Short-nosed fruit bats seem cute and innocent, but they're nature's horndogs and you shouldn't let them anywhere near your daughters.
Male fiddler crabs will fight other crabs in exchange for sex, according to a new study.
Well, whoop-de-doo.
This took a study?
Fighting’s nothing. I know guys who will wade across a river of shit up to their noses if they think there’s a willing woman waiting for them on the other bank. And I’d bet $100 cash money that many American men would gleefully punch their neighbors square in the nose if they thought it would get them laid. In Texas, I believe it’s not only legal but required to shoot your neighbor’s balls off if you catch him in bed boinking your woman. They won’t prosecute you for it down there–they’ll give you the bastard’s wife for a night as a consolation prize.
Whatever.
Researchers from The Australian National University in Canberra found male fiddler crabs will happily defend nearby females against intruders—partly because the females dole out sex in return, often right out on the open beach in front of the other crabs instead of in the privacy of their sand burrows.
Those sluts.
I’ll bet Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis and his crew are rushing down to Australia even as I write this to film a new episode of Crabs Gone Wild: Candy-Ass Can-Cans in Canberra.
At least they aren’t as dirty as fruit bats. The crabs, I mean, not Joe and his fornicating friends. Those guys are as depraved as it gets. As depraved as fruit bats.
Chinese scientists recently discovered that many female short-nosed fruit bats routinely perform oral sex—not as foreplay, but while they’re hanging upside down copulating. The female bats apparently bend up like–well, like Chinese contortionists–to perform fellatio with their tongues in an attempt to prolong the sex act.
No wonder they have short noses.
I haven’t heard of sex that kinky since Mindy and Mike tore the chandelier out of the ceiling in the bridal suite at the Embassy Suites while they were on their honeymoon to Niagara Falls.
Not surprisingly, a little bat-licking works. Male bats never withdrew from their female partners as long as they were getting blown. This behavior surprised the scientists at the Guangdong Entomological Institute.
Guangdong?
Seriously?
Yes, so stop snickering. At least it wasn’t the Longdong Institute.
Fiddler crabs are constantly picking fights in an attempt to get laid.
The research took place at the highly respected Guangdong Institute, and here’s an actual quote from an actual scientist to prove it: “We did not expect fellatio in fruit bats at the beginning,” researcher Libiao Zhang said breathlessly. “We were also surprised at how often it occurred.”
I’m with Zhang on this one. I didn’t expect bats to be engaging in oral sex, either. I thought bats had higher standards than that, especially the openly religious bats. But these bad bats might as well toss their tiny little bat-purity rings into the guano with the other filthy bats’ used condoms and see-through panties.
No less than 14 out of 20 of the female fruit bats did the dirty deed during the study. The other six, still plenty oversexed but more prudish than their peers, weren’t interested in oral sex, but they were willing to give their mates upside down handjobs.
Maybe the mouthy bats were raised by lousy parents.
Maybe their drunken, pot-smoking, liberal parents turned them into aspiring porn stars.
They’re porn stars now, anyway, because the scientists cum adult movie producers secretly filmed the bats humping at night. You can watch the bat porn online for free, no credit card number or e-mail address required.
Enjoy the film.
Sea hare or sex-crazed hermaphrodite? Both. And don't go near a group of them on a Saturday night.
Oh, and in case you’re curious, deviant sex is relatively rare among animals, but not entirely unheard of. Antarctica’s Adelie prostitute penguins, for instance, exchange sex for highly coveted stones used for nest building. Juvenile members of the chimpanzee-like bonobo monkeys often perform oral sex for play, and not just on prom night. Male dolphins have prehensile penises and are known to have sex, sometimes with other species, many times a day, just like our NFL and NBA stars. Sea hares are hermaphrodites that engage in orgies.
Thank goodness we don’t see any of that over-the-top naughty stuff on family shows like Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom or the Westminster Kennel Club. I prefer to think “doggy style” is just a well-groomed poodle.
Just realizing that both crabs and fruit bats get way better action than I do.
Thanks for starting my Thursday off really really shitty.
It is terribly sad to be bested by a fruit bat, isn’t it? Perhaps Friday will be better for you.
Crabs Gone Wild?
Hilarious!
Although doesn’t Crabs Gone Wild lead to The Clap Gone Wild?
Ha!
My thought exactly. In fact, while I was writing this, I kept asking myself if crabs can get crabs. Still no answer, but perhaps science will provide one soon. I hope not.
I clicked over to watch the film of the bats doing the big nasty. I looked over to see what was next in line of the relevant YouTube selections – “Sexy Hot Lesbians Making Out and Kissing XXX”. No, I didn’t watch! I think guys would also wade across a river of shit up to their noses for this kind of action.
I’m not sure women fully understand what lengths men will go to get their hands–or whatever–on a woman. Men are, in a word, disgusting.
As far as the sexy lesbians kissing video goes, I hadn’t noticed it. But thanks for pointing it out to us.
Boy, I hope your wife gets better soon.
Stop reading between the lines.
Next time I’m lookin’ for a good time, I’m callin’ a bat!
Me, too.
Boo on Mad Mad Margo for not including the link.
Women. Unbelievable.
Honestly, Moooooog, I don’t think she cares about us and our needs. I feel so lonely.
Here it is…although you could have clicked on the film link yourself. And, no, I did NOT watch it!
Everybody LISTEN UP BECAUSE I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! Mad-Mad Margo absolutely, positively, 100 percent for sure, never ever ever not even once WATCHED THE LESBIANS KISSING VIDEO on YouTube! Mad-Mad Margo is as wholesome and as pure as the driven snow and wouldn’t watch that video if it was the last video on Earth, which it soon might be because I don’t think the apocalypse can be very far away given the current state of affairs.
In addition, when the meteors start smacking into the Earth, get as far away from Moooog and his friends–maybe especially his friends–as you can. I won’t bother explaining why here, but trust me when I say that you don’t want to be anywhere near Moooog when the apocalypse starts raining down on us. If you don’t believe me, and please please do trust me on this one thing, click on his blog link and check out today’s post on his website. It might be the most repugnant thing I’ve ever read, and I’ve read some horrible shit–pardon the pun–in my day.
All they need to do is lower the self esteem of the prudish bats and they’ll be giving more than handjobs in no time…sigh….reminds me of high school…..
High school was a lot of fun, wasn’t it? A magical time when our disheveled, dysfunctional personalities were shaped…..
This begs the question, “If a crab sleeps around with many other crabs, can he catch people?”
Why didn’t I think of that? You’re no Knucklehead, you’re brilliant!
Knucklehead killing it…great line.
Women always cause violence when it comes to sex but many times it can be used to your advantage to get a new piece of ass.
I just watched Bats having sex and it was doggie style. Do any animals not do it Doggie Style?
Dogs rule?
Won’t you get crabs from having crazy bat sex? These aren’t blood sucking vampire bats we’re talking about right? Cause that would be crossing the line. Or tapping into the whole Twilight craze.
They’re fruit bats, which raises a whole ‘nother set of issues. And I love the phrase, “crazy bat sex.” Holy crazy bat sex, Batman, the joker’s got a gun!
okay you HAVE to let us reprint this one on our site!
You’re welcome to it.
Hmmm.
So maybe Batman really is just a big ol’ horndog draped in a cape.
Robin might know.
Oh, I’m positive Robin knows. Have you seen his tights with the codpiece?
And all this time I thought it was just a really big potato he stuffed in his tights.
“Well. That was certainly more information than I ever needed to know about fruit bats,” she says, slowly backing away from the blog and trying not to seem too embarrassed.
I really owe everybody an apology for “working blue,” as comics say. I think I felt I needed to balanace out the seriousness of everything that’s been going on in my life, and these two wild kingdom stories just hit me as being pretty damn funny.
They ARE funny.
No apology necessary.
I was wondering as I read about the Fruit bats and their blow jobs, do Vampire bats do that? Give blow jobs I mean. That would kind of suck (no pun intended.)I read moooooog’s post and was not shocked. I know a woman who’s nickname is “Butter Bean”
There are so many jokes I could tell here, but it seems too easy. I think everybody should just make up their own.
Не совсем уловил некоторые моменты, но в общем увлекательно
Translation: “Not quite caught some moments, but generally entertaining.”
Thank you for being honest. Most people lie, and say everything’s great.