Dear Dr. Teen Advisor,

We’re thinking about buying our fraternal twins, Olga and Hans, new cars for their 16th birthdays. Do you have any advice on what makes the best first new car for teens?

Looking for a Deal in Denver

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Dear Deal,

Olga and Hans? Really? Well, to each his own, I suppose.

Anyway, it can be daunting to shop for a teen’s first car because you have to balance their desire for something expensive and sporty against your desire to tell them to fuck off. Your parents didn’t buy you a car, and what on God’s green earth makes them think you can afford to buy them one, let alone that they deserve one? These lazy, disrespectful shitheads are lucky to still be alive, let alone driving around town all night with their friends in a car you paid for.That said, I believe your choice of teen wheels depends on what you hope to accomplish.

India's new Tata Nano may be the world's most effective teen-sex deterrent. Plus, it's cheap.

If your teens are super good looking and you need to discourage them from engaging in risky sexual behavior that could make you early grandparents, then I strongly recommend buying a Kia Spectra, Toyota Yaris, Smart Car or Tata Nano, the 9-foot-long Indian car that looks like a roly-poly bug on wheels. These cars are too small to copulate in unless you’re a midget (or so Dr. Teen Advisor hears), but more importantly, they’re embarrassing. There is no greater teen sex deterrent than being embarrassed: Oh — My — God, I am soooo embarrassed!

The Porsche 911 is God's gift to ugly people everywhere.

On the other hand, if your teens are homely and having so much trouble attracting mates that you’re afraid they’ll never leave home, then I’d swing to something sexier. The Ford Mustang and Volkswagen Jetta are two top choices, but for the more rugged, outdoorsy crowd, a soft-top Jeep Wrangler with the doors removed can also do the trick. If your kids are total geeks or downright butt ugly — fat, pimply and wearing Coke-bottle glasses — then I strongly suggest putting together the scratch to get them a BMW or Porsche. They’ll definitely need something eye-popping to take the attention away from their teen hideousness. Rest assured that it’ll be money well spent — unattractive middle-aged men have lured women half their age for decades using expensive sports cars.

Pedal to the Metal,

Dr. Teen Advisor

Travel guide Rick Steves is not gay. Neither am I. We have that in common and not much else.

OK, I admit it, that last post I wrote about vacationing in Boulder reads like a Rick Steves’ travel guide, which I think is unfortunate, not because I don’t like Rick Steves, but because I’m not him and never will be.

In case you don’t recognize Rick Steves by name, let’s see if this description triggers a memory: He’s the gay-acting straight guy who hosts a PBS TV show that features himself gaily rushing around Europe’s finest cities while we sit at home seething with jealously and bitterness because we don’t make enough money to tour Italy or Portugal, or even Hoboken, N.J.

Most Rick Steves’ shows feature Rick Steves himself smiling knowledgeably while he eats free food or looking appropriately inquisitive while he tours dusty cathedrals. He likes to say happy things such as, “Until next time, keep on traveling! Cheerio!” A lot of the time, he’s shown trying to look like he’s relaxing at a seaside café in Portofino while the golden sun sets over the pristine, rippling water in the bay. In reality, of course, he’s as tense as a cat staring down a pack of angry dogs because he just wants to get on to the next museum or quaint little outdoor market and then fly home to be with his wife and kids. Yes, I know what you’re thinking now — I was also mighty surprised to find out that he has a family, but he does.

Anyway, Rick Steves is very popular and I enjoy his travel guides very much. But I need to be honest with myself here: Rick Steves does one sort of thing, I do another, and we have very little in common except that we both have a tendency to be a little touchy-feely and we both have wives. Not the same wife, mind you, because that would be wrong and illegal and get us in trouble with law enforcement officials — except in certain parts of Utah, where it’s frowned on but otherwise ignored.

It was my wife, not Rick Steves’ wife, who encouraged me to pull my original post about vacationing in Boulder. She thought it might have been a little too sarcastic and jaded. And it might have been, even though it was meant in good fun, like all my sarcastic, jaded posts. So I decided to err on the side of caution and yank it before any of my friends in Boulder saw it and drove their Toyota Prius’ down to my house in Denver to beat me up with their yoga mats. Actually, I’m kidding. I’m a kidder. People in Boulder deplore physical violence; they just talk you into submission. Oops, there’s that nasty cynical trait poking its ugly head out of the hole again. Sorry. Not really. But sorry.

I replaced my original witty post with tinder-dry brochure copy because I felt the tiniest-winiest bit bad about being so cynical.  Some days, I wake up thinking I’d really prefer to be super positive and peppy, like Oprah or Orville Redenbacher.  When I realize I’m not, I feel bad, and try way too hard not to be jaded. That was yesterday. I’m back to myself now.

Anyway, I can’t share most of my original post with you because it’s all behind us now, lost in the discarded flotsam of the past. But I can share the part about traveling to Boulder to seek spiritual enlightenment and healing. Just for fun, let’s pretend Rick Steves is narrating it, travelogue style:

“Many travelers come to Boulder to explore alternative spiritual paths and healing. They’re coming to the right place, because Boulder’s chock full of psychics, shamans, witches, intuitives, crystal healers, holistic healers, priests, transpersonal hypnotherapists, massage therapists, dieticians, nutritionists, doctors of homeopathy, reverends, energetic healers, psychotherapists, acupuncturists, aura readers, life coaches, body workers, astrologists, palm readers, preachers, automatic writers, mediums, colon hydrotherapists, herbalists, yoga masters, feng shui masters, rolfers, Reiki masters, touch healers, sex therapists, family counselors, Ayurvedic healers, tantric sex masters and tea leaf readers.

Practically everybody in Boulder lives an alternative lifestyle. So if you stay in Boulder for more than a few days and leave town still feeling sick and purposeless, there’s definitely something wrong with you.

Reporting for Too Many Mornings, this is Rick Steves. I hope you enjoyed our trip to beautiful Boulder, Colorado. Until next time, keep on traveling! Cheerio!”

CU's rustic Italian architecture complements Boulder's famous Flatirons formation.

Summer is almost upon us, which means many of you will be vacationing in Colorado. If so, you might want to add beautiful Boulder to your itinerary.

Boulder is nestled against the foothills of the Rocky Mountains — just beneath the famous Flatirons formation, which is quite striking and gives the town a unique presence. The city itself is home to about 85,000 people, but feels like an overgrown mountain town that has managed to retain a bit of its rustic charm. There are some nice neighborhoods and interesting architecture to see while you’re here, including the stately Victorian homes on Mapleton Hill in west Boulder. Three favorite destinations, however, are Chautauqua Park, the University of Colorado campus and the Pearl Street Mall.

Chautauqua Park is a cultural and educational retreat center that opened in 1898 near the foot of the Flatirons. Before radio, television and the Internet, the Chautauqua Movement united millions in common experiences. Orators, performers and educators traveled a national Chautauqua summer circuit of more than 12,000 sites, bringing lectures, performances, concerts, classes and exhibitions to people in small towns and cities. President Theodore Roosevelt called Chautauquas, “the most American thing in America.” Located at the base of Boulder’s Flatirons, Chautauqua Park is one of only three remaining Chautauquas in the U.S.; it’s on the National Register of Historic Places and is a local landmark. It’s a great place to take a relaxed, scenic hike, if you like that sort of thing. You can also take in lectures, movies and concerts here, and the original Chautauqua Dining Hall enjoys a reputation as a must-visit restaurant where you can enjoy classic American cuisine featuring natural and local products. It’s open for breakfast, lunch, dinner and Sunday brunch year-round.

The CU campus is popular place to visit, and one of my favorite places to take a stroll. In the early 1900s, planners originally wanted to model CU’s campus after Gothic East Coast universities. But in 1917, the architect of the firm hired to do the construction proposed building it in the style of Italian rural architecture. This style was developed in the mountains of northern Italy, and is distinguished by its rough, textured sandstone walls and sloping, multi-leveled roofs capped with red tile.  It has a rugged yet classical feel that’s appropriate for a Western university located at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. The buildings are all the more beautiful because they’re surrounded by lush, tree-filled landscaping — a legacy of Ann Sewall, the wife of CU’s first president, Joseph Sewall, who made it her mission to transform the wind-swept native buffalo grass and cactus into an arboreal wonder. The small but informative CU Museum features more than 1.5 million artifacts, including a world-famous collection of Southwestern Native American textiles and artifacts. Just west of the campus is a hip area called The Hill, where you can shop or catch a quick, inexpensive bite to eat at restaurants that cater mainly to students.

The pedestrian-friendly Pearl Street Mall is a brick-paved fantasyland lined with boutique shops, trendy restaurants and an interesting mix of street performers who do their best to sing, dance and cajole you out of your spare change. It’s not unusual to see magicians, jugglers, clowns and musicians working crowds on the mall.

Pearl Street Mall performer David Rosdeitcher not only juggles, he has a freaky ability to recall all 48,000 zip codes in the U.S.

One of my favorites is a harpist who sings opera. But one of the oddest is David Rosdeitcher, who’s freaky ability to recall all 48,000 zip codes in the U.S. and many foreign countries earned him the title of “The Zipcode Man” and a Guinness world record. He also juggles, tells great stories and can recommend the best restaurants in town for nearly every city in America. Speaking of food, between acts you can enjoy lunch or dinner at a wide variety of restaurants featuring everything from high-priced gourmet meals to pizza by the slice. Do like the locals do, and dine al fresco. Just be sure to bring the sunscreen, because Colorado’s sun is strong and hot even in the spring and fall. When you’re done, make sure to stop by the Boulder County Courthouse, which was built in 1933 and is a tribute to art deco architecture. Another must-see is the Hotel Boulderado, which was built in 1909 and features an ornate but elegant Victorian lobby capped by a dramatic stained-glass ceiling.

I hope these Boulder travel tips are useful. See you soon on the Pearl Street Mall!

Dr. Doctor Teen Advisor,

My 15-year-old daughter wants a cell phone for her 16^th birthday, but I’m concerned she’ll spend all her time texting friends, maybe even in the car. What should I do?

Nervous Dad in Denver

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deer nrvs,

u r way 2 wrried abt this prblm – its no bfd

txtng is g8 fun

got 2 go now, trffc vry hvy on the trnpk and dont want accdnt 2 hppn

lol with the kid

your bff,

dr teen advsr

 

Jimmy Dean is 80 years old. His second wife, Donna Meade Dean, isn't.

Country music legend Jimmy Dean and his wife escaped a fire that heavily damaged their farmhouse in Virginia Monday night — and perfectly cooked dozens of sausage patties for the hungry firefighters who fought the blaze.

 The fire at the farmhouse overlooking the James River in Varina, Va., was reported at 8:05 p.m. Monday and brought under control within hours.

Then the hungry firefighters sat down to enjoy a meal of original Jimmy Dean® patties, which are easy to prepare even when your house isn’t on fire, and less messy than regular roll sausage. They enjoyed snarfing the delicious blend of seasonings combined with fresh pork while a grateful Dean serenaded them with a live rendition of his corny yet strangely moving 1961 hit song, “Big Bad John,” Capt. Chris Buehren said.

Neither Dean nor his wife, Donna Meade, were injured in the fire. The cause of the blaze is still being investigated, but probably wasn’t linked to problems with burning sausage, which is too bad because that would have been pretty ironic.