My fellow Americans,
Don’t believe the liberal lie that guns aren’t godly, or that we must lay down our arms and embrace love and understanding in order to find peace. Guns and God go together like peanut butter and chocolate—a fact that might stick of the roof of average liberal’s mouth, but is true nevertheless.
Leftists say Jesus Christ was opposed to violence—and therefore guns—because He told his followers to “turn the other cheek,” “love your enemies,” “pray for those who persecute you,” “overcome evil with good,” and, of course, the old familiar saw, “do not make use of force against an evil man.” Also, He allowed the authorities to crucify Him when He could have split the heavens open like a rotten coconut and destroyed them and their courts of corruption with a rain of hell fire that would’ve had the U.S. Marines crapping their pants.
But freethinking liberals quote these passages of Holy Scripture out of context in a barely disguised effort to make Americans soft and usher in the New Age of Godlessness. U.S. citizens wouldn’t anymore let somebody shoot at them without fighting back than they would lend somebody money without expecting it back plus interest, something else socialists claim Jesus advocated. We must never forget the prophet Isaiah’s warning: Godless nations will one day stop training for war and start cooperating with one another by confiscating our swords, melting them into ploughs and forcing us all to become farmers. Substitute the word “swords” for our modern-day guns, and you’ll get the dire picture Isaiah was trying to paint. Liberals will never be happy until they turn America into a nation of PETA-loving, vegetable-eating girly men. And women, I guess.
It’s true Jesus tried not to overreact in certain situations, just like our national hero, Clint Eastwood, remained level headed in Dirty Harry and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. But like His more trigger-happy dad, Jehovah, Jesus also liked to kick ass. When Jesus found money changers like Ace Cash Express and Payday Loans doing business in Jerusalem’s temple, for example, He went on a rampage, driving them out with a homemade whip. He knew they charged too much to cash a check, and He was pissed enough about it to take action. And in Luke 22:36, He said “he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Obviously, Jesus liked swords so much, He’d rather have a guy walk around butt naked with a full scabbard on his hip than go unarmed. And if they’d had gun shops back then, Jesus would’ve been a regular customer there, too, stocking up with the rest of the faithful on large-caliber ammo in preparation for Armageddon.
For the day is coming when Jesus Christ will return to this world to put God-fearing America in its rightful place at the head of the Thanksgiving dining table among nations. And it’s guaranteed that when that great day finally arrives, the Messiah and his angry archangels won’t be armed with slings and swords to fight the devil and his demons. No, the heavenly host will be packing heat—not cheap Chinese- or European-made guns like Rugers, Lugers or Rutger Hauers, but reliable American-made guns like the M16, the AK-47 and the 9mm (.35 inch) Beretta. The devil will have a hell of time doing his dirty deeds with a couple of copper-clad hollow points in his chest.
Good Americans, when you kneel beside your beds tonight to say your prayers, ask the Commander in Chief for the strength to stand by your convictions when it comes to protecting our right to bear arms. Although liberals are desperate to take it away, that right is guaranteed by the Second Amendment in our nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution, which was prayerfully written by the Christian Founding Fathers. Pray also for the strength to take accurate aim and squeeze the trigger on that day when it finally becomes necessary to protect your television set, stereo, GPS navigation device, computer, coin collection, car, motorcycle, ski-doo, boat, camper, power tools and small appliances. Oh, I almost forgot—and your loved ones.
Max Payne, card-carrying member of the NRA since 2001