Poor People Can Be So Damn Rude

If you lose your job and get shit-faced, try not to get so angry that you set your neighbor's Gremlin on fire.

People are always asking me, “Mike, what would you do if you were rich?”

To which I usually respond, “What makes you think I’m not rich?”

To which they often say, “Your broken-down house, piece-of-shit car, and the cheap-ass clothes you buy off the 80-percent-discount rack at Kohl’s.”

To which I say, “Fuck off, cocksucker.”

Gutter talk like that is not a good way to make or keep friends—especially polite rich friends, of course. I’d much prefer to blast those daft pricks with a gentlemanly string of twenty-dollar words instead. But I can’t afford twenty-dollar words. I’m not rich. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be.

I wouldn’t mind being rich, though.

Wise men—or maybe it’s the ruling class pretending to be wise men so they can continue skull-fucking the bourgeois and proletariat classes—often point out that money can’t buy happiness. I agree with that in principal, but I still believe that unhappy rich people are happier than unhappy poor people, and I’d rather be unhappy and rich than unhappy and poor any day.

The way I see it, you’re automatically better off if you’re rich and something bad happens. Let’s say your car breaks down on the way to work, for example. Yes, for a few minutes, you’re just as miserable about it as somebody who’s poor. But you handle your sadness differently.

A poor guy misses work, gets fired and uses what little cash he has left in his wallet to get shitfaced that night because his life is ruined. If things go really bad, and they often do, he gets into a fistfight with his equally shitfaced brother and they both end up in jail with a fat guy wearing bright red stiletto heels and a black-sequined party dress.

A rich dude uses a sick day to go out and buy a new car. Unhappily, sure, because a decent Bentley can run him up to $280,000 and nobody likes to throw good money away on a set of new wheels if he doesn’t have to.

But at least he can get to work the next day. Or maybe a week or two after that, depending on when he’s scheduled to take that luxury cruise of the French Riviera with his wife and her Tibetan Mastiffs.

Poor people like this migrant worker and her children are yucky. Better to be rich and avoid them.

There are some things rich people can’t totally avoid, though.

Poor people, for instance.

Consider the case of the social-networking website called www.asmallworld.net. It was started in 2004 by Swedish Count Erik Wachtmeister to help well-heeled people meet other well-heeled people who desire to live a lavish lifestyle. Got a million-dollar Bugatti Veyron to sell? You can do it in the site’s classified ads. Need to find the best skiing in Gstaad? Look no further. 

But you can only join the site if you’re invited by another member, and only certain members are given that privilege.

“This community is characterized by inter-connected, well-travelled, interesting, educated, and accomplished people who tend to seek each other out for company and as a resource for trusted information,” Wachtmeister says.

In other words, you’re not invited, douchbag.

Neither are the hairy butt-cracks you call friends.

But some members of asmallworld.net are unhappy because the site has been infiltrated by poor people who lied about their wealth, as good-for-nothing poor people are prone to do when they have too much free time on their hands. Like when a guy’s sitting in jail with nothing to do but surf the Internet while he awaits trial for getting drunk, punching his brother in the face and using lighter fluid to set his neighbor’s 1977 Gremlin on fire.

“In the real world, we are each discerning about who we make friends with,” member Eva Morin complained in a post on the site. “There is no reason why, when we come online, we should have to socialize with truck drivers from hick parts of the U.S.A.”

Here, here, Eva!

I don’t like America’s hick parts, either.

Cover them up, Uncle Sam. And please stop scratching them in public, you perv.


Who wants to hang out with sweaty, foul-mouthed truck drivers from Wal-Mart—even online—when you could direct your manservant to buy you everything in a Wal-Mart with the bankroll you keep tucked in your Gucci handbag if you wanted to?

No wonder rich people like being rich.

No wonder I’d like to be rich.

But I’m not.

Probably never will be.

Don’t bother me about it, though. Because if you do, I might tell you to fuck off.

Poor people are like that.

Rude motherfuckers.

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36 thoughts on “Poor People Can Be So Damn Rude

  1. And here I thought you were an inter-connected, well-travelled, interesting, educated, and accomplished person. Now how am I supposed to get invited to join?

    • Uhmmm, yes, I am. I’m just pretending to be poor so that I can identify with the common man. Or woman. Anyway, no worries, you’re in! 😉

  2. (using best southern drawl)

    Well….I NEVAH! Such language! 😉

    (back to normal southern drawl)

    It’s funny how the perspective on “rich” changes. Anyone better off (or seemingly better off) than you is “rich”.

    People are clueless.

    • True. All Americans are basically rich. Even the poor ones are far better off than the poorest of the world’s poor. And please excuse the language, ma’am. It was most impolite of me.

    • It would be fun, wouldn’t it? What I’m waiting for is the day when Wal-Mart is supplanted by another retailer who’s even cheaper. It’ll be fun to watch Wal-Mart crumble under their pressure, much as K-Mart and Target have crumbled under its pressure.

      Not that I don’t like Wal-Mart, of course.

    • Of course I’m rich. I’m an American. Americans are the fucking king dogs of the economic universe. We could buy Finland just to give it to the Russians on February 23rd to celebrate Defenders of the Fatherland Day and still have money left over for Norway, Denmark, Sweden and a fleet of Bentleys. I was just trying to identify with the commoners who clean my house and serve my meals. I don’t want them getting uppity.

      • I don’t know if I should be relieved that you’re rich and not filthy and poor, or if I should be really worried about your plans for Scandinavia…

      • For your info, you are not a pure race or a native american.. Get over.. This is 2010. And you don`t have to be a poor person to be cruel..It is only in the ignorance of your mind!! Do you feel an ignorante ?. That`s you problem !

  3. Boy are you right about the difference between a bad day for a rich person and a bad day for a poor person. Actually, I noticed some years ago that there is a difference in the nature of excuses between the poor and the well-off. When a poor person is late, or misses an appointment, the excuse almost invariably involves a tale of woe and deprivation. When a well-off person is late, or misses an appointment, the excuse almost invariably involves a tale of interesting and amusing events.

    Makes sense, on the face of it: the poor person is more likely to be inconvenienced by bad things than someone with more money, right? Sure. But even when poor people are late because of an interesting and amusing event, they will still give an excuse involving woe and deprivation. And likewise, even when well-off people are late (or whatever) because of woe and deprivation, they will still give an excuse that involves interesting and amusing events.

    It’s like these things (woe and deprivation or interesting and amusing events) become an integral part of our nature or something.

    Plus — I didn’t know you’d need lighter fluid to start a Gremlin on fire. I thought they came with a self-igniter.

    • Rich people seem to have an inner self confidence–or perhaps it’s a fundamental lack of conscience–that makes them feel entitled to be a winner in any situation. Poor people seem to always feel like losers no matter what. Which comes first, a feeling of entitlement and wealth or a sad-sack attitude and poverty, has never been clear to me, which is probably another reason why I’m not rich.

  4. Bah ha ha! I live vicariously through the rich people I know. In fact, I am having tea with one of them this very afternoon. She owns two homes, one enormous one in Tacoma and a second in Seattle. I loved housesitting for them when I was younger because she let me wear her clothes. And their daughter is graduating from Brown in a few weeks. So smart rich people. I pretend I am one of them and so far this denial is working.

    • It’s fun to hang out with rich people, isn’t it? And they know it, too. They feel you’re lucky to be with them, wearing their clothes, eating their food and benefitting from their superior insights and intelligence. It’s a mutually dysfunctional relationship–one I’m happy to have, especially if there’s shrimp at the buffet.

  5. No matter how poor we are there is always someone who has less and no matter how rich we are, someone always has more so there’s no way to win. Not that it’s a contest or anything, I’m just saying…

    If I ever get rich I’m buying my very own internet and I’m not letting that Eva Morin snot have access to it. pffft! It’ll just be for sweaty truck drivers and wal-mart people.

    • I like the idea of being able to buy your very own Internet. Maybe that’d shut Comcast up. You wouldn’t believe what I pay those guys every month to be able to use something that ought to be free.

  6. I’m not sure which is better and i want to make an informed decision on this important point. Would everyone send me lots of money please? Then I’ll get a new car and pay off my bills and I’ll let you know which is better.

    By the way, proletariat is not even a fun word to say.

    • No begging!

      Unless you cut me in, of course!

      And you’re right, proletariat is a tough word. That’s why I prefer “scum” or “rabble.”

  7. That was awesome on a number of levels. First and foremost, the term “daft pricks” which is only a one-letter switch from the term “draft picks”. I’d love to hear Roger Goodell slip up and say, “The Indianapolis Colts have traded Peyton Manning to the New York Jets for Darrell Revis and two daft pricks.”

    And I loved the “rich guy vs. poor guy handing car trouble” scenario. Brilliant.

    • I was wondering if some jock would notice the daft prick-draft pick thing. Pretty funny, and it would be a good gaff, wouldn’t it?

      Thanks, Knuck! Your latest post is awesome, by the way. Check it out folks…..

    • I wouldn’t join a club that would have me as a member. I think Cy Sperling said that. He’s the president of The Hair Club for Men.

  8. I am somewhere in-between the means. I am not poor, but i share his money concerns after my car breaks down. But I do lease so the warranty covers it. I do however never have enough and have to save, so that sucks. But It would be nice to be very rich and tell other rich people to Fuck off! I think it’s safe to assume VERY rich people don’t spend a lot of time on kickass blogs such as this. Their lost (I think)…

    KD from Waltsense

    • I think you’re right about rich people and blogs in general, KD. What do they care about our petty lives? I barely care about my own petty life. That’s another reason why it would be good to be rich. You could stop worrying about little things. And little people.

  9. Just came across this ones and I couldn’t agree more. Poor people are such downers. There’s a new study out today that shows money does buy happiness. Or at least up to the first $75,000, then it kind of levels off and if you were a miserable prick before, you’re still miserable, but with more toys.

    • Thanks, Jayne. I always liked this column, despite the rude language and obvious hostility.

      I’ll have to look up that study. $75,000 is hardly rich, but I’ll bet a lot of people would love to have, even if they were still miserable pricks.

  10. My favorite part of this article was that beautiful cat picture. Although the article certainly says it like it is.

    • I’m both grateful to receive such a nice comment, and deeply offended that it’s the cat — not mine, btw — that you liked so much.

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