Guns Are 2009’s Hot Christmas Gift, But Ammo’s As Scarce As Zhu Zhu Pets

Sales of guns for rabbit hunting and target practice are way up thanks to President Obama's socialist leanings.

Sales of guns for rabbit hunting are way up because Americans know Comrade Obama is considering banning them worldwide.

My Fellow Americans,

Americans aren’t stupid. When that smooth-talking socialist Barack Obama convinced liberals to make him president last year, most U.S. citizens knew it wouldn’t be long before he and his Commie comrades started taking away their guns. So good Americans started buying weapons at a record pace—about 1 million of them last August alone, according to FBI records.

In fact, it’s estimated that Americans purchased enough guns last year to outfit the entire armies of India and China combined. Ammo’s popular, too. Last December, for example, Americans purchased more than 1.5 billion rounds of ammunition to help celebrate Christmas. And, this year, just try finding a box or two of .22-caliber shells for your kids’ Christmas stockings. Bullets are harder to get right now than Zhu Zhu Pets at Wal-Mart.

Today, Americans can proudly say they live in the most well-armed nation on the planet. Why? Because their right to bear arms is guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution. Studies show 22 percent to 50 percent of Americans own guns. The actual number may be higher—most Americans are too smart to tell those Census spies they own guns. Nobody wants the Big Brother Federalists showing up in the middle of the night to confiscate their weapons.

Regardless of what the actual number is, it’s safe to say Americans now own at least 270 million guns, or almost one gun for every man, woman and child in the nation. That doesn’t count illegal immigrants, felons and Canadians here on work visas, of course, who aren’t allowed to carry weapons for obvious reasons and shouldn’t be here in the first place.

Liberals say it’s a bad sign we own so many guns. They say we’re paranoid, immature and as uncivilized as those crazy towelheads we’re fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran. But tell that to the Commies. We have enough guns to make life a living hell if the Red Menace tries to march across our borders to destroy our free way of living. We won’t put up with their lazy work ethics, feel-good cooperative programs and namby-pamby national health care plans. We won’t put up with anything that steals our incentives to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and take care of ourselves. We’ll just fill ‘em full of holes. As the Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto said when he was captured in World War II, “You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”

Guns make perfect Christmas gifts for the whole family. But good luck finding ammo. It's been in short supply ever since liberals put President Obama in office.

Guns make perfect Christmas gifts for the family. But good luck finding ammo. It's been in short supply since liberals tricked the American public into voting President Obama in office.

But liberals are prone to going off half-cocked, reflexively arguing that guns are bad for us, like high-fructose corn syrup or red meat.

One of their big arguments is that people who own guns use them against themselves or family members instead of criminals 70-75 percent of the time. They say that’s why firearms are the second-leading cause of traumatic death related to a consumer product in the United States and are the second most frequent cause of death overall for Americans ages 15 to 24. It’s also why more than a million Americans have died in firearm suicides, homicides, and unintentional injuries since 1960. Or why in 2003 alone, 30,136 Americans died by gunfire. That’s more than six times as many American casualties in the entire Iraq war, 10 times as many deaths as we suffered in the attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001, and 30 times as many gun-related deaths as there were in in 2006 in England, Australia, Canada, Austria, Germany and Spain combined.

Well, phooey on liberals! The stats certainly sound scary and may be true in one way, but we all know statistics lie. As the great conservative American author and gun advocate Tom Sawyer said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”

What liberal sissies and their weepy women folk fail to point out is that handguns prevent crime. Yes, gun owners occasionally mistake loved ones for intruders, wounding or killing them. And sometimes they panic and shoot themselves in the foot, ass or head. But you can damn sure bet cash-money on the barrelhead that for every case like that, there are 10 cases where a gun makes some 17-year-old punk think twice before breaking into your house to steal your collection of mint-condition state quarters to help finance his meth addiction. So what if we suffer a little collateral damage in the process of keeping American free and safe?

A beautiful symbol of world peace.

A beautiful symbol of world peace.

Truth is, criminals steer a wide berth when they know a property is protected by Smith & Wesson security instead of Peace, Love & Understanding Inc. Thousands and thousands of bad-ass criminals who fail to respect hot lead are shot and killed every year in cities like Chicago, LA and Miami. Thousands of others are probably so scared of being shot, they flee to liberal outposts in Europe or Canada, where they’re free to sit in parks smoking dope and stealing from the poor because Europeans are too chicken to carry guns. That’s why countries like France, Germany and Canada are godless, lawless outposts of crime and liberal thinking, and are among the most depressing places in the world to live. I’d rather bleed out with smoking-hot, empty six guns in each hand than be forced to live in backwards oppression like a damned European or Canadian.

Good Americans, never forget that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. That’s why it’s people, not guns, who should be banned from our classrooms, courtrooms and airplanes.

Please support the National Rifle Association and the brave soldiers of the independent militias in the Deep South and Northwest who are fighting to protect our country’s right to bear arms. Resist President Obama and his socialist friends who want to take away our weapons so they can turn America into yet another satellite of the U.S.S.R. Our very freedom is at stake.

God bless you all, and good luck with those Zhu Zhu Pets and ammo!

Max Payne, proud member of the NRA since 2001

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33 thoughts on “Guns Are 2009’s Hot Christmas Gift, But Ammo’s As Scarce As Zhu Zhu Pets

  1. Not to mention the fact that without adequate protection by guns you may be forced to spell words like “color” and “honor” with a “u.”

    But hey — enough of this comparing Canadians and Europeans. We may be degenerate, but we sure as hell aren’t that degenerate! Next you’ll be calling us French!

  2. Whoa, whoa, whoa Mike and Frank. I’m married to a French person. But that and the fact I’m Canadian doesn’t get held against me. And I don’t live in backwards oppression. As an Anglo living in Quebec, good old forward oppression will do just fine. But quite apart from that, you might like it up here, Mike. We’ve got a government that doesn’t want to keep track of guns so it’s getting rid of its gun registry. I think the government’s realized that guns don’t kill people. Zhu Zhu pets kill people.

    • First, I’d like to point out that there’s a significant difference between a French man and a French woman. French men are, well, smelly. French women are, well, exotic. So I applaud you on your choice.

      Second, let me hasten to add that I love Canada. I even like Canadian food, which, as near as I can tell, consists largely of anything smeared with mayonnaise. I’d also like to live in Canada, so I can say “oot” and “aboot” without people staring at me.

      Third, let me also add that I have failed — miserably — to communicate my true feelings about guns and the Second Amendment.

  3. I don’t know why, but I feel like singing…..

    America! America!
    God shed His grace on thee,
    And crown thy good with brotherhood
    From sea to shining sea!

    I love my country, but I fear my government.

    • It’s a beautiful song, and probably ought to be our national anthem instead of the Star Spangled Banner, which is less reverential and more militaristic than most anthems. I’m often struck by the fact that the line “God shed His grace on thee” is not a statement of fact, as most people seem to take it, but a plea or petition—as in, God, we’re asking you to shed your grace on us and crown the nation’s good with brotherhood. I think God might take that prayer more seriously if we weren’t shooting more than 30,000 of our own people every year in acts of gun violence.

      I know we’re probably on the opposite ends of the gun debate, which is hard to write about with humor because it’s such a hot button topic, but you already know I respect you and your opinions and your sense of humor. Oddly enough, I also agree with you about fearing the government. I’m afraid of it, too, just not enough to keep guns around the house in case I need to shoot at it. 😉

  4. As we like to say in Mississippi, “Aim high…shoot low.” I own a few guns. Two are at the ready for intruders and big rats. A 12 gauge pump and a .357 revolver sit where my Bible used to sit.

    • I’ve never heard that expression and don’t understand it. Thank God for Google.

      I’m curious, though. Why have your guns taken the place of your Bible? Don’t you have room for both?

  5. I have always gone by the maxim, “shoot first-ask questions later” but then what do I know. I remember when the president of some gun club accidentally shot himself in the head when he was cleaning his gun. I have a very good friend who accidentally killed his wife cleaning his gun. True story. I think we should be more afraid of us than them. Canadians should stay far north, away from us crazy Americans.

  6. Color me confused after reading the comments. Are you for or against Americans having guns?

    I’m not sure if I need to buy a gun or sharpen my slingshot skills to defend myself against the aliens. 😉

    • I’m sorry it’s confusing. I was trying to be clever by trying to write from a gun-lover’s perspective but with so many mistakes and stupid exaggerations and plain old dumb stuff thrown in that I thought it would be obvious, especially in context of what I normally write, that I was actually being anti-gun. Apparently, all I succeeded in doing was proving that I am an idiot.

      All will be made clear tomorrow.

    • I’m disappointed in you, because you are the online master of funny snippets. But I couldn’t think of anything funny, either, so I guess I can’t be too critical.

  7. I’m even more confused after reading the comments because I still can’t tell if you’re serious or not.

    I’ll still try to stay on your good side, just in case.

    If there’s just one rack of BBQ ribs left, though, you’re going to have to pry it out of my cold dead hands.

    • So you’re a member of the NBBQA, National Barbeque Association of America, huh? Me, too. I’m trying to get President Obama to pass a 28th Amendment guaranteeing our right to baby-back ribs. So far, he’s been unresponsive. But I know he’s also been busy accepting that Nobel Peace Prize for starting a war in Afghanistan, so I remain hopeful. And hungry.

      • Yes.

        Our motto is “BBQ ribs don’t kill people; giant barbecue utensils hurled through the air at people who mispronounce the word ‘nuclear’ kill people.”

        It’s hard to fit on a t-shirt.

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    • Translation: “As least one well-known writer: This is something to eat.”

      This comment sounds positive, but I’m not sure. I wish I spoke Russian.


  10. I totally agree I have always thought the founding fathers were a bunch of hippie teenagers who just left home to study American history ;). thank you for the beautiful photo of the young Brad Pitt and making my day!

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