Of Birds And Men: How a friend tried to use Nikola Tesla to make me a birder

I’m often amazed by how much effort people put into trying to make you like the things they like, whether it’s movies, food, politicians, books, religion, or photos of their family vacation.

Consider the tireless pleadings of my good friend Cheryl Duford on behalf of birds, for instance.

Cheryl’s fascinated by, even obsessed with, birds. So much so that she regularly slogs through muddy swamps and hacks through thorny thickets to take photographs of cormorants, snowy owls, and many other fowl that look far too small to make a decent meal out of. Or even an indecent meal.

This is precious time she ought to be spending with her dear and increasingly lonely family. Or using to kneel and prayerfully beg God to forgive her for having impure thoughts about Mémère’s molasses-drop cookies.

Instead of doing something meaningful with her life, however, Cheryl has repeatedly tried to convince me to adopt her love of all things ornithological, even though she knows my basic position on the issue is that birds can’t be trusted because they will invariably peck your eyes out. Because everybody knows that’s what birds do. They peck your eyes out.

I’ve successfully resisted her earnest petitions to make me a birder for years, but now she’s set a clever trap for me by dragging Nikola Tesla into the debate.


I think we can all see why a pidgeon might fall for Tesla.

Yes, THAT Tesla. The brilliant Serbian-American physicist and engineer best known for creating those crackling, scary-looking electrical coils and ladders that have reanimated Frankenstein’s monster in countless movies. Oh, and also for inventing the wireless radio and contributing to the development of the X-Ray machine, radar, robotics, and an early form of cell phone communications. Not to mention conceiving and designing the alternating current induction motor that generates enough electricity to power them and all the other electrical devices that have become ubiquitous in our lives.

But that’s all common knowledge.

What many people don’t know is that Tesla, like Cheryl, was also fixated on birds. So much so—and I swear on the towering, ostentatious grave of naturalist John James Audubon I’m not making this up—that he eventually fell in love with one.

Near the end of his days, when Tesla compulsively sorted his life into threes and lived alone in room 3327 on the 33rd floor of The New Yorker hotel in Manhattan, he walked daily to a nearby park to feed pigeons and enjoy the company of his feathered paramour. Then he would return to his humble suite in the evenings to continue working on his inventions.

“I have been feeding pigeons, thousands of them, for years,” Tesla wrote of his avian affair. “But there was one, a beautiful bird, pure white with light grey tips on its wings; that one was different. It was a female. I had only to wish and call her and she would come flying to me. I loved that pigeon as a man loves a woman, and she loved me. As long as I had her, there was a purpose to my life.”

One night, however, Tesla said the white pigeon flew to his hotel and, speaking to him through an open window, announced she was dying.

He saw “two powerful beams of light” in the bird’s eyes, he said. “Yes, it was a real light, a powerful, dazzling, blinding light, a light more intense than I had ever produced by the most powerful lamps in my laboratory.” The pigeon died in his hands, and the inventor claimed that at that exact moment he knew that his life’s work was over.

He died soon after—just before midnight on Jan. 7, 1943, some 86 years after having been born around midnight during a fierce lightning storm, an event that led his mother to predict little Nikola would grow up to be “a child of light.”

Now, you might think Cheryl would be satisfied to rest her case for all things winged and feathered on an intellect as piercing and as influential as Tesla’s. Or, setting education, creativity and knowledge aside, to swaddle her argument in a lover’s heart as full, as warm, and as courageous as the one that bridged the longstanding gap between two distinct species, man and bird, to fiercely love a talking white pigeon with fiery eyes.

But you’d be wrong.

Cheryl took this photo of a hawk. Maybe it’s a hawk. It might a chicken for all I know. Anyway, you know what it’s thinking? “I want to peck her eyes out,” that’s what.

You see, Cheryl is an infamously cantankerous woman, as hard and as unforgiving as the igneous rock that lends its name to the Granite State from which she hails, New Hampshire. She wasn’t content to simply make an argument and then let its transformative powers seep into the bird-resistant crannies of my mind.

No, she felt compelled to hammer her case home by sending me a near-priceless gift: A Tesla watch, a Steampunk-style timepiece I’ve long coveted and now proudly wear on my wrist even though it’s a constant nagging reminder that my position on birds stands in opposition not only to Cheryl’s, but to one of history’s greatest inventors.

I appreciate the watch more than I can say, Cheryl.

I truly do.

I’m also humbled by your generosity and resolute passion for the beaked beasts that fly overhead teaching us to aim high in life, if not with our personal goals, then at least with our camera lenses, or depending on your point of view, buckshot.

But I can’t lie. As beautiful and as practical as the Tesla watch is, as forceful a case as it indirectly makes for songbirds, raptors and their kin, it hasn’t changed my mind about birds.

Not one wit.

Birds will peck your eyes out. Because that’s what birds do. They peck your eyes out.

My new Tesla watch rocks, but not enough to make me a bird-lover.

My new Tesla watch rocks, but not enough to make me a bird-lover.


Chasing Amy


Amy and me, surrounded by the dead and the undead who visit them.


I knew I was in deep trouble when Amy Roberts, aka the blogger Laughing Mom, bounded into the hotel lobby with a large smile on her face and hugged me.

I don’t bound. Or smile. And hugging is usually right out—unless you count gripping cold porcelain after a long and increasingly blurry night of drinking like a Scotsman on holiday as hugging. So I stood there like a dead tree and accepted her cordiality with as much grace as I could muster; She had, after all, driven hours from her home in Richmond, Virginia to see me at the tail end of my business trip to Washington, D.C.

There are a few things you should know about Amy:

• She’s energetic. I spent most of our 3-hour visit desperately trying to keep up with her and praying that God would take me home before I drowned in my own sweat, a product of my less-than-fit physique and D.C.’s oppressive summer heat and humidity.

• She laughs a lot and speaks with a charming soft Southern accent. Not the kind that adds extra syllables to words and brings hillbilly banjo music to mind, but the hypnotic, lilting sort that relaxes you and then makes you idly wonder if she spiked your sweet tea with arsenic while you were discussing magnolia blossoms.

• She knows how to use a GPS. Not necessarily well, but she’ll get you where you’re going eventually and make the trip enjoyable by entertaining you with sad and frightening stories about the time a lightning strike burned her family’s house to the ground.

We didn’t have much time before my flight, but decided to visit Arlington National Cemetery. In Amy’s case, because she’s related to sculptor Moses Jacob Ezekiel, designer of the cemetery’s impressive Confederate Memorial, although it would’ve been more impressive if it hadn’t been shrouded in an unfortunate tangle of scaffolding that rendered it unviewable. In my case, because the black crow of loss is perpetually perched on my shoulder and the cemetery is home to the remains of more than 400,000 people from the U.S. and 11 other countries, including many war veterans, astronauts, presidents, and stars like boxer Joe Louis, writer Dashiell Hammett, and musician Glenn Miller.

There were mishaps in our outing.

For example, it took us nearly an hour to find the place, which is the size of a small town and was less than 3 miles away. Then there was the moment when Amy panicked and tried to blow out the eternal flame at John F. Kennedy’s gravesite; she truly hates fire. And I didn’t help matters any by blowing flirty kisses at the stone-faced infantry regiment guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Turns out those M-14 rifles they prance around with aren’t just for show.

But you know what? None of that mattered, because we had a great time hanging out together.

So much fun, in fact, that it was me who smiled and hugged her when we reluctantly parted company. I was honored. Never have so few traveled so far to visit with someone so insignificant. I was also moved, and hope to return the honor by visiting Richmond next time I’m in the area.

All I ask is that you don’t tell anybody about that emotional stuff, please. I have an image to maintain.


Why I’m Happy, But Not Proud, To Be American On Independence Day

On this Fourth of July, I can say I’m happy to be an American, but not entirely proud to be an American.

Happy, because it’s undeniably pleasant to be a citizen of the most-powerful and wealthiest nation in world history. I like my mid-sized SUV and big flatscreen TV, and greatly enjoy the high level of comfort, safety, and freedom that being American affords me and my family.

Not proud, because I am acutely aware that the garden of “American exceptionalism” was heavily watered with the blood and tears of Native Americans and blacks. Our Founding Fathers may have stood for liberty, but they didn’t include Native Americans or African Americans in their bold Declaration of Independence. Instead, they rebelled against a repressive regime and then immediately created one of their own, embarking on what they saw as a divine mission to tame the land and use its resources for profit by subduing the people who had lived on it for thousands of years before the white man’s arrival. Yes, they championed some lofty and noble aspirations, but they were also warmongers and slavers of the worst sort, and we’re still stumbling through the gloomy shadow of their legacy. 

It’s important to remember that Native Americans suffered miserably when our European ancestors showed up. Foreign plagues like smallpox initially killed an estimated 45-90 million Indians, about 90 percent of their population. We couldn’t have predicted or controlled that devastation, but we could’ve prevented expansionist-minded white men from going after the rest of the Indians and their property with brutal, self-righteous vengeance. 

In my home state of Colorado, for instance, 700 U.S. militia surrounded a sleeping encampment of Cheyenne and Arapahoe Indians in November 1864, and then opened fire without warning or cause. Some of the soldiers under Col. John Chivington’s command protested the surprise attack, but he urged them into battle with the cry, “Damn any man who sympathizes with Indians…Kill and scalp all, big and little; nits make lice.” And so they did, cutting fetuses out of the women while they were still alive, slaughtering infants by stepping on their heads with their boots, slicing the genitals off men and women, and decorating their horses and wagons with scalps and other body parts before parading them through Denver to celebrate the wanton murder. 

Our fury against Indians knew few bounds. 

For example, we went after their main food source, the buffalo, with unprecedented ferocity. A herd of some 30-60 million bison was cut to just a few hundred creatures in a couple of decades. We did it partly to sate our bloodlust, shooting them from trains and leaving their bodies on the ground to rot. We also did it to clear paths through the prairies for railroads and the commerce they fostered. But mostly we did it to starve the Indians out of existence. 

It worked, too, and when the remnants of their battered tribes finally surrendered, we rounded up their people and herded them like cattle to reservations on some of our new nation’s most-barren and inhospitable lands. Many of them still live there today, often in crushing poverty, our miserable treatment of them largely forgotten or ignored by the dominant culture we established. 

Blacks didn’t fare any better under American rule, and our history is tightly enmeshed with slavery. About 450,000 to 500,000 Africans were brought to North America between 1619 and 1866 to work in our homes and on our farms as slaves. 

Twelve of our first 18 presidents owned slaves, nine of them while they were in office. Presidential attitudes toward blacks seem horrifying by modern standards, and hypocritical and illogical even by the period’s standards. 

George Washington complained before the American Revolution that oppressive new British laws would make Americans “as tame and abject slaves as the blacks we rule over with such arbitrary sway.” Ten years after the Declaration of Independence was signed, he criticized Quaker abolitionists for fomenting unrest by encouraging slaves who were “happy and content to remain with their present masters…to leave them…” 

Andrew Jackson bought his first slave in 1788, and by 1794 he owned 16 slaves and his business included slave trading. 
Martin Van Buren said, “I must go into the Presidential chair the inflexible and uncompromising opponent of every attempt on the part of Congress to abolish slavery in the District of Columbia against the wishes of the slaveholding States, and also with a determination equally decided to resist the slightest interference with it in the States where it exists.” 

John Tyler said, “(God) works most inscrutably to the understandings of men; the negro is torn from Africa, a barbarian, ignorant and idolatrous; he is restored civilized, enlightened, and a Christian.”

Even Thomas Jefferson, who described slavery as a “moral depravity” and was the key author of the Declaration of Independence, which argues “that all men are created equal” and are endowed with unalienable rights, to “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,” held blacks in poor esteem. He was one of the largest slaveowners in West Virginia, with more than 600 at his Monticello plantation. He believed blacks were racially inferior and “as incapable as children.” He also wrote that slavery was like grabbing “a wolf by the ear, and we can neither hold him, nor safely let him go.” 

By the time morals shifted and the U.S. Congress decided to end slavery in 1860, there were 3 million to 3.5 million slaves in the South. Slavery was entrenched philosophically and economically, and the South reacted by seceding from the Union and launching a Civil War that led to the deaths of about 750,000 people, the bloodiest war in American history. 

Don’t let closet bigots or modern-day historical revisionists fool you into thinking the battle was over state’s rights or money. 

It’s true that 60 percent of the nation’s wealth was concentrated in the South, which contained just 30 percent of its population, and it’s true the Southern states felt the federal government didn’t have a right to tell them what to do. But in the infamous Cornerstone Address announcing the South’s secession, Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens made the foul heart of the matter perfectly clear. The Declaration of Independence’s assertion that “all men are created equal” is wrong, he said, adding that “Our new Government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition.” 

Or as William Thompson, the designer of the newly controversial Confederate flag, put it, “As a people we are fighting to maintain the heavenly ordained supremacy of the white man over the inferior or colored race…”

I am not raising our ugly past on July Fourth to say America is a broken country or that today should be a day of mourning rather than celebration. We have done both bad and good since our first Independence Day in 1776, and the history of nations everywhere is littered with the corpses of failed political ideologies. Our weaknesses are unique, but not unprecedented. 

We have also progressed. Tribes gained significant civil rights and independence as sovereign nations in the early 1800s, and have received some modest reparations since then. Slaves were emancipated in 1863, got the right to vote in 1869, and discrimination against blacks was legally ended during the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 1960s. Coupled with recent, hard-fought civil rights gains made by women, people with disabilities, and just last month, gay couples who won the right to get married, America is looking freer than ever.  

Still, while we’re grilling hamburgers and waving sparklers today, I believe we ought to be mindful of our troubled legacy of oppression, if only because it’s recent and persistent. 

What do I mean when I say racism persists? 

Less than 100 years ago, entire Southern towns turned out for “spectacular lynchings,” the ceremonial torture, murder and burning alive of black Americans by whites. Angry mobs would truss up black men suspected of crimes, cut off their fingers, toes, ears, and genitals, sometimes flay them alive, and then tar their mutilated bodies and light them on fire while they were still conscious. Men, women, and children—even judges and police—attended these events like they were county fairs. Body parts were handed out as souvenirs. Food was shared, drinks quaffed. Celebratory postcards were printed and mailed to friends and family. 

Racism persists. 

Just last month, Donald Trump, one of the world’s richest and most-famous men, announced his Republican presidential candidacy by calling Latino immigrants drug dealers, rapists, and killers. He wants to build a 1,989-mile-long wall on America’s border with Mexico to keep them out, like the Great Wall China built more than 2,200 years ago. He was ridiculed by some people and lost business contracts with many former partners, but also jumped into the number-two spot in polls behind fellow conservative candidate Jeb Bush. 

Racism persists. 

Today, some of my neighbors are flying Confederate flags. I’m sure I’d see even more if I lived in Arizona or the Deep South. It’s part of the Mississippi state flag, and waves every day over public buildings in South Carolina, site of the racially motivated shootings of nine black men and women in June at the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston. Some state leaders have called for the flag to be taken down and banned from public buildings. But more than 115,000 people a,so signed a petition within hours of its circulation calling for South Carolina to secede from the Union for the second time in American history if that happens. 

Racism persists. 

I can’t believe we’re even debating that flag’s sick symbolism. It’s steeped in racism and the blood of slavery, and I believe our society should strive to portray it only in that light. Not as a proud remembrance of Southern heritage. Not as a commemoration of the brave soldiers who died fighting for the South’s cause. Not even as a jaunty salute to a sort of admirable, playful juvenile, Dukes of Hazard-style rebellion. It is none of those things. It is an emblem of shame, ruination, and hatred. The flag’s heritage is wickedly corrupt, and while the Southern leaders and soldiers who died should be remembered, they shouldn’t be commemorated or revered any more than Himmler or Göring are. Nor should the old South. It was a bad place. One of the worst in history.

Racism persists. 

This is one reason—there are others—why I’m not entirely proud to be an American. But I am happy to be an American. God bless America, and I hope we all have a happy holiday. I intend to. 


Let’s Get Real

I’ll never understand the human urge to think positively. Not because I’m a negative thinker, but because I’m a hardcore realist. 

You can think all the positive thoughts you want in an attempt to improve your life. Go ahead and try it. 

Dim the lights, sit down, close your eyes, bow your head, and pray or meditate on goodness. Follow your bliss. Create your own reality. Avoid problems by accepting challenges and opportunities instead. Transform yourself into the delightful love child of Oprah and Joel Osteen.  

You might notice a difference. You might get a pay raise, or launch a new career that’s so exciting you end up skipping to work every morning instead of shuffling like a condemned man on his way to the electric chair. You might lose weight, overcome cancer, or just stroll around whistling instead of grumbling. That will be all the evidence you’ll need to be convinced it’s working—that the universe is answering the bell you rang for happiness.  

As the preacher and grandfather of the positive-thinking movement Norman Vincent Peale famously wrote, “Change your thoughts and you change your world…Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” 

But here’s the thing: Never forget that random dumb luck plays a bigger role in determining the course of your life than you want to believe. 

The universe isn’t here to help you out. It isn’t vibrating with a force of goodness that you can tap into or channel or command. At best, it’s cold and uncaring, and it’s playing a zero-sum game. For every positive action, science insists there is a counterbalancing negative reaction winding the universe down into a state of equilibrium. 

Practically speaking, that means you can muster all the positive thoughts you want, shoot for the moon, land in the stars, and still end up like Ann Hodges, the only person in history known to have been struck by a meteorite. 

Ann was peacefully napping on her couch under a pile of blankets one afternoon in late November 1954—two years after Peale became famous—when a fiery-red, grapefruit-sized meteorite trailing hot smoke ripped through the atmosphere above Sylacauga, Alabama. Seconds later, it swooped over the Comet Drive-in Movie Theater across the street from her rented house, pierced the roof, bounced off a console radio, and hit her in the thigh so hard it left an angry black bruise on her thigh the shape and size of a watermelon.

Ann and her husband, Hewlett, tried hard to view the event positively, in part because she wasn’t killed and also because meteorites are valuable to collectors. They were convinced the heavens had sent them a rare 8-and-a-half-pound treasure worth thousands of dollars. 

Unfortunately, the local police chief, a paranoid product of the anti-communist McCarthy era, confiscated the rock and turned it over to Air Force intelligence specialists. They confirmed it was a meteorite and sent it to the Smithsonian Institution, which inexplicably refused to return it.

“I feel like the meteorite is mine,” Ann protested. “I think God intended it for me. After all, it hit me!”

Smithsonian curators finally relented, but only under pressure from an Alabama Congressman. Then in a new unhappy twist of fate, Ann was sued for the meteorite by her landlady, a recently widowed woman named Birdie Guy. Guy claimed the meteorite was hers because it had fallen on her property.

Legally, Guy’s case was strong. 

But an angry public pressured Guy to relinquish the meteorite to the Hodges in exchange for $500. 

Ann and Eugene then turned down a modest offer for the meteorite from the Smithsonian, and shooting for the moon with renewed enthusiasm, put their fallen star up for sale on the open market, where it promptly sat unsold. In 1956, sick of the whole affair, the Hodges gave up on their dream of riches and donated the meteorite to the University of Alabama Museum of Natural History, where it’s on permanent display.

Ann had briefly become a celebrity, appearing in magazines like Life, and on television. But she earned only a few hundred dollars from the experience, and attributed a subsequent nervous breakdown to the stress of her legal battles and fame. She and Hewlett separated in 1964. Her health worsened, and in 1972, at the age 52, she died of kidney failure at a Sylacaugan nursing home. Hewlett blamed her premature demise on the comet. 

But that’s only half the story of the fateful falling star. 

Literally half. 

It turned out Ann’s meteorite was 50 percent of the whole. The day after Ann was struck, the other fragment was found lying on a dirt road by Julius K. McKinney, who lived near the Hodges. 

How did fate treat McKinney? 

He sold his rock to the Smithsonian for enough money to purchase a small farm and a used car, and his meteorite remains on display at the Smithsonian.

There’s also more to the story of the Norman Vincent Peale.

Turns out he wasn’t always as effervescent as he appeared to be by the time Hodges got hit by the meteorite. When publisher after publisher rejected Peale’s 
freshman manuscript for The Power of Positive Thinking in the early 1950s, he became despondent and threw it into the garbage, making his wife, Ruth, promise not to fish it out of the trash can. 

Being clever and determined, Ruth carried the trashcan with the manuscript in it to one final publisher, who liked the book and published it in 1952. It went on to sell more than 20 million copies in 42 languages, made Norman and his ministry a household name, and launched an entire industry of hope.

“I don’t have as much self-doubt as he did,” Ruth told The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in 1997. “I always felt I could do something if I put my mind to it and I wanted to.”

Now, I suppose you could argue it was positive thinking that saved the day for both farmer McKinney and Peale. But that’s only because we favor happy endings, forgetting that on the other half of the cosmic equation, things didn’t work out well at all for Hodges and that Peale came within a razor’s edge of remaining an unremarkable and bitter version of his eventual self.

Mind you, I’m not saying positive thinking is wrong, or a waste of time. Go ahead, muster as much can-do spirit as possible. Dream big. Be a champion. Or at the very least, as the U.S. Secretary of the Interior blithely encouraged the displaced and dying American Indian victims of U.S. expansionism in the 1976 movie The Outlaw Josie Wales“endeavor to persevere.” 

But never overlook the critical importance of random dumb luck. Pray it’s on your side, and that you don’t get hit by a meteorite. 

Official, Public Reaction Mixed To Shocking Report “Winter Wonderland: Exposed”

Hermey is a cruel dentist who delights in removing patients' teeth without anesthetic, according to the Wonderland report.

Hermey is a cruel dentist who delights in removing patients’ teeth without anesthetic, according to the Wonderland report.

U.S. officials and the public are reacting strongly to one of the most-shocking accounts of prisoner abuse released in years.

Not the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report into the CIA’s brutal, illegal interrogation of prisoners captured after 9/11. That document is 6,700 pages long and depressing. Ain’t nobody got time for that. It’s Christmas, and Americans have fudge to bake and gifts to wrap.

No, politicians, business leaders, and social activists are focusing instead on a new landmark study detailing the alleged deplorable conditions at a top-secret detention center and toy factory called “Gitmo North,” sometimes referred to as The North Pole or Santa’s Workshop.

Titled Winter Wonderland: Exposed, the sweeping three-page report was compiled by a crack team of investigators that included Rachel Maddow, Paul Krugman, Bono, Oprah Winfrey, and Christmas crooner Harry Connick, Jr. The team examined Gitmo North’s 2,014-year history and discovered that:

• The facility is run by a jolly-looking but stern old man who uses the code name “Santa Claus” and looks suspiciously like former Vice President Dick Cheney in a long white beard and red-velvet suit.

• The elves confined at Gitmo North work around-the-clock assembling cheap plastic toys for privileged kids. Their factory is kept arctic cold to save costs, and reeks of peppermint sticks and pumpkin pie spice.

• The elves are routinely subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques used in Chinese forced labor camps and prisons. The techniques include snowboarding, having their chestnuts roasted over an open fire, being forced to handle electrified strands of potentially fatal Christmas lights, and being subjected to loud, insipid holiday music 24 hours a day. One especially brutal guard known as Jack Frost even nips at the elves’ exposed noses.

• The elves are stripped of their personal identity by being forced to wear identical uniforms—humiliating pointy felt hats, green tights, and curly-toed, bell-tipped shoes that make it impossible for them to run away from their captors without being heard.

• The elves’ growth is stunted because they’re fed nothing but a nutrition-deficient diet of hot cocoa and gingerbread cookies.

• The only healthcare the elves get is provided by a self-taught, ambiguously gendered dentist named Hermey. He is infamously cruel, and in one heavily redacted videotape appears to be gleefully pulling teeth without anesthetic.

• Freedom of religion isn’t allowed in Christmastown because the elves are required to participate in the center’s only endorsed religion, Christianity. As Claus told investigators, “Jesus is the reason for the season here at Gitmo North. Anybody who doesn’t like it is…well, let’s say they’re strongly encouraged to undergo spiritual reprogramming at our psychiatric hospital.” That hospital is run by a secretive local resident known only as “The Abominable Snowman,” who is described by some of his former patients as a torture expert known to eat some of his victims.

Christmastown Warden Claus ridicules Rudolph's nasal disability.

Christmastown Warden Claus ridicules Rudolph’s nasal disability.

• Reindeer at Gitmo North are treated worse than caged pigs in Iowa and New Jersey. Cruelly harnessed and mercilessly whipped, the reindeer pull Santa’s dangerously overloaded sleigh around the world at recklessly high speeds even in the worst weather conditions. One underage reindeer, identified in the report only as “Rudolph,” has a pronounced nasal disability that causes his nose to glow bright red and was so mistreated by Claus he fled into the wilderness to die. When he miraculously survived and returned to Gitmo North to see his family, Claus used sophisticated social-acceptance mind games to manipulate the young ungulate into leading his sleigh through the most-treacherous winter blizzard in decades.

• The source of Gitmo North’s funding is mysterious, but appears to have strong ties to super-rich titans of industry like the Koch Brothers and the clannish Walton family, owners of Walmart.

Reaction to the report is deeply mixed.

Social progressives say conditions at Christmastown violate U.S. and international laws against torture and illegal imprisonment. They also argue the elves and talking reindeer are entitled to the same basic freedoms as humans, including the right to vote in elections, decent working conditions, guaranteed livable minimum wages, and freedom of religion.

Conservatives counter that the Wonderland report is just another example of the secular humanist War on Christmas. They argue Gitmo North’s residents are happy for their opportunities at Christmastown and would be miserable without their benefactors, forced to huddle in dank caves and eat berries and pine needles. They also contend Christmastown’s low wages and efficient toy-making factory are essential to national economic growth and job creation.

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