Cute picture, huh?
Orange.
No, this isn’t a post about fruit, although I enjoy fruit, especially nectarines, raspberries and plums.
I just figured that after four straight days and 3,467 words mocking America’s obsession with guns and its Second Amendment rights, maybe the dozen or so people who regularly read this blog might appreciate a topical break. As in, “orange you glad I didn’t say guns?”
I don’t know how your minds work, but my mind is a little like a pit bull. Sometimes it latches onto ideas with its jaws—I’d say “powerful” jaws, but in my case I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate—and won’t let go until somebody offers it a bowl of tasty Kibbles ‘n Bits.
Or shoots it.
Damn.
Orange.
Oh, forget it.
You see, even now, despite my better instincts, my brain wants to gravitate back to guns. I think of it as an undiagnosed and untreated form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, except that instead of washing my hands repeatedly, I perseverate on certain concepts, which roll around in my empty skull like marbles until they eventually fall out of my ears and disappear.
These thoughts are often insignificant or trivial, like, “Ooh, I really like that new song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers! I think I’ll listen to it 50 times in a row!” Or, they can be more erudite, as I’d like to believe was the case with guns.
Damn! There it is again.
Orange.
No, it just isn’t working.
Look, I need to get this off my mind, so here’s the thing: I believe guns are bad for America.
I tried to communicate that idea over the last four days in what I thought was a clever, backhanded way by creating a conservative, letter-writing character named Max Payne. Payne is named for a gun-happy character in a popular series of video games, and except for being passionate, he’s nothing like me. He’s an NRA gun nut of the worst sort. I thought that would be obvious, especially in context of what I normally write. I thought the series of posts was so bombastic—elementary school kids should be allowed to take guns to school?— that everybody would get the joke. I thought they were so riddled with factual errors—the national anthem is America the Beautiful and President George Washington fought the Nazis with Winchester rifles at the Battle of Trentlott?—that everybody would get the joke. I thought they were so over-the-top nutty—Jesus is coming back armed with AK-47s to battle the Devil?—that everybody would get the joke.
But almost nobody got the joke. Maybe nobody at all, which tells me that I failed. Miserably. What I have here is a failure to communicate.
So I apologize for doing a poor job of communicating, and for misleading you.
And now I’m going to say what I intended to say, but I’m going to say it straight: Frankly, I’m sick and tired of picking up the newspaper and reading headlines like “Four Cops Shot, Suspect Dead,” “Army Confirms 12 Dead at Fort Hood,” “13 Killed at Columbine High School,” and “Virginia Tech Shooting Leaves 33 Dead.” And I don’t believe the solution to those shootings—and many others that go unreported—is for Americans to buy more guns. No, I sincerely believe America needs to impose severe restrictions on guns, especially handguns and assault rifles. And by severe restrictions, I mean shit-can the Second Amendment and start confiscating guns and melting them into scrap.
America, land of the orange.
I know that’s an extremely controversial idea because the American identity is so wrapped up in gun ownership. Historically, Americans equate guns with freedom, as people also do in impoverished, war-torn countries like Afghanistan, Nigeria, Serbia, Bosnia, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and Somalia. That’s one reason why we buy millions of them every year and now own an estimated 270 million guns, enough to arm almost every man, woman and children in the country.
But we’re not war-torn or impoverished. We’re way past the days when we were a loose-knit group of patriotic revolutionaries at war with England. America simply doesn’t need 270 million guns, not anymore than it needs a stockpile of nuclear weapons large enough to blow the world into oblivion a couple of dozen times over. And that’s why I believe it’s time for America to set aside the paranoia and fear that seems to underlie gun ownership, grow up and join the rest of the civilized world, where gun ownership is severely restricted.
I realize that many, if not most, Americans strongly believe that if the government takes away our right to own guns, we’ll lose our other freedoms (whatever those are), too. But it’s simply not the case in England, France, Germany, Canada, Australia and countless other countries where guns are rarely used by anybody who’s not employed by the police or the military. I’ve lived in Europe, and people there don’t seem any less free or less happy than Americans. In fact, they often seem happier and more carefree than us, possibly because they’re always on vacation or getting free medical care. Or perhaps it’s because they rarely have to worry about getting their heads blown off while they’re out in public.
By contrast, here in the U.S., the National Rifle Association says more than 1 million Americans have died in firearm suicides, homicides, and unintentional injuries since 1960. Others believe the number’s actually much higher. Regardless, it’s high enough. It’s about as many battlefield deaths as we suffered in World War I, or in the Civil War and World War II combined. And it’s disturbing to me that we hold solemn ceremonies and erect grand monuments honoring the brave soldiers who defend our country fighting on foreign shores, but practically ignore the wanton slaughter that takes place daily within our own borders.
Did you notice that guns killed more than 30,000 Americans in 2006 alone?
I didn’t, and I think that’s sad. It’s even sadder when you realize that in that same year, less than 1,000 people were killed by guns in England, Wales, Australia, Canada, Austria, Germany and Spain combined.
Well, have you?
I understand that many Americans like guns. Mechanically, they’re fascinating tools. Psychologically, they’re fun and empowering. I’m an NRA marksman myself, and I once killed so many squirrels in row with a pistol, my friends dubbed me “Murderous Mike,” not only because I’m an excellent shot, but because as the furry body count rose and I marched on unfazed, I seemed increasingly cold-blooded and callous even to my experienced hunting buddies.
So I get guns.
But I also get that guns do us far more harm than good. And that’s why I can’t get this thought out of my head: We need to work together to rid this country of guns.
It will take time to see the benefits of such drastic action, of course.
If we ban handguns and assault rifles, for example, then for a time—perhaps a decade or two—the only people who will have them will be cops, soldiers and criminals. And that will be frightening because we’ll have to trust the good guys to take care of the bad guys for us, as they almost always do. But after a while, gun violence will begin to fade away and become a problem of the past.
And then we’ll finally all be free to think about other things beside mayhem and violence.
Like oranges.
Oranges are good.
Wait.
I’m still considering orange.
I’ll get back with you.
Maybe.
Orange.
Orrrrr-aaaannge.
Interesting.
Let me know what you decide.
So you’re an orange nut, not a gun nut? Okay, that’s more appealing (tee, hee). Sorry that I misunderstood. You see I’ve heard similar conversations when people WEREN’T being funny. Whenever I hear people talk about the right to bear arms I get a mental image of Charlton Heston waving a rifle over his head screaming “from my cold, dead hands”. And my eyes kinda roll back into my head. I’d like to have seen the news item back in the day: “Grave robbers pry rifle from Heston’s cold, dead hands.”
Chuck was the bestus, funnest NRA spokesman ever. I disagreed with him, but I liked him. He had style.
As a writer, I learned a valuable lesson from these posts: It’s one thing to be a standup comedian who pretends to be one thing when he’s really another (like Stephen Colbert), and quite another thing to do it with the written word. I truly failed to do what I set out to do. But I like the concept, and would like to refine it.
Okay, I get your point. I, too, want a safer America. So, while we a ridding this country of guns, let’s also get rid of the automobiles that are responsible for nearly 40,000 deaths in 2008.
Orange.
You raise a good point, MadMadMargo.
Cars are very dangerous, and the reason they’re responsible for so many deaths is because almost everybody drives and accidents happen. Similar things could be said about guns. But here’s the thing: In America, driving is a heavily regulated privilege, not a right. I know almost nobody will agree with me (and I respect that), but I’m arguing that we ought to treat guns in the same way, and for the same reason: They’re inherently dangerous, and not everybody should have one.
This is the reasoning Canadians and Europeans have applied to gun control, and I believe it could work here, too. I think it’s fantastic that England, for example, is so civilized that cops don’t even bother to wear guns. If there’s an incident, as there sometimes is, they unlock the gun cases and go to work just like our policeman. I like America, but I wish it could be more like that. Arguably, we need cars. But arguably, we don’t need guns.
Also, I think there’s a big difference between cars and guns when it comes to intent. Although cars can be used as weapons, guns are designed almost exclusively to be used as weapons. And almost all car-related deaths and injuries are the result of accidents. You rarely hear about intentional car killings, and even somebody who does use their car as a weapon is unlikely to succeed in killing 20 to 40 people, as many shooters do.
To me, the bottom line is we tolerate and even welcome the regulation of many consumer goods that are potentially dangerous, from toaster ovens and curling irons to gas-fired heaters and cars. I believe we ought treat guns even more strictly than we do now.
Wow, this discussion is rather serious for a humor blog, isn’t it? Sorry. I got a bug up my butt because of the Fort Hood thing followed by the shootings of those four cops in Tacoma. I feel really bad for the families, especially at this time of year.
While I can respect and understand your opinion on the guns, I would have to disagree. I don’t own one now, but I will again. There is a major difference in owning a gun and actually understanding the responsibility in owning a gun. Most people don’t get that.
As for the comment about car regulations being strict in America, I call bullshit on that one. How many people are out there driving with 10 or more DUI’s, yet never get jail time, enough time, or simply a “suspended” sentence. I’d do three strikes you’re out. You not only lose your license for life, but any vehicle you were driving when you got that last DUI.
Simply my opinion, but isn’t it nice we live somewhere we can all agree to disagree??
As for this discussion not being on the extreme funny side, hey even us funny people have serious thoughts once in a while..great job Mike..
Now go get me an orange, I’ve got a big hankering for one.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Nipsy. You’re right, of course, most people don’t take their responsibilities very seriously, whether it’s with guns or cars or even their children. Or, as you’ve learned, with how they treat hotels and hotel staff. (Folks, if you haven’t read Nipsy’s series of posts on her experience working at the “Horror Hotel,” you should. But wait until your stomach’s good and settled.)
And oranges it is, all around, on me!
I got the joke. Just so you know.
I always go back and forth on this. The argument that stumps me every time is this: If you ban guns, then the only people who will have them are the bad guys.
Reminds me of prohibition, when making alcohol illegal only made things much worse.
So, while I feel very strongly that there are far more negatives to gun ownerships than there are positives…I’m not sure that there’s a good answer for either argument.
You’re probably right. I guess I’m just tired of reading the headlines, and seeing the grieving kids and mothers and brothers and sisters on TV. I wish it could be different.
Ah….I see. Now I get it. I drink the orange juice every morning.
Americans want guns. They will get them legally or illegally. The black market is what scares me.
Orange out.
That’s not like drinking the Kool-Aid is it? I hope not. If it is, let me know, and I’ll send somebody over right away to make sure you’re OK.
And you’re totally correct about Americans wanting guns. I can whine and argue all I want, but that’s the crux of the problem. We love guns like we love cars and big-screen TVs. Until we decide as a people to be different than we are now — to let go of our fear and our anger — the gun problem (and it is a problem no matter what your politics are) won’t go away no matter what legislation we pass. We’re not there yet, and won’t be in my lifetime. I just needed to say what I needed to say.
Michael Moore famously said that America had a “gun culture.” I’m no fan of his, but I think in this case he got it half right. America loves guns, but it is in no way a gun culture.
Consider the difference between societies that have an “alcohol culture” and those that just drink. In France they drink about 15 litres of alcohol per capita per year. In America that figure is closer to 8 litres. Yet despite the fact that Americans drink less alcohol, there is more alcoholism. Why? Because France has a true “alcohol culture.”
According to Blum & Blum (“A Cultural Case Study”)”[i]n those cultures where drinking is integrated into religious rites and social customs, where the place and manner of consumption are regulated by tradition and where, moreover, self-control, sociability, and `knowing how to hold one’s liquor’ are matters of manly pride, alcoholism problems are at a minimum.” Likewise, Calahan and Room (Problem Drinking among American Men)noted that “the groups with the lowest incidence of alcohol abuse, the Jews and Italians, have (a) the lowest abstinence rates among these groups, and (b) (especially the Italians) the highest consumption rates.”
If America truly had a “gun culture” then its children would be taught from youth how to handle weapons with respect. Much of the attraction of guns for gangs is the idea of owning a weapon others don’t have. If everyone had a gun, where would the joy of being a gang member come from?
As it stands, however, as much as America loves its guns, it has no true gun culture to go with it, in the same way that North America loves its alcohol, but has no alcohol culture to temper the effects. (I am, of course, simplifying.) If America wants to keep its guns, I think they should work towards creating a true gun culture: teach it in schools, starting perhaps from kindergarten, or at least in the elementary grades.
If not, then the safest choice is to get rid of them. As Mike has pointed out, in one year more people are killed by guns in America than are killed in many other countries combined — where those other countries have heavy restrictions on gun use.
In Dead Again, Robin Williams says, “Someone is either a smoker or a non-smoker, there’s no in-between. The trick is to find out which one you are and be that.” I think the same is true with guns. If you’re a gun culture, then be a gun culture. If you’re not, then ditch the guns.
As for me? I’m a smoker.
Frankly, Frank, after that incredibly thoughtful analysis, which is most unusual and must have required at least one full pack of cigarettes, I feel an almost desperate need for a drink, or perhaps 10 — an urge you may be able to relate to because you’re apparently not French or even French Canadian. You never fail to amaze me, my friend.
Respect.
P.S. — Just to be clear, and I’m striving for clarity following my disastrous week as a writer, are you a smoker who also owns a gun and promotes the gun culture? Or just a smoker?
Actually, I didn’t even get to smoke a single cigarette through that comment since I was sitting in class while my students did an English exam.
And I’m a smoker who wants a gun if everyone else has one, but since nobody I know owns so much as an air rifle, I’m just a smoker.
You’re a smoker, you’re a joker, you’re a midnight toker.
Only midnight!?
Mike, I had this really long comment (again) and because it took so long to write, and read everyone else’s comments the captcha code timed out. Damn.
I basically said that I disagree with you but respectfully so and I got the joke but was mistaken about your position.
I also agree with Frank but thought it didn’t go far enough. The problem is how we are raising our American kids. I went into great detail but don’t have the time to replicate it since we are having a six year old girl problem and my night is pretty much shot because of it. Which is why I will never hold political office or become successful in anything I try to accomplish.
Say no more. I have four kids myself and I’d say kids are probably the biggest impediment to success there is. I’ve consistently noticed that most people who are rich and famous treat their wives (or, in rare cases, husbands) more like nannies/sex surrogates than spouses, and pretty much ignore their kids entirely. And then they’re surprised when their kids start shooting up — with a needle or a gun.
P.S. — Sorry about the captcha thingy. I got rid of it for a while, but the Russians kept sending me offers for Viagra and naked mail-order brides, and I got sick of them. The Russians, I mean. I’m all for Viagra and naked women.
P.P.S. — And thanks for not hating me for my views on this subject. I hate being hated by people who own, or would be willing to own, guns.
Thoughts:
1) I prefer tangerines.
2) For some reason I’m excited that you used the word “perseverate”.
3) I read this post last (and the others first), so for the longest time I had no clue what side you were on. I was getting really disheartened there for awhile. Even now, the paranoid chipmunk in my armpit is whispering “But what if THIS post is the joke and the OTHERS were the serious ones? He’ll come shoot you in your sleep tonight, right in the middle of that dream about maraschino cherries and Johnny Depp…”
4) Chocolate covered candied orange peel is really good.
5) Gun violence annoys me too.
6) Did you eat the squirrels you killed? Please tell me you ate them.
7) Now I’m craving orange sherbet.
8) And Chex Mix. Apparently mind games give me the munchies.
Thoughts in response:
1)Perseverate sounds really dirty, doesn’t it? It can be, too.
2)You also had that dream about maraschino cherries and Johnny Depp? In your dream, did he perseve…..oh, never mind.
3)I let those stinking squirrels rot where they lay. Later, of course, I paid for it karmically when a squirrel ate a hole through the wall of my kitchen, destroying my dishwasher hose in the process, and then proceeded to run all over the house peeing and screaming until it found a way outside. I had to hire exterminators.
Squirrel karma.
It’ll getcha every time.
Also my favorite musical group in the late 1980s and early 1990s.
If you were really hip to today’s trends, you would have known to use CLEMENTINES instead of oranges, and always out of stock at the grocery store, since they’re all the rage, but then again you can’t say “Clementine you glad I didn’t say gun?” — unless you were really dorky or one of your readers was actually named Clementine and you had bad grammar. (Although you ARE kind of dorky sometimes and there HAS to be someone out there, somewhere, named Clementine.)
Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m glad I’m not the only one who didn’t get it after the first post. I, too, have read rants from gun nuts similar to your anti-gun rant. Orange you glad I prefer yours?
Oops, that didn’t make sense about the grocery store. I pressed “submit” too soon. Should have said “since they’re all the rage, and always out of stock at the grocery store”
Now who’s the dork?
Writers who make mistakes like that should be shot.
Clementine!
Did I claim to be hip to today’s trends? No, I did not. I am really dorky, and I could say, “Clementine you glad I didn’t say gun?,” and nobody would think twice about it. They’d just say, “What was that dork yapping about? Somebody ought to shoot that guy and put him out of his misery. And ours.”
YO YO YO
Good blog and great conversation. Here is where I am torn. I am not a hunter but I DO think Americans should be able to hunt and eat their food in regulated areas if they can. But I also grew up in philadelphia when it was called Killadelphia and it was mostly ALL from gun firing. Now, it may of stemmed from inner-city drugs and gangs and that is a whole different issue. But the bottomline is poor minorities (and whites) slug it out by guns which means many times cops and bystanders get killed. So, stricter gun laws could make it much harder for gangs and even the street corner dealer to get guns. its absolutely crazy how easy it is to get a gun during those gun shows. So i am kind of torn on it but I do think as generations will pass, more people realize the guns do more harm then good. But, if civil anarchy does break out – all bets are off. I am getting me a gun.
I hear you, Walt. And, full disclosure, I’m restoring a Sherman tank in my back yard just in case anarchy breaks out. If it hasn’t already broken out, that is.
Seriously, I am encouraged by the high level of this conversation. I half expected some crazy NRA militia guy to write in and threaten to shoot me in the Bible belt. So far, no haters, though. I’m actually amazed.
Killadelphia. LOL!
Sorry I misunderstood your stance on gun control. Now that I do, I must disagree. With all due respect, of course. Not that I’m a gun toting fanatic. I simply feel that we should all have the right to protect ourselves and our families from those who would do us harm. Consider the people whose lives would have been saved if just one (law-abiding) person on one of those college campuses had been carrying a gun and could have taken the shooter out before he finished his rampage.
In a perfect world, where everyone obeys the law, banning guns would be great. However, the criminals and gangs and psychos will have their guns, whether there is a law against it or not.
Anyway, that’s just my opinion. And I still enjoyed your posts, even though I misunderstood your intentions. (That happens to all writers at one point or another. Don’t sweat it.)
Oh, and I love oranges…and nectarines.
Now I have this image of you crouched down behind your kitchen window with a deer rifle taking aim at the crazies who are trying to steal your Mustang.
It’s sort of hot.
Orange!
Yeah, all while eating a nectarine and saying “Look Ma! No fuzz.”
Dude, are you serious? People didn’t get it? I thought the series was hilarious.
Not everybody, anyway. I think I could’ve done a better job. But thanks.
Guns don’t kill people; people kill people.
I am not real passionate either way; I do not own a gun and have no desire to.
But, I just realized that my Christmas greeting card coincided with these posts. It was totally unintentional.
I got the card and liked it because I love Santa and anyone who wants to take out Santa deserves to be shot first…you know, so he can’t shoot Santa…it was self-defense, really.
I kind of skimmed over your gun posts because, like I said, I am not passionate either way.
I believe guns kill people like frying pans can kill people (if you use them for that) and cars can kill people; basically, people kill people.
But I did get what you were saying, so quit being so hard on yourself.
I loved your Christmas card, but I have a very dark sense of humor, so maybe others wouldn’t.
Curiously, frying pans can both kill and save people if they’re used correctly, and they’re also useful for making eggs and pancakes. In fact, I’d say that makes them one of the most versatile household items on the planet. (I sense a post here.)
Also, I’m not feeling sorry myself — not more than normal, anyway — just realizing that it’s harder than I thought to write that sort of comedy. Even I’m not perfect.
Geesh, awesome responses! I’m pretty much with you on this one. The only thing is bad guys are going to get guns. That’s just a fact. So, how do the good guys protect themselves. And no, I don’t own and gun and yes, I love oranges.
P.S. Liked the quote from Cool Hand Luke
Well, my theory is that the good guys can protect themselves with cops and soldiers. That’s how they do it in England, anyway. Or, we could just always make sure to have oranges around to throw at the bad guys. Bad guys hate oranges.
Thanks for the advice!
I ran right out and bought an orange gun.
Maybe I’ve missed the point.
Yes.
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Hi Mike, Indigo here. I’m not sure how I happened on this entry first, but there it is. Simply said, I agree. I live in England, and with the exception of airports, I never see a gun. I’ve never held one, let alone fired at anything. I like it that way. Hats off to you. Indigo