My Fellow Americans,
Americans aren’t stupid. When that smooth-talking socialist Barack Obama convinced liberals to make him president last year, most U.S. citizens knew it wouldn’t be long before he and his Commie comrades started taking away their guns. So good Americans started buying weapons at a record pace—about 1 million of them last August alone, according to FBI records.
In fact, it’s estimated that Americans purchased enough guns last year to outfit the entire armies of India and China combined. Ammo’s popular, too. Last December, for example, Americans purchased more than 1.5 billion rounds of ammunition to help celebrate Christmas. And, this year, just try finding a box or two of .22-caliber shells for your kids’ Christmas stockings. Bullets are harder to get right now than Zhu Zhu Pets at Wal-Mart.
Today, Americans can proudly say they live in the most well-armed nation on the planet. Why? Because their right to bear arms is guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution. Studies show 22 percent to 50 percent of Americans own guns. The actual number may be higher—most Americans are too smart to tell those Census spies they own guns. Nobody wants the Big Brother Federalists showing up in the middle of the night to confiscate their weapons.
Regardless of what the actual number is, it’s safe to say Americans now own at least 270 million guns, or almost one gun for every man, woman and child in the nation. That doesn’t count illegal immigrants, felons and Canadians here on work visas, of course, who aren’t allowed to carry weapons for obvious reasons and shouldn’t be here in the first place.
Liberals say it’s a bad sign we own so many guns. They say we’re paranoid, immature and as uncivilized as those crazy towelheads we’re fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran. But tell that to the Commies. We have enough guns to make life a living hell if the Red Menace tries to march across our borders to destroy our free way of living. We won’t put up with their lazy work ethics, feel-good cooperative programs and namby-pamby national health care plans. We won’t put up with anything that steals our incentives to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and take care of ourselves. We’ll just fill ‘em full of holes. As the Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto said when he was captured in World War II, “You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”
But liberals are prone to going off half-cocked, reflexively arguing that guns are bad for us, like high-fructose corn syrup or red meat.
One of their big arguments is that people who own guns use them against themselves or family members instead of criminals 70-75 percent of the time. They say that’s why firearms are the second-leading cause of traumatic death related to a consumer product in the United States and are the second most frequent cause of death overall for Americans ages 15 to 24. It’s also why more than a million Americans have died in firearm suicides, homicides, and unintentional injuries since 1960. Or why in 2003 alone, 30,136 Americans died by gunfire. That’s more than six times as many American casualties in the entire Iraq war, 10 times as many deaths as we suffered in the attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001, and 30 times as many gun-related deaths as there were in in 2006 in England, Australia, Canada, Austria, Germany and Spain combined.
Well, phooey on liberals! The stats certainly sound scary and may be true in one way, but we all know statistics lie. As the great conservative American author and gun advocate Tom Sawyer said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”
What liberal sissies and their weepy women folk fail to point out is that handguns prevent crime. Yes, gun owners occasionally mistake loved ones for intruders, wounding or killing them. And sometimes they panic and shoot themselves in the foot, ass or head. But you can damn sure bet cash-money on the barrelhead that for every case like that, there are 10 cases where a gun makes some 17-year-old punk think twice before breaking into your house to steal your collection of mint-condition state quarters to help finance his meth addiction. So what if we suffer a little collateral damage in the process of keeping American free and safe?
Truth is, criminals steer a wide berth when they know a property is protected by Smith & Wesson security instead of Peace, Love & Understanding Inc. Thousands and thousands of bad-ass criminals who fail to respect hot lead are shot and killed every year in cities like Chicago, LA and Miami. Thousands of others are probably so scared of being shot, they flee to liberal outposts in Europe or Canada, where they’re free to sit in parks smoking dope and stealing from the poor because Europeans are too chicken to carry guns. That’s why countries like France, Germany and Canada are godless, lawless outposts of crime and liberal thinking, and are among the most depressing places in the world to live. I’d rather bleed out with smoking-hot, empty six guns in each hand than be forced to live in backwards oppression like a damned European or Canadian.
Good Americans, never forget that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. That’s why it’s people, not guns, who should be banned from our classrooms, courtrooms and airplanes.
Please support the National Rifle Association and the brave soldiers of the independent militias in the Deep South and Northwest who are fighting to protect our country’s right to bear arms. Resist President Obama and his socialist friends who want to take away our weapons so they can turn America into yet another satellite of the U.S.S.R. Our very freedom is at stake.
God bless you all, and good luck with those Zhu Zhu Pets and ammo!
Max Payne, proud member of the NRA since 2001