Male fiddler crabs will fight other crabs in exchange for sex, according to a new study.
This took a study?
Fighting’s nothing. I know guys who will wade across a river of shit up to their noses if they think there’s a willing woman waiting for them on the other bank. And I’d bet $100 cash money that many American men would gleefully punch their neighbors square in the nose if they thought it would get them laid. In Texas, I believe it’s not only legal but required to shoot your neighbor’s balls off if you catch him in bed boinking your woman. They won’t prosecute you for it down there–they’ll give you the bastard’s wife for a night as a consolation prize.
Researchers from The Australian National University in Canberra found male fiddler crabs will happily defend nearby females against intruders—partly because the females dole out sex in return, often right out on the open beach in front of the other crabs instead of in the privacy of their sand burrows.
I’ll bet Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis and his crew are rushing down to Australia even as I write this to film a new episode of Crabs Gone Wild: Candy-Ass Can-Cans in Canberra.
At least they aren’t as dirty as fruit bats. The crabs, I mean, not Joe and his fornicating friends. Those guys are as depraved as it gets. As depraved as fruit bats.
Chinese scientists recently discovered that many female short-nosed fruit bats routinely perform oral sex—not as foreplay, but while they’re hanging upside down copulating. The female bats apparently bend up like–well, like Chinese contortionists–to perform fellatio with their tongues in an attempt to prolong the sex act.
No wonder they have short noses.
I haven’t heard of sex that kinky since Mindy and Mike tore the chandelier out of the ceiling in the bridal suite at the Embassy Suites while they were on their honeymoon to Niagara Falls.
Not surprisingly, a little bat-licking works. Male bats never withdrew from their female partners as long as they were getting blown. This behavior surprised the scientists at the Guangdong Entomological Institute.
Yes, so stop snickering. At least it wasn’t the Longdong Institute.
The research took place at the highly respected Guangdong Institute, and here’s an actual quote from an actual scientist to prove it: “We did not expect fellatio in fruit bats at the beginning,” researcher Libiao Zhang said breathlessly. “We were also surprised at how often it occurred.”
I’m with Zhang on this one. I didn’t expect bats to be engaging in oral sex, either. I thought bats had higher standards than that, especially the openly religious bats. But these bad bats might as well toss their tiny little bat-purity rings into the guano with the other filthy bats’ used condoms and see-through panties.
No less than 14 out of 20 of the female fruit bats did the dirty deed during the study. The other six, still plenty oversexed but more prudish than their peers, weren’t interested in oral sex, but they were willing to give their mates upside down handjobs.
Maybe the mouthy bats were raised by lousy parents.
Maybe their drunken, pot-smoking, liberal parents turned them into aspiring porn stars.
They’re porn stars now, anyway, because the scientists cum adult movie producers secretly filmed the bats humping at night. You can watch the bat porn online for free, no credit card number or e-mail address required.
Enjoy the film.
Oh, and in case you’re curious, deviant sex is relatively rare among animals, but not entirely unheard of. Antarctica’s Adelie prostitute penguins, for instance, exchange sex for highly coveted stones used for nest building. Juvenile members of the chimpanzee-like bonobo monkeys often perform oral sex for play, and not just on prom night. Male dolphins have prehensile penises and are known to have sex, sometimes with other species, many times a day, just like our NFL and NBA stars. Sea hares are hermaphrodites that engage in orgies.
Thank goodness we don’t see any of that over-the-top naughty stuff on family shows like Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom or the Westminster Kennel Club. I prefer to think “doggy style” is just a well-groomed poodle.