Juneau, Alaska—Republican matriarch Sarah Palin has been a city councilwoman, Alaska’s governor and a vice presidential candidate.

Now Palin can add television star to her resume.

Palin, 45, announced today that she will star in a new reality TV show called Sarah Palin: Power Hunter.

Sarah Palin befriended conservative rocker Ted Nugent during her vice presidential campaign. Now they will appear together in her new Fox network reality hunting show, Sarah Palin: Power Hunter.

The show debuts this fall on the Fox network. It will feature Palin tracking and hunting fish and game in her home state. Prime targets include moose, polar bears, seals, caribou, grizzly bears, brown bears, salmon, walrus, Dall sheep, black bears, mountain goats, elk, deer, wolves, wolverines, big horn sheep, quail, ruffed grouse, muskox, ducks, geese, ptarmigan, foxes, rabbits, doves, grouse, squirrels, beavers, badgers, raccoons, mountain lions, cougars, lynx and coyotes–pretty much anything with a heartbeat.

“If it moves, we’ll shoot it dead,” Palin said, smiling.

Today’s press conference ends days of speculation about Palin’s next career move following her surprising July 3 announcement she will resign Alaska’s governorship by the end of this month.

“When I said I would leave office to spend more time with my family, I also promised to continue working for positive change in America from outside what I called the superficial wasteful political bloodsport,” Palin said. “Well, I guarantee you, nothing brings about change faster than the business end of a 30-aught-six hunting rifle!”

Guest hunters will be a staple feature of Palin’s show.

One of the stars already lined up to appear with Palin is outspoken conservative rock musician Ted Nugent, a longtime hunter and gun-rights advocate who scored a major hit with his 1977 album Cat Scratch Fever. Fox News’ conservative talk-show host, Bill O’Reilly, will also make an appearance in an unusual episode that features the pair deep-sea fishing for Chinook king salmon with dynamite.

Palin said she has also invited conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh and former Vice President Dick Cheney to help boost ratings with conservative viewers.

Limbaugh’s been the darling of the Republican party–and it’s leading spokesman–since unleashing a series of unapologetic attacks on Democratic leaders earlier this year. In one highly controversial incident that led some onlookers to question Limbaugh’s sanity, he lampooned President Barack Obama by airing an inflammatory song parody called Barack the Magic Negro (see video below). Cheney, meanwhile, remains a hero to many hard-line conservatives despite polls showing he’s despised and feared by most working-class Americans.

But Palin acknowledged her ratings plan might not work.

Limbaugh, who’s suffered from drug addiction and other chronic health problems, may be too fat and unhealthy to fly. And Cheney may be unable to find room in his schedule for filming due to mounting legal troubles stemming from recent allegations that he broke the law during his tenure by keeping covert CIA operations secret from Congress, she said.

If it moves, we’ll shoot it dead. ~ Palin

“I hope the political naysayers and nattering nabobs of negativism that control our national media outlets will leave Mr. Cheney alone and let him get back to what he loves most, which is shooting stuff,” Palin said. She chuckled when reporters asked her about Cheney’s 2006 accidental shooting of a hunting buddy. The vice president accidentally peppered a friend in the face and chest with birdshot after a day of organized quail hunting. Rumors that the hunters had been drinking alcohol were never substantiated, and Palin dismissed any criticism of Cheney.

“Mr. Cheney is not the evil, twisted, demonic, child-eating, deeply paranoid, half-man/half-machine, controlling profiteer he’s portrayed to be, but a true American hero whose behind-the-scenes work kept our country safe from new 9/11 terrorist attacks for many years,” Palin said. “We should be thanking him for his service, not threatening to hound him into federal prison because he may have played a little loose with the law to guard the American people.”

Even without such star power, however, Palin’s show promises to thrill.

The docu-drama will feature a method of swift, highly mobile hunting known as “PTA hunting,”  or stalking game from planes, trains and automobiles. Shooters will use high-powered semi-automatic rifles equipped with sophisticated laser-guided scopes.

It’s a controversial way to hunt–fast-paced, technological, and deadly. Palin popularized it during her vice presidential campaign when she revealed she likes hunting wolves while flying overhead, perched in a helicopter.  And she defended the use of PTA in the face of criticism from animal rights groups like People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), pointing out that the meat will be distributed to poor Alaskan families.

“On my new program, we’re going to be hunting and killing game with maximum efficiency and moving forward at all times. I believe my show underscores my commitment to restoring America’s economy and ensuring America remains the world’s prime symbol of progress and leadership despite these difficult and troubled economic times,” Palin said.

Dear Dr. Teen Advisor,

I recently found an unused condom in my son’s wallet. He’s only 16, and I don’t think he’s having intimate relations with his girlfriend because they’re never alone for more than 10 minutes at a time. But I’m wondering if his father and I should sit down with him and discuss the responsibilities that accompany having intimate relations?

Undecided in Denver

————————————

Dear Undecided,

What do you mean, “intimate relations?” Who are you, Bill Clinton trying to explain to Congress how Monica got that stain on her blue party dress? Speak plainly, mom! You mean having sex, bumpin’ uglies or getting’ it on, right? Don’t be shy, say it loud and proud!

Okay, moving on.

Wake up and smell the pheromones, parents! Teens will make out anywhere, even on the filth-encrusted steps of the subway.

First, let’s examine the evidence that supports the conclusion that your son’s having sex: 1) He’s 16 years old; 2) He has a girlfriend (double points if she has a sexy name like Haley, Courtney or Paige); 3) You found a condom in his wallet; 4) He’s a 16-year-old hormone-crazed male; 5) She’s a 16-year-old hormone-crazed female.

Now let’s look closely at the evidence that shows he’s not having sex: 1) Uh, well, gee…Guess what? There isn’t any, you idiot!

Know why?

Because if these sweet kids have been left alone for more than 60-70 seconds at a time, I guarantee you they’ve fallen under the debilitating influence of pheromones and performed some form of the hokey-pokey in his bedroom, the rec room, the kitchen, the garage, on your back porch, in your car, the front porch, the dining room, in the tree house, the tree, the flower garden, the tool shed, at the school playground, in the park, your broom closet and pantry, the bathroom, the shower, the laundry and your bedroom. Not to mention on, under and beside the desk in your husband’s home office.

So forget about discussing the responsibilities of “intimate relations” with your son and his girlfriend.

It’s way too late for that.

What you need to focus on immediately is choosing a name for your son’s baby, because they’re going to forget to use that condom at some point and she’s going to end up looking as pregnant as the Octo-Mom late in her third trimester. If the baby’s a boy, I suggest Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew or Andrew, which were the top picks for boy’s names in 2009, according to the Social Security Administration. If it’s a girl, go with Emily, Madison, Hannah, Emma and Ashley.

After you settle on a name, concentrate on helping your son find a job, so that you don’t have to let them live in your basement guest room any longer than necessary. It’ll be tough going in the current economy, but Taco Bell and Burger King have excellent management trainee programs, and there are still nurse’s aid or x-ray tech positions available in health care, one of America’s few work sectors that’s still growing. They don’t pay well, but the benefits include health care, which your fresh-faced boy and his nubile wife are going to need.

Once those issues are out of the way, start preparing yourself for the rude stares and questions you’re going to get from conservative family members and your friends at Sunday School. Here are some answers I recommend practicing in the mirror until you can say them with a straight face:

“Oh, yes, we know they’re young, but they’re deeply in love and we fully support their relationship.”

 “We’re so very proud to be having our first grandchild, even though he’s just a sophomore in high school who works the night shift at Taco Bell and she’s dropped out to take care of the baby.”

“She’s a beautiful young woman, and such a capable mother—just an old soul in a teenager’s body who felt the timing was right to start having children.”

I hope this advice helps you as you continue raising that horndog you call son.

Good Luck!

Dr. Teen Advisor

If you have a question for Dr. Teen Advisor, please contact him at Dr.T@TooManyMornings.com

This photo of Elvis was supposedly taken near Reno, Nev., in 1979, two years after the King of Rock 'n Roll was reported dead.

Vacationers in Japan were surprised—to say the least—when they allegedly spotted singers Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley thrilling to rides at Tokyo Disneyland on Tuesday.

The former Kings of Pop and Rock ‘n Roll reportedly were seen snorting with laughter on Snow White’s Scary Adventures, one of the theme park’s most popular attractions.

“I immediately recognized Michael because his sequined glove is unmistakable,” said Nancy Woodson, who was vacationing at Disneyland with her husband, David, and twin 12-year-old sons, Ethan and Daniel. “But I didn’t recognize Elvis at all because he’s lost so much weight since I saw him at the International Hotel in 1969. My husband had to point him out to me. He’s been working out or doing Jenny Craig or something. He looked great.”

Several witnesses said Jackson was dressed in a black shirt and slacks, with black patent leather shoes and his trademark white glove. He had a black scarf tightly wrapped around his head, but his face was clearly visible.

Elvis was said to be wearing blue jeans, and a blue checked western-style shirt. He had a straw cowboy hat pulled low on his forehead, and may have been chewing gum or tobacco.

The sightings immediately fueled widespread speculation that Elvis did not die in 1977 as claimed, but staged his death with the help of government authorities so he could walk away from his musical career to fulfill a lifelong dream of working as an undercover agent for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency. Such rumors have persisted since 1977, most convincingly on websites like elvis-is-alive.com and in the best-selling 1988 book Is Elvis Alive?

Many people also believe that Jackson’s death was faked, perhaps because he was tired of constant publicity–much of it negative in recent years–or to avoid mounting debts.

Polls show that 43 percent of American adults are convinced Elvis is alive. In Jackson’s case, the number is smaller, but still substantial at 19 percent.

Did Jackson's marriage to Elvis' daughter, Lisa Marie, befriend him to Elvis and lead them to fake their deaths? Some people think so.

Conspiracy buffs theorize the pair became friends when Elvis’ daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, married Jackson in 1994. Their marriage lasted less than two years, but they remained unusually close, leading many people to believe Elvis intervened in their tumultuous relationship and befriended Jackson. Both men shared iconic status in their respective fields, a burden that perhaps only a handful of performers can understand.

Japanese police said they could not confirm or deny the tourist’s sightings, but were taking them seriously.

“Because Elvis and Michael were significant public figures, we are investigating their alleged appearances at Tokyo Disneyland very seriously,” said Tokyo police spokesman Hachirou Satomi, speaking through an interpreter. “We have devoted excessive manpower to this case, and intend to get to the bottom of these rumors quickly.”

I was so bored this weekend, you could’ve cut my body into pieces and used it to make a lovely picket fence.

I mean, I was booooooooored. Like the all-pervasive bored you get when you’re a 12-year-old kid and you’ve got nobody to play with, all the cartoons are repeats and it’s so hot outside it takes every ounce of energy you’ve got just to lie on your back in the inflatable pool and stare at the clouds feeling sorry for yourself.

When I’m this bored, nothing satisfies. Not music. Not television. Not movies. Not video games. Not the blessed escape of sleep, or the promise of a new day. Not even food does the trick, including the king of all treats, ice cream. Everything–and I mean everything–is dull, listless, languid, lethargic, indolent and wearying.

The boredom gets so intense (but in a strangely lackluster way that’s not at all interesting), I honestly start to think I’m going to die of boredom. And–who knows?–perhaps I will. Maybe it’s boredom, not cholesterol, that finally causes our hearts to cease beating.

Which got me to thinking: I don’t understand boredom.

Charles Dickens got so bored proofreading his novel, Bleak House, he coined the term boredom to describe how he felt.

What is boredom? I wasn’t bored on Friday, so why did I wake up on Saturday feeling bored? And why did the feeling of ennui last deep into Sunday night?

Turns out, nobody really knows what boredom is.

References to the idea of boredom stretch all the way back to the Greek philosophers, who were understandably bored, what with their endlessly circuitous debates about ethics, reason, metaphysics and knowledge.

Plato: “Socrates, let us dialogue together. I contend that man cannot trust his senses to know the truth, because the senses are subject to myriad outside influences beyond his control, and therefore remain confused and impure. It is the contemplative soul alone that can find truth. Perfect Forms exist, but our senses only allow us to see their shadows. They’re there, projected on the wall of the cave before us, illuminated by the indistinct, flickering flame of a lamp. These images are imperfect copies, but our senses trick us into believing we are seeing things that are good and real, when, in fact, we are living pitifully in a den of evil and ignorance. What say you?”

Socrates: “Oh, dear God, Plato! It’s July, it’s hot, and I’m bored—B.O.R.E.D–with these endless dialogues of yours. Look, I hear Euripides’ new play, The Bacchantes, is up at the amphitheater downtown. It stars Liv Tyler, and she’s hot in a good way. Let’s see if we can still get tickets. I’ll spring for the popcorn and Cokes. Don’t be so tiresome!”

The expression “to be a bore,” meaning to be tiresome or dull, dates to 1768, according to the Oxford English Dictionary.

But “boredom” didn’t enter the English language until 1852, when Charles Dickens used it six times in his ninth novel, Bleak House. It wasn’t in the book’s early drafts, but was later inserted by Dickens as something of an inside joke by the crafty writer, who liked poking fun at his stuffy Victorian peers.

As the story goes, Dickens’ publisher, Sir Lord Nigel Wambaugh, was severely disappointed by the author’s uninspired attempt to sell a mind-numbingly complicated story about the marble-mouthed and somewhat pretentious residents of a dreary manor called Bleak House located in one of England’s most boring counties, South Yorkshire. (Yorkshire, coincidentally, is where they invented Yorkshire pudding, a delicious type of chewy biscuit served with gravy that saved the county from being completely uninteresting.) So Wambaugh ordered Dickens to proofread his own book.

Dickens complied, but grudgingly. And little Dickey soon became bored with his job–not surprisingly, I suppose, given the book’s complicated and plodding plot line. He coined the word boredom to describe how he felt, as well as the word “boring” to explain how he viewed his publisher. Then he mischievously popped them into the book, which was reluctantly published in 20 monthly installments between March 1852 and September 1853, to the delight of literary critics, who love boring writing more than life itself, and to the unenthusiastic response of the public, which was clamoring for something more along the lines of A Christmas Carol or The Bourne Supremacy.

As a result, the word boredom stuck, and is still often used today, especially by me this weekend, when I thought I was going to lose my mind with boredom.

And maybe I did.

Andre the Giant is a large man with large appetites. But he also has a big heart.

My friend, Andre the Giant, called and invited me to dinner Saturday night.

“I’m buying!” he shouted, as he always does, because he’s a giant and has a booming voice. “We’re celebrating!”

“What are we celebrating?”

“Life!”

“Life is good,” I said, laughing.

“Where should we go?” Andre asked.

“Well, I like the Macaroni Grill and On the Border, but if you’re in the mood to splurge, the Denver Chophouse & Brewery is very nice.”

“Let’s do all three,” Andre said. “I’m hungry, and I’m training for a fight with King Kong Bundy next week. Meet me at the Macaroni Grill at 6:30 sharp. We’ll take my limo from there to On the Border and the Chophouse. I’m staying downtown at the Oxford Hotel, near the Chop House.”

“Okay,” I said, laughing again because I knew Andre wasn’t joking about visiting all three restaurants. Andre is a professional wrestler. He’s 7-feet, 4-inches tall, and weighs 500 pounds, so when he says he’s hungry, he all business.

I arrived at the restaurant on time. Andre was already inside, talking loudly to fans and showing off by carrying a waitress on each shoulder while he swigged red wine from a bottle and signed autographs. He’d already ordered for both of us—one of almost everything on the menu, just to be sure.

When the food arrived, we sat down to eat and talk. We discussed many subjects—the rising popularity of wrestling, acting in the theater and movies, and whether modern life is too easy and has robbed living of its essential meaning.

“Look at all this food they prepared for us, Andre. Sometimes I worry we don’t have to work hard enough to survive. What does it do to our souls that we don’t need to hunt for meat, or gather berries in the summer? It isn’t natural. We should be more in touch with nature. We should know the name of this tree and that plant, and what they’re good for. We should sweat more. Our muscles should ache a little at the end of the day.”

“Yes, but I wouldn’t want to give up my wine, or to miss dining at the Café Beaubourg in Paris. Life is hard enough—just ask my opponents! Hah! If a little drink and a good food can help us endure the difficult times, then I say we thank God for what he has provided and enjoy it. You shouldn’t torture yourself with such thoughts. Relax a little and enjoy yourself!”

“I’m sure you’re right, Andre. Still…”

“Still, nothing!” he interrupted. “Eat! Drink!”

Suddenly, Andre stood up, raised a glass of wine to the ceiling, and addressed the roomful of diners.

“Friends, your attention, please! Tonight, I am celebrating my life, friendship, and my upcoming defeat of King Kong Bundy. He thinks he is a big, tough man, but to Andre the Giant, he is just a scared little boy, and I will crush him in the ring! So, in honor of life, friendship and victory, which is as certain as the rising of the sun, Andre is buying everybody’s meal tonight!”

Everybody, including me, started clapping wildly. After all, who doesn’t like a free meal?

Andre and I spent the rest of the night traveling from restaurant to restaurant. He ate more food and drank more wine than I thought possible. I ate more food and drank more wine than I should have. And he paid for everything for everybody. Then, at 2:30 in the morning, Andre yawned, and announced he was tired.

“I need to sleep now,” he said. “My hotel isn’t far. I’ll walk, to get some night air, which will help me sleep. I think you’re a little drunk and shouldn’t drive. My driver will take you home. Tonight was fun.”

“I enjoyed it, too, Andre. You’re a large man with large appetites, but you also have a large heart. Maybe too large for your own good.”

“One’s heart can never be too large,” Andre said.

“Agreed!”

Then Andre smiled and picked me up with his giant hands, hugging me to his giant chest, and squeezing the air out of me with his giant arms.

“Goodnight, my little friend.”

“Goodnight, Andre the Giant.”