Dear Dr. Teen Advisor,
I recently found an unused condom in my son’s wallet. He’s only 16, and I don’t think he’s having intimate relations with his girlfriend because they’re never alone for more than 10 minutes at a time. But I’m wondering if his father and I should sit down with him and discuss the responsibilities that accompany having intimate relations?
Undecided in Denver
What do you mean, “intimate relations?” Who are you, Bill Clinton trying to explain to Congress how Monica got that stain on her blue party dress? Speak plainly, mom! You mean having sex, bumpin’ uglies or getting’ it on, right? Don’t be shy, say it loud and proud!
Okay, moving on.
First, let’s examine the evidence that supports the conclusion that your son’s having sex: 1) He’s 16 years old; 2) He has a girlfriend (double points if she has a sexy name like Haley, Courtney or Paige); 3) You found a condom in his wallet; 4) He’s a 16-year-old hormone-crazed male; 5) She’s a 16-year-old hormone-crazed female.
Now let’s look closely at the evidence that shows he’s not having sex: 1) Uh, well, gee…Guess what? There isn’t any, you idiot!
Because if these sweet kids have been left alone for more than 60-70 seconds at a time, I guarantee you they’ve fallen under the debilitating influence of pheromones and performed some form of the hokey-pokey in his bedroom, the rec room, the kitchen, the garage, on your back porch, in your car, the front porch, the dining room, in the tree house, the tree, the flower garden, the tool shed, at the school playground, in the park, your broom closet and pantry, the bathroom, the shower, the laundry and your bedroom. Not to mention on, under and beside the desk in your husband’s home office.
So forget about discussing the responsibilities of “intimate relations” with your son and his girlfriend.
It’s way too late for that.
What you need to focus on immediately is choosing a name for your son’s baby, because they’re going to forget to use that condom at some point and she’s going to end up looking as pregnant as the Octo-Mom late in her third trimester. If the baby’s a boy, I suggest Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew or Andrew, which were the top picks for boy’s names in 2009, according to the Social Security Administration. If it’s a girl, go with Emily, Madison, Hannah, Emma and Ashley.
After you settle on a name, concentrate on helping your son find a job, so that you don’t have to let them live in your basement guest room any longer than necessary. It’ll be tough going in the current economy, but Taco Bell and Burger King have excellent management trainee programs, and there are still nurse’s aid or x-ray tech positions available in health care, one of America’s few work sectors that’s still growing. They don’t pay well, but the benefits include health care, which your fresh-faced boy and his nubile wife are going to need.
Once those issues are out of the way, start preparing yourself for the rude stares and questions you’re going to get from conservative family members and your friends at Sunday School. Here are some answers I recommend practicing in the mirror until you can say them with a straight face:
“Oh, yes, we know they’re young, but they’re deeply in love and we fully support their relationship.”
“We’re so very proud to be having our first grandchild, even though he’s just a sophomore in high school who works the night shift at Taco Bell and she’s dropped out to take care of the baby.”
“She’s a beautiful young woman, and such a capable mother—just an old soul in a teenager’s body who felt the timing was right to start having children.”
I hope this advice helps you as you continue raising that horndog you call son.
Dr. Teen Advisor
If you have a question for Dr. Teen Advisor, please contact him at Dr.T@TooManyMornings.com