When I was cleaning the kitchen tonight, I had an excellent idea for a best-selling coffee-table book that I called 101 Fun & Useful Things to Do With Eggshells.
This idea came to me in a flash, all at once.
I was tossing about a dozen cracked eggshells into the garbage when I thought, “Gee, eggshells seem like a lot of work for chickens to make. It’s too bad they can’t be re-used.” And then, Wham!, the book idea hit me in the head like a coffee-table book—a heavy coffee-table book accidentally lobbed at you by your best friend’s wife, who’s a little drunk on rum and cokes, and more than a little pissed off because your best friend keeps leering at Kate Walsh, the sexy redhead who plays the sexy Dr. Addison Montgomery in “Private Practice” and the sexy Escalade driver in Cadillac commercials.
I should pause here for a moment to share some earnest, hard-earned advice with husbands and boyfriends everywhere: Quick, admiring looks at sexy redheads are one thing, but leering at sexy redheads while repeatedly saying, “I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers,” is another thing entirely, and not advisable in front of your wife or girlfriend, especially if your wife or girlfriend didn’t have time to take a shower or wash her hair that morning, and is feeling less than pretty, and has been drinking rum and cokes for about three hours, and has a large coffee-table book available to throw at you, or, because she’s tipsy and feeling dizzy in addition to grungy, your best friend.
Anyway, once I got the smoking-hot idea for my eggshell book, I immediately started cataloging my list of 101 fun and useful things to do with eggshells. Three ideas came to me instantly: painting them, coloring them and recycling them in the compost pile. Then my speeding brain hit a brick wall—probably the very same brick wall that Humpty Dumpty fell off when he cracked his eggshell body and created a lot of uncompensated make-work for all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, who couldn’t put him back together again and probably didn’t try all that hard in the first place because, hey, who really cares about eggshells? Busted eggshells are a dime a dozen. Actually, not even a dime. That’s why people throw them away.
Suddenly, my book idea didn’t seem so hot. You can’t write a book called Three Fun & Useful Things to Do With Eggshells because nobody will buy it.
Well, almost nobody.
There’s always some crazy lunatic out there who will think you’re an artistic genius even if you’re an idiot and happily shell out $25 for a coffee-table book featuring page-after-page of Easter eggs and compost piles, or Easter eggs in compost piles, or compost piles inside giant Easter eggs. They’ll probably even ask you to sign it, which you can do, although I don’t recommend going out for a slice peach pie with them afterward because they might unexpectedly “go off their meds” and jab a fork into your neck while you’re absentmindedly staring out the window, sullenly wondering how it was that you came to be the author of a coffee-table book about three fun and useful things to do with eggshells when you really wanted to be a serious historical novelist, or maybe a race car driver.
Naturally, it dawned on me that I could easily come up with 98 more ideas by Googling phrases like “things to do with eggshells,” or “how to re-use eggshells,” or “recycling eggshells.”
And I did.
And I was truly surprised to learn how many fun and useful things you can do with eggshells.
But by then, my enthusiasm for the book project had waned, and I decided to take a nap.