Dear Dr. Teen Advisor,
We’re thinking about buying our fraternal twins, Olga and Hans, new cars for their 16th birthdays. Do you have any advice on what makes the best first new car for teens?
Looking for a Deal in Denver
Olga and Hans? Really? Well, to each his own, I suppose.
Anyway, it can be daunting to shop for a teen’s first car because you have to balance their desire for something expensive and sporty against your desire to tell them to fuck off. Your parents didn’t buy you a car, and what on God’s green earth makes them think you can afford to buy them one, let alone that they deserve one? These lazy, disrespectful shitheads are lucky to still be alive, let alone driving around town all night with their friends in a car you paid for.That said, I believe your choice of teen wheels depends on what you hope to accomplish.
If your teens are super good looking and you need to discourage them from engaging in risky sexual behavior that could make you early grandparents, then I strongly recommend buying a Kia Spectra, Toyota Yaris, Smart Car or Tata Nano, the 9-foot-long Indian car that looks like a roly-poly bug on wheels. These cars are too small to copulate in unless you’re a midget (or so Dr. Teen Advisor hears), but more importantly, they’re embarrassing. There is no greater teen sex deterrent than being embarrassed: Oh — My — God, I am soooo embarrassed!
On the other hand, if your teens are homely and having so much trouble attracting mates that you’re afraid they’ll never leave home, then I’d swing to something sexier. The Ford Mustang and Volkswagen Jetta are two top choices, but for the more rugged, outdoorsy crowd, a soft-top Jeep Wrangler with the doors removed can also do the trick. If your kids are total geeks or downright butt ugly — fat, pimply and wearing Coke-bottle glasses — then I strongly suggest putting together the scratch to get them a BMW or Porsche. They’ll definitely need something eye-popping to take the attention away from their teen hideousness. Rest assured that it’ll be money well spent — unattractive middle-aged men have lured women half their age for decades using expensive sports cars.
Pedal to the Metal,
Dr. Teen Advisor