Sales of guns for rabbit hunting are way up because Americans know Comrade Obama is considering banning them worldwide.

My Fellow Americans,

Americans aren’t stupid. When that smooth-talking socialist Barack Obama convinced liberals to make him president last year, most U.S. citizens knew it wouldn’t be long before he and his Commie comrades started taking away their guns. So good Americans started buying weapons at a record pace—about 1 million of them last August alone, according to FBI records.

In fact, it’s estimated that Americans purchased enough guns last year to outfit the entire armies of India and China combined. Ammo’s popular, too. Last December, for example, Americans purchased more than 1.5 billion rounds of ammunition to help celebrate Christmas. And, this year, just try finding a box or two of .22-caliber shells for your kids’ Christmas stockings. Bullets are harder to get right now than Zhu Zhu Pets at Wal-Mart.

Today, Americans can proudly say they live in the most well-armed nation on the planet. Why? Because their right to bear arms is guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution. Studies show 22 percent to 50 percent of Americans own guns. The actual number may be higher—most Americans are too smart to tell those Census spies they own guns. Nobody wants the Big Brother Federalists showing up in the middle of the night to confiscate their weapons.

Regardless of what the actual number is, it’s safe to say Americans now own at least 270 million guns, or almost one gun for every man, woman and child in the nation. That doesn’t count illegal immigrants, felons and Canadians here on work visas, of course, who aren’t allowed to carry weapons for obvious reasons and shouldn’t be here in the first place.

Liberals say it’s a bad sign we own so many guns. They say we’re paranoid, immature and as uncivilized as those crazy towelheads we’re fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran. But tell that to the Commies. We have enough guns to make life a living hell if the Red Menace tries to march across our borders to destroy our free way of living. We won’t put up with their lazy work ethics, feel-good cooperative programs and namby-pamby national health care plans. We won’t put up with anything that steals our incentives to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and take care of ourselves. We’ll just fill ‘em full of holes. As the Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto said when he was captured in World War II, “You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”

Guns make perfect Christmas gifts for the family. But good luck finding ammo. It's been in short supply since liberals tricked the American public into voting President Obama in office.

But liberals are prone to going off half-cocked, reflexively arguing that guns are bad for us, like high-fructose corn syrup or red meat.

One of their big arguments is that people who own guns use them against themselves or family members instead of criminals 70-75 percent of the time. They say that’s why firearms are the second-leading cause of traumatic death related to a consumer product in the United States and are the second most frequent cause of death overall for Americans ages 15 to 24. It’s also why more than a million Americans have died in firearm suicides, homicides, and unintentional injuries since 1960. Or why in 2003 alone, 30,136 Americans died by gunfire. That’s more than six times as many American casualties in the entire Iraq war, 10 times as many deaths as we suffered in the attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001, and 30 times as many gun-related deaths as there were in in 2006 in England, Australia, Canada, Austria, Germany and Spain combined.

Well, phooey on liberals! The stats certainly sound scary and may be true in one way, but we all know statistics lie. As the great conservative American author and gun advocate Tom Sawyer said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”

What liberal sissies and their weepy women folk fail to point out is that handguns prevent crime. Yes, gun owners occasionally mistake loved ones for intruders, wounding or killing them. And sometimes they panic and shoot themselves in the foot, ass or head. But you can damn sure bet cash-money on the barrelhead that for every case like that, there are 10 cases where a gun makes some 17-year-old punk think twice before breaking into your house to steal your collection of mint-condition state quarters to help finance his meth addiction. So what if we suffer a little collateral damage in the process of keeping American free and safe?

A beautiful symbol of world peace.

Truth is, criminals steer a wide berth when they know a property is protected by Smith & Wesson security instead of Peace, Love & Understanding Inc. Thousands and thousands of bad-ass criminals who fail to respect hot lead are shot and killed every year in cities like Chicago, LA and Miami. Thousands of others are probably so scared of being shot, they flee to liberal outposts in Europe or Canada, where they’re free to sit in parks smoking dope and stealing from the poor because Europeans are too chicken to carry guns. That’s why countries like France, Germany and Canada are godless, lawless outposts of crime and liberal thinking, and are among the most depressing places in the world to live. I’d rather bleed out with smoking-hot, empty six guns in each hand than be forced to live in backwards oppression like a damned European or Canadian.

Good Americans, never forget that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. That’s why it’s people, not guns, who should be banned from our classrooms, courtrooms and airplanes.

Please support the National Rifle Association and the brave soldiers of the independent militias in the Deep South and Northwest who are fighting to protect our country’s right to bear arms. Resist President Obama and his socialist friends who want to take away our weapons so they can turn America into yet another satellite of the U.S.S.R. Our very freedom is at stake.

God bless you all, and good luck with those Zhu Zhu Pets and ammo!

Max Payne, proud member of the NRA since 2001

My fellow Americans,

Don’t believe the liberal lie that guns aren’t godly, or that we must lay down our arms and embrace love and understanding in order to find peace. Guns and God go together like peanut butter and chocolate—a fact that might stick of the roof of average liberal’s mouth, but is true nevertheless.

Jesus understood true freedom comes only at gunpoint.

Leftists say Jesus Christ was opposed to violence—and therefore guns—because He told his followers to “turn the other cheek,” “love your enemies,” “pray for those who persecute you,” “overcome evil with good,” and, of course, the old familiar saw, “do not make use of force against an evil man.” Also, He allowed the authorities to crucify Him when He could have split the heavens open like a rotten coconut and destroyed them and their courts of corruption with a rain of hell fire that would’ve had the U.S. Marines crapping their pants.

But freethinking liberals quote these passages of Holy Scripture out of context in a barely disguised effort to make Americans soft and usher in the New Age of Godlessness. U.S. citizens wouldn’t anymore let somebody shoot at them without fighting back than they would lend somebody money without expecting it back plus interest, something else socialists claim Jesus advocated. We must never forget the prophet Isaiah’s warning: Godless nations will one day stop training for war and start cooperating with one another by confiscating our swords, melting them into ploughs and forcing us all to become farmers. Substitute the word “swords” for our modern-day guns, and you’ll get the dire picture Isaiah was trying to paint. Liberals will never be happy until they turn America into a nation of PETA-loving, vegetable-eating girly men. And women, I guess.

It’s true Jesus tried not to overreact in certain situations, just like our national hero, Clint Eastwood, remained level headed in Dirty Harry and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. But like His more trigger-happy dad, Jehovah, Jesus also liked to kick ass. When Jesus found money changers like Ace Cash Express and Payday Loans doing business in Jerusalem’s temple, for example, He went on a rampage, driving them out with a homemade whip. He knew they charged too much to cash a check, and He was pissed enough about it to take action. And in Luke 22:36, He said “he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Obviously, Jesus liked swords so much, He’d rather have a guy walk around butt naked with a full scabbard on his hip than go unarmed. And if they’d had gun shops back then, Jesus would’ve been a regular customer there, too, stocking up with the rest of the faithful on large-caliber ammo in preparation for Armageddon.

Jesus is as American as guns,apple pie and the American flag.

For the day is coming when Jesus Christ will return to this world to put God-fearing America in its rightful place at the head of the Thanksgiving dining table among nations. And it’s guaranteed that when that great day finally arrives, the Messiah and his angry archangels won’t be armed with slings and swords to fight the devil and his demons. No, the heavenly host will be packing heat—not cheap Chinese- or European-made guns like Rugers, Lugers or Rutger Hauers, but reliable American-made guns like the M16, the AK-47 and the 9mm (.35 inch) Beretta. The devil will have a hell of time doing his dirty deeds with a couple of copper-clad hollow points in his chest.

Good Americans, when you kneel beside your beds tonight to say your prayers, ask the Commander in Chief for the strength to stand by your convictions when it comes to protecting our right to bear arms. Although liberals are desperate to take it away, that right is guaranteed by the Second Amendment in our nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution, which was prayerfully written by the Christian Founding Fathers. Pray also for the strength to take accurate aim and squeeze the trigger on that day when it finally becomes necessary to protect your television set, stereo, GPS navigation device, computer, coin collection, car, motorcycle, ski-doo, boat, camper, power tools and small appliances. Oh, I almost forgot—and your loved ones.

Sincerely,

Max Payne, card-carrying member of the NRA since 2001

Even this sarcastic 6-year-old artist knows the truth about Second Amendment rights: Get guns, or get dead.

My Fellow Americans,

Sound the Liberty Bell! Cry for freedom! The epicenter of America’s gun debate has shifted to Colorado State University in Fort Collins, Colo.

Liberal professors in one of America’s most liberal states are again taking potshots at our right to bear arms from their gilded ivory academic towers.  CSU’s Board of Governors voted 7-0 last week to ban concealed guns on campus because they’re afraid of accidental shootings. Apparently, it wasn’t good enough for them that guns were already illegal at CSU, and at virtually all college campuses nationwide. These socialists in sheep’s clothing had to take it step farther and once again take measures to erode our Second Amendment rights, like a liberal tide gnawing away at the conservative sands of Normandy’s beaches. “Overwhelmingly, the faculty feel our campus will be a safer place” with a ban on all guns, said Dan Turk, associate professor of computer information systems.

Oh, puh-leeeeese, professor pansy! Where’s the voice of reason in this argument? Sadly, it’s been left to the mouths of babes—brave, outspoken students like senior Brady Allen, who told the board that fear of accidental discharges was a silly reason to ban guns. “You might as well ban everything that has a potential risk—cars, alcohol and sports,” the 25-year-old history student and a former Marine said.

We’ve all heard the liberal yammering they’re hearing now at CSU: Crazy people use guns to shoot innocent people at our schools, so guns should be banned at schools. But that’s just another example of liberal reversey-doosey thinking. Consider four of the worst school shootings in U.S. history: The University of Austin, where a sniper killed 14 people and wounded 32 others from high atop a campus tower in 1966; Columbine High School, where 13 people were killed and 21 injured in a 1999 shooting by two students; Virgina Tech, where 32 people were killed and 23 wounded in 2007; and Fort Hood, where 13 people were killed and 32 injured this year.

Thanks to decades of liberal inroads on our Second Amendment rights, nobody on these fine U.S. campuses was armed and able to defend themselves. The lesson is obvious: If the fraidy-cat soccer moms who run our schools today simply allowed students to openly carry guns on their belts, in shoulder holsters and in their backpacks, kids could protect themselves against vicious attacks. It was a plan that worked in the Wild West, and it’ll work today’s wild and wooly times, too.

Liberals like to say, “It’ll be a great day when education gets all the money it wants and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy bombers.” But the truth is that it’ll be a truly great day when schools are able to hold bake sales to buy kids guns and the NRA training to use them. Imagine classrooms in which our kindergartners learn how to properly handle and care for handguns at the same time they learn their ABCs! Or converting elementary school gynasiums into shooting ranges for target practice after school! Or cheering excitedly as teams of our well-armed teens compete in police-style target shooting competitions at high school stadiums every fall, just as we cheer for football teams now! Imagine giving every child–no matter their race, creed or color–their own personal handgun when they enroll in school, just as many students now receive free laptop computers to help them with their studies.

America must  dump Euro-style, socialist ways of teaching that are permeating our school hallways like mold in the shower. Out with the Waldorf method, British Primary training, and that namby-pamby Montessori crap. We’re free Americans, and we should switch to a quintessential American curriculum: Good, old-fashioned reading, writing and arithmetic alongside home ec, typing and NRA marksmanship courses. Why? Picture how much differently an all-too-common lunchroom confrontation might go if our gun-savvy students are allowed to carry side arms to school: 

Want bully-free high schools? Let students carry guns to school to defend themselves, like they did in olden days.

Thug, armed with a .22-caliber pea shooter: “Give me your lunch money, computer geek.”

Geeky kid, brandishing a .44-Magnum: “You want my lunch money, punk? How about I pop a cap in your ass instead?”

.44 Magnum: Bang! (Reverberation.)

Thug, writhing on the floor: “Arghhhh! My leg! Somebody help me, please!”

.44 Magnum: Bang! Bang! (Reverberation. Distant echoes in the hallway.)

Thug: Dead silent.

Geeky kid, calmly re-loading: “You’ll never bother me or my friends again.”

Police: “Thanks, geeky kid! You just made your high school a little safer and our jobs a little easier. Here’s a medal of honor for you!”

In addition to ending unwarranted gun violence, allowing students to carry guns would just about put an end to high school bullying and name-calling, too. But liberals will fight it, because they are more frightened of guns than they are of their own left-leaning shadows. That’s why they keep chipping away at gun rights on our campuses. We must resist their harebrained schemes to undermine the fundamental rights of the United States of America, and renew the fight to protect our right to bear arms, not only at our schools, but also in our workplaces, malls and churches!

Sincerely,

Max Payne, proud member of the NRA since 2001

President George Washington didn't defeat England's army with dentures. He used Winchester rifles, the same guns that later tamed the Wild West.

Fellow Americans,

A lot of Nancy-boys in this country want President Obama to make guns illegal. But ignore their liberal monkey chatter. Guns are as American as Old Glory and our national anthem, America the Beautiful. After all, it was guns that made this country free.

When President George Washington crossed the Delaware River on a cold Christmas Day in 1776, his brave band of frontiersmen didn’t defeat Britain’s Hessian troops with handheld cherry-tree axes and scary-looking wooden dentures. They beat those hired Huns with Yankee-made Winchester rifles and Colt .45s, the same blazing guns that later tamed the Wild West.

In fact, thanks to the Continental Army’s brilliant strategy of eating a quick, light breakfast at the hotel and then crossing the river to stage a surprise attack on those mercenary bastards, only three Americans were killed and six wounded in the battle. More than 20 of the Hessians were killed with 98 wounded. It was the USA vs. Iraq all over again, except the battle was set to baroque music instead of country music and fought against hired Nazis and tea drinkers instead of towel-heads.

At the time, a bunch of pansy-ass wig-wearers in liberal outposts like Boston reportedly suggested that Washington’s men lay down their guns and engage the Krauts in hand-to-hand combat. Their argument was that it would’ve been more sporting because those Jerry bastards were notoriously under-provisioned and under-armed. But American casualties would have been much higher on that fateful day if they had. For the filthy Boche didn’t fight fair; They were trained by their chiefs to leap out of trees or bushes and use their stout tankards, or steins, to quickly subdue opponents by knocking them unconscious and scalping them with their Swiss Army knives.

The Second Amendment protects things Americans love, like handguns, rifles, ammunition and the Internet.

By employing the business ends of their rifles to get the job done, American troops were able to win the Battle of Trentlott quickly. It became the decisive battle of the USA’s bitter conflict with England’s King Richard III, turning the war in our favor. On that day, we captured 1,000 prisoners and seized invaluable stores of the essential tools of the American Revolution: muskets, gunpowder, artillery and Scotch whiskey.

President Thomas Jefferson, an upstanding early member of the conservative Republican Party, fully understood the importance of those events. “The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government,” he told the Continental Congress in a famous toast to Washington’s historical achievement. Thanks to Washington’s success as our nation’s first Commander in Chief, revolutionary forces marched to glorious victory in skirmish after skirmish with the British from then on, from Bunker Hill and Antietam to Valley Forge and the Battle of the Bulge.

It was Jefferson and the other conservative founding fathers who later gathered at the capitol in Washington, D.C., to seek God’s guidance in making America the world’s greatest country. In their prayerful wisdom, they issued the American people a lifetime warranty protecting their right to bear arms by incorporating the Second Amendment into America’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution. The amendment states: “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Although the grammar is questionable—England’s socialist schools were lousy then, too—the amendment’s intent is crystal clear: The Founding Fathers wanted the American people to be armed to the holster in case there was any freethinking hanky-panky in the Senate or House that threatened our fundamental freedoms. In effect, they were fighting from their graves to save our precious way of life.

Good Americans, we cannot let the sacrifice of our Founding Fathers die in vain. We have reached a critical juncture in our nation’s history—a time when liberalism and soft thinking threatens our very way of life. Now more than ever before we must stand tall on the headstones of our Founding Fathers and resist the liberals who would take away our right to bear arms. Let us boldly proclaim our support for the Second Amendment—by the rule of law as long as we can, or with the support of Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson, if necessary.  Because even though the Second Amendment may be number two on the Constitution’s list, without its firepower, the other nine commandments will become as meaningless as the stone they’re carved on.

Sincerely,

Max Payne, card-carrying member of the NRA since 2001