101 Fun & Useful Things To Do With Eggshells

One of the fun and useful things you can do with eggshells is to paint them for Easter.

When I was cleaning the kitchen tonight, I had an excellent idea for a best-selling coffee-table book that I called 101 Fun & Useful Things to Do With Eggshells.

This idea came to me in a flash, all at once.

I was tossing about a dozen cracked eggshells into the garbage when I thought, “Gee, eggshells seem like a lot of work for chickens to make. It’s too bad they can’t be re-used.” And then, Wham!, the book idea hit me in the head like a coffee-table book—a heavy coffee-table book accidentally lobbed at you by your best friend’s wife, who’s a little drunk on rum and cokes, and more than a little pissed off because your best friend keeps leering at Kate Walsh, the sexy redhead who plays the sexy Dr. Addison Montgomery in “Private Practice” and the sexy Escalade driver in Cadillac commercials.

I should pause here for a moment to share some earnest, hard-earned advice with husbands and boyfriends everywhere: Quick, admiring looks at sexy redheads are one thing, but leering at sexy redheads while repeatedly saying, “I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers,” is another thing entirely, and not advisable in front of your wife or girlfriend, especially if your wife or girlfriend didn’t have time to take a shower or wash her hair that morning, and is feeling less than pretty, and has been drinking rum and cokes for about three hours, and has a large coffee-table book available to throw at you, or, because she’s tipsy and feeling dizzy in addition to grungy, your best friend.

Anyway, once I got the smoking-hot idea for my eggshell book, I immediately started cataloging my list of 101 fun and useful things to do with eggshells. Three ideas came to me instantly: painting them, coloring them and recycling them in the compost pile. Then my speeding brain hit a brick wall—probably the very same brick wall that Humpty Dumpty fell off when he cracked his eggshell body and created a lot of uncompensated make-work for all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, who couldn’t put him back together again and probably didn’t try all that hard in the first place because, hey, who really cares about eggshells? Busted eggshells are a dime a dozen. Actually, not even a dime. That’s why people throw them away.

This is actress Kate Walsh. Just for the record, I'd like to point out that I would throw her out of bed for eating crackers.

Suddenly, my book idea didn’t seem so hot. You can’t write a book called Three Fun & Useful Things to Do With Eggshells because nobody will buy it.

Well, almost nobody.

There’s always some crazy lunatic out there who will think you’re an artistic genius even if you’re an idiot and happily shell out $25 for a coffee-table book featuring page-after-page of Easter eggs and compost piles, or Easter eggs in compost piles, or compost piles inside giant Easter eggs. They’ll probably even ask you to sign it, which you can do, although I don’t recommend going out for a slice peach pie with them afterward because they might unexpectedly “go off their meds” and jab a fork into your neck while you’re absentmindedly staring out the window, sullenly wondering how it was that you came to be the author of a coffee-table book about three fun and useful things to do with eggshells when you really wanted to be a serious historical novelist, or maybe a race car driver.

Naturally, it dawned on me that I could easily come up with 98 more ideas by Googling phrases like “things to do with eggshells,” or “how to re-use eggshells,” or “recycling eggshells.”

And I did.

And I was truly surprised to learn how many fun and useful things you can do with eggshells.

But by then, my enthusiasm for the book project had waned, and I decided to take a nap.

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144 thoughts on “101 Fun & Useful Things To Do With Eggshells

  1. I think it would be more fun to make up whack shit you can do with eggshells and have people believe you are serious…

    Crush eggshells into a paste and apply each night to your face. Watch as they magically erase your wrinkles in no time.

    Putting shells from a raw egg into your vagina before sex is an effective and economical form of birth control.

    Adding an eggshell or two after you fill up your gas tank will make subsequent trips to the gas station further apart.

    Okay…well, maybe not.

    Still up in the air about whether I’d “shell” out $25 for your coffee table book about eggs, tho…unless you personally signed it.

    • That first idea about putting eggshells on your face? Actually true, according to the Internet.

      That second idea? I’m guessing it’s your Ambien talking again. And ouch.

      The third idea? Could work because it’d probably kill your car and force you to ride the bus.

      Thank you for being willing to even consider buying my stupid coffee-table book. I don’t think my autograph is worth anything, though. Unless you’re a banker and I’m borrowing some money from you.

      • Damn…I was figuring that first one was probably tried a few times…the paste probably soaks into the lines and makes them appear filled in.

        I think shoving sharp eggshells in your lady bits would probably be efficient enough to make sex too painful…therefore less chance of pregnancy.

        And you got the last one. ;)

        • Maybe it’s where the expression “I’ve got egg on my face” comes from.

          Oh, and ouch again. Seriously, I’m getting that weird tingly feeling I get whenever I see somebody get kicked in the nuts or try to drive their bike down a rocky cliff.

  2. Now I want a Cadillac Escalade.

    If only to impress Kate Walsh.

    Sure, it’s a long shot that I’ll impress her. I mean, if Jodie Foster wasn’t impressed with an assassination attempt, what chance do I have of impressing Kate Walsh by buying an Escalade?

    And how will I pay for that Escalade?

    Maybe from royalties from a coffee table book that has not a thing to do with egg shells.

  3. I would throw a large coffee-table book at you if you threw Kate Walsh our of my bed for eating crackers. I would even buy your coffee-table book to do it with.

  4. Well, if you need extra egg shells call farmer Dan. He’s now raising 3 chickens… in his attempt to be PC? (nope) Green (never)… perhaps a midlife crisis…. 3 chics in the nest are better than 3 in the bed :) Anyway, if you need eggs to practice your mad decorating skills on and photo shoot for your new instant best seller book you might try giving the old boy a shout.

    • I would’ve guessed that Dan was raising chickens. Next it’ll be turkeys and then cows. Then you guys can pose for your own version of American Gothic.

  5. We are firm composting family. So you know where our eggs shells go. But I had another thought of what to do with egg shells.

    Create mosaics!

    Uh-huh. I know, brilliant.

    You’re welcome.

  6. “I should pause here for a moment to share some earnest, hard-earned advice with husbands and boyfriends everywhere: Quick, admiring looks at sexy redheads are one thing, but leering at sexy redheads while repeatedly saying, “I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers,” is another thing entirely, and not advisable in front of your wife or girlfriend, especially if your wife or girlfriend didn’t have time to take a shower or wash her hair that morning, and is feeling less than pretty, and has been drinking rum and cokes for about three hours, and has a large coffee-table book available to throw at you, or, because she’s tipsy and feeling dizzy in addition to grungy, your best friend.”

    Whoa! Forget the run-on sentence, I think you just invented the para-sentence! Did somebody spike your omelette or did you accidentally double-up on your meds?

    ;-)

  7. I’m sure that I’m not the only one disappointed that you actually didn’t have a list of 101 Fun & Useful Things To Do With Eggshells when I clicked on this post. I really needed assistance in what to do with eggshells and you have been of no assistance at all, sir, although the photo of Kate Walsh was nice and much appreciated.

  8. First of all, what is wrong with crackers in bed? There’s just so much wrong with that statement that I can’t even start on it.

    Egg shells are wonderful. You can make jewelry out of them. You can steel plate them and make testicular implants for neutered male dogs out of them. (Balls of steel? Ring a bell?) You can put glitter on them and use them as pasties for the Christmas party. You can turn them into ornaments for the Christmas tree. You can make a shadow box out of them for tiny pieces of art. You can make bad children kneel on them while the repent their sins. You can put them in your campfire coffee. Egg shells are a good source of calcium so you can eat them. (I might not though.) With a little epoxy, you can cover your own teeth with white egg shells for a quick “brightening” for photos, or in the alternative, you can cover your two front teeth with brown shells for that perfect “crack addict” Halloween costume. You can walk on them to prove something. You can make a wonderful collage out of eggshells to hang in your game room. If you are a fortune teller, you can read them like tea leaves and make money. You can make a convincing fertility charm out of egg shells. You can pulverize egg shells and snort them if you can’t afford cocaine. You can also use them in your fetish bags along with the random pieces of teeth, hair, and pig parts. I could go on and on. In fact I have, haven’t I?

  9. I kicked Kate Walsh out of bed for eating crackers. Bloody crumbs everywhere. The woman has appaling eating habits.

    For the record, I grind ours up and feed them back to the hens with their corn. Keeps the shell quality high and gives me something to do with the coffee grinder.

  10. “…because they might unexpectedly “go off their meds” and jab a fork into your neck while you’re absentmindedly staring out the window, sullenly wondering how it was that you came to be the author of a coffee-table book about three fun and useful things to do with eggshells when you really wanted to be a serious historical novelist, or maybe a race car driver.”

    Sounds like the voice of experience to me.

    I think I would have thrown the entire coffee table at Jepeto if he said he WOULD kick her out of bed for eating crackers! She’s HOT!

  11. You can actually recycle eggshells, but you have to have chickens to do it — which I do. Eggshells have a lot of calcium in them and I save and crushed them up, then feed them right back to the chickens. So there. You now have four ideas for your book.

    Remember that. It could possibly come up in conversation one day. Or maybe if you go on “Jeopardy.” But then if you win you have to split the money with me.

  12. Coloring them was a good idea though. You did a great job on those ones in the picture. I’m totally impressed, but I’ve had several rum and cokes tonight.

    • I don’t want my blog back. I keep trying to give it away because it sucks. The comments are better than the posts in most cases.

  13. How To Make Lemon Eggshell Calcium Citrate

    1. Fill a wide mouth jar with 3 clean, whole, uncracked eggs.
    2. Cover the eggs with freshly squeezed lemon juice it important that the lemons are very fresh or this mixture will not work right.
    3. Clove the jar tightly and place it in the refrigerator. You should start to see bubbles forming on the eggshells. That means the eggshells are being dissolved into the lemon juice. The mixture will gradually turn white.
    4. Gently agitate the jar a few minutes about 3 times a day.
    5. As soon as the bubbling stops it is ready to take. It should not take any longer than 36-48 hours. If you leave the mixture longer it will tend to get thick and the eggs will begin to absorb more of the lemon juice, or the eggs may split and leak into the mixture. Occasionally this mixture doesn’t work when the lemons are not fresh enough.
    6. Carefully remove the eggs without breaking the membrane, and use them as you would normally, i.e. in your raw egg drink. There will not be any shell left on the egg because it has been totally dissolved into the lemon juice, which is calcium citrate.
    7. Place a tight lid on the mixture that remains after the eggs have been removed, and shake it well.
    8. Take no more than one teaspoon per day initially because it can be very powerful. Start slowly. The amount may be gradually increased over time.

    Ah fuck this. Way too much work.

    • That’s the weirdest damned thing I’ve ever heard of. I wouldn’t drink it for a million dollars. Yes I would. I’d drink the whole damn jar at once for a million dollars. I like money.

    • That is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard of. I’m going to do it just to see what happens. What does it taste like? I have two lemon trees so now I know what to use my extra lemons for. Is this stuff good for you? Will it get me high?

      • It reminds of a recipe I have for 1,000-year-old eggs, a Chinese delicacy. I’ve always wanted to try it, but they sound so potentially deadly–not to mention stinky–that I never have.

        • I’ve had those 1000 year old eggs. Tastes like chicken. But, I can also make chicken that tastes like abalone. You pound out some chicken breasts and stick em in a big jar and add clam juice to the jar to cover the chicken. You let them sit in the refrigerator for 3 or 4 days. Pull them out and pat the chicken dry. Run them through the egg and flour routine and fry them up in a little bit of butter and olive oil. Serve with lemon wedges. You will not believe it’s chicken. Now isn’t that fun?

          • It is fun, or so I imagine; I’ve never tried abalone. I have a nice abolone shell, though. It’s very pretty, and I can easily imagine that it’s contents were delicious.

  14. Okay, you CRACK me up. This post was hilarious. And thank you for providing such a useful tip to those husbands and boyfriends world wide. Now it’s time for me to take a nap, I’ll probably dream about egg-shells and coffee-table books.

  15. I read somewhere that throwing eggshells into the trash uncracked results in witches using them to ride on the ocean and sink ships. I spent many years smashing egg shells as a result of my naive child mind. One day it dawned on me that witches don’t really exist. Well, except for Christine O’Donnell who was reportedly found under the eaves of a house with her feet curled up on mid-term election day last week.

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  17. hey..this is funny “SOAPWORD” (rhymes with sit)! I agree with your comment “Quick, admiring looks at sexy redheads are one thing, but leering at sexy redheads while repeatedly saying, “I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers,” is another thing entirely, and not advisable in front of your wife or girlfriend.” Kind of like answering the stupid question of “Is she prettier than me?” Both are ROOKIE mistakes!!!!

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