This is what my neighbor's Christmas tree looked like. Bastard.
I was driving home from work after dark tonight when I spotted a beautifully lit Christmas tree framed by my neighbor’s bay window—my first Christmas tree of the holiday season.
Bah!
Humbug!
Call me Scrooge, call me Ishmael, but Christmas trees and mid-November go together like Charlie Sheen and church.
I nearly stomped on the brakes and screamed, “Hey, you fucking moron, unless your fucking name is Santa fucking Claus and you’ve got a crew of merry fucking elves building toys in that fucking shithole you call a basement, stuff your fucking tree where the sun don’t shine for another couple of weeks! It’s not even fucking Thanksgiving yet! Celebrate one holiday at a time, you fucking asshole!”
I didn’t do it, though, partly because I abhor inappropriate language, but mostly because I don’t know my neighbor. For all I know, he really is Santa Claus and there really is a gang of elves working in the basement, and that thought scares me more than I like to admit.
You never want to piss off a brood of elves. Those tiny roustabouts might seem cute in cookie commercials and animated television shows like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but most of them are practically begging to prove their manhood in a fistfight because they’re short and contractually obligated to wear girly tights and pointy green elf shoes with ruby-red bells at the tips.
Hell hath no fury like an elf with scones.
Anyway, there was a time when Americans never considered putting up Christmas trees until Christmas Eve. It was a simpler time, and some people say it was a happier time, too, although I doubt it. I don’t know how anybody can be truly happy without television. You can only sit outside on your front porch whittling and playing the banjo for so many nights in row before you go stark-raving berserk and start taking potshots at your neighbor’s kitchen windows with your Winchester. Thank God for The Mentalist and The Daily Show or I’d probably be in prison by now.
Still, I think fondly of the olden days. It’s not because I remember them, I’m not that old. But I have watched The Homecoming: A Christmas Story almost every year since sometime in the late-1980s, and it’s a movie that will make you crave the minimalist pleasures of early 20th-century rural American life like Charlie Sheen craves cocaine and crack whores.
A candy cane is a deadly weapon in the hands of an angry elf.
The movie’s plot is very basic.
The Great Depression forces patriarch John Walton to leave home to find work in the city, far away from his adorably cute, Mormon-sized family. When he fails to return home on Christmas Eve as promised, his hardscrabble wife faithfully struggles to maintain control of the household and her deep well of anger, which probably comes from living in the sticks surrounded by nothing but trees, farm animals, a flock of kids and her cranky in-laws. Eventually, she sends her eldest son, John-Boy, out into a blizzard to find Papa John, but not before John-Boy and Grandpa Walton cut down a fresh Christmas tree so the family can decorate it to celebrate the blessed birth of the baby Jesus.
A bunch of other important stuff happens before and after the tree-cutting-and-decorating incident, including a remarkably frank discussion about puberty and the local sheriff’s dramatic capture of a daring turkey thief. But I don’t want to talk about all that stuff because I want you to focus on the movie’s central theme, which is that people shouldn’t put up their Christmas trees too early.
Okay, okay! I admit the movie’s main theme doesn’t have anything to do with putting up your Christmas tree too early. The main theme has something to do with the importance of familial love and the true meaning of Christmas.
But between Oprah and Dr. Phil, I figure you’ve had it up to your ears with all that feel-good family togetherness crap, let alone the true meaning of Christmas. What nobody on television ever talks about enough in my opinion is Christmas trees and the putting up of Christmas trees too early.
Resist the urge.
Don’t do it.
Slow down a little. After the summer’s over, enjoy Halloween and then ease gently into Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving before rushing into the sweet celebrations of Christmas.
Because if you don’t, I just might drive by your house one night and throw a brick through your fucking picture window.
Yes, it is well know you abhor inappropriate language. That is one of the things that attracts your many readers to your blog. OMG your reference to television and the need for it to be happy was a scream. I am choosing to take it as sarcasm. My hubby and I have not watched television for over five years. Best decision we ever made except the one to love each other. Every day is busy and happy and it was when we worked outside jobs and also now that we no longer work. I am amazed each day how quickly we realize it is evening and time for dinner. We usually get up at 5 and we have time for the things we each pursue as well as time for things we do together. Subtract all the hours of television viewing each week and that is the amount of time we have together. No, I am not preaching. (Am I?) Just informing. We watch The Daily Show on our computers. Don’t need television for that. I am in total agreement with your viewpoint on when to put up Christmas trees and decorations. For me, sometime after Thanksgiving and the first week of December I like to have the Christmas tree up and all the little decorations arranged. The biggest reason is that it is so much work to set it all up that I want it up long enough to make it worth all that work. How is your wife by the way. Hope she is doing well.
I cringed when I wrote the offending sentences because I know that my dear, sweet mother will be reading this post. I must be such a disappointment. As for television, I’m increasingly inclined to ignore it, although I like it and wouldn’t know what to do without it. I’m actually happy it was invented, I just wish it featured better writing.
Kerry is doing much better now, thanks for asking. I suppose I should update everybody here.
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OMG! I got Tweeted twice today! I feel so sleepy…..
I don’t really know what getting tweeted is, but it sounds great!
You have no idea!
Michael, I have a lot of ideas! Now go tweet yourself!
We don’t put our Christmas tree up until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We need time to recover from stuffing our faces at dinner and the massive amounts of alcohol we drank. Black Friday is another event that leaves us no time to tree shop. Before Thanksgiving is like punching the Pilgrims in the face, respect the turkey man!
Something tells me I’d enjoy Thanksgiving at your place. A lot.
I whole-heartedly agree with this post.
I hate seeing Christmas decorations up so early. It’s ridiculous.
You sure made me snort a lot throughout this post. Especially the part about the elves. Elves with scones?
*snort*
Good one, Mike!
You should consider this post a PSA. We need it to go viral!
Now!
And for the record, I’d be happy WITHOUT a tree at all! Last year, I asked my hubbie could we just designate a present corner. I received a glare.
Oh well. I tried.
I’m sorry my post was so bad it made you snort, Quirky. Please don’t use this as an excuse to fall off the wagon again. Take it day by day and be strong. With support from your friends, and the constant threat of jail time, I believe you will make it to sobriety.
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I got Tweeted! Anybody got a cigarette?
Canadian Thanksgiving happens in October and Christmas isn’t even thought of until the Grey Cup has been played (which this occurs at around the same time as the U.S. Thanksgiving). So dress up as an elf, grab a bag of stale scones and pelt that bay window in a ‘drive-by’! That’ll learn ‘em!
Double 0- I’m beginning that is related to 007. You have a violent streak that I really like in a woman.
Double O is a woman?
Not just a woman, “Quite A Woman” from what I can gather.
Why, thank you Linda!
I know it’s probably good for the ecomony and all, but it’s the commercialization of holidays that has gotten way out of hand in the last decade. But, really, a Christmas tree waaay before Thanksgiving? Blasphemy! [Hey, BonyMike, got any extra scones?? Anyone else wanna join?]
I don’t even like scones. They are dry weird things and I fail to see the point of them. On the other hand, they work just fine as RPG’s. Nor do I understand anyone not recognizing you as a woman immediately! But then Cardiogirl does a lot of working out and it may have affected her judgment. Know what I mean?
I don’t like scones, either. And I should, because I’m half British.
Yeah, but how do you feel about “Toad in the Hole”?
I love it! Bubble and squeak, too.
The workouts do affect my judgment but I try to fake it when that happens.
I’ve been faking it off and on for years.
Me, too. Especially at work. They actually believe I care.
Oh, you betcha, Double-O’s a woman! From head to toe and everything in between.
It weirds me out that there’s a Canadian Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving seems so uniquely American. Not that foreigners can’t be thankful, I suppose.
What’s even weirder is that Americans think that American football is soooo superior to Canadian football. The CFl’s field is wider and longer, with only THREE downs. What’s with four fucking downs?? Bunch o’ pussies.
I am very well aware of Canadian football. When I was a young bride, I met a man who was a quarterback for a Canadian football team. He was black and in the US they did not have black quarterbacks in those days. He was very handsome and we kissed in the coatroom of a party and my husband walked in on us. I did the only thing a sensible woman could do at that point and fainted dead away on the coatroom floor, leaving the handsome black quarterback to explain the situation to my husband.
Linda you’re like the Kramer of these comments. You have stories coming out of your ears. I might have to buy some of your stories, like Peterman did on that episode of “Seinfeld.”
You will have stories too, when you are my age and used to be a hussy, but never a harlot. Pity, that! I could have retired young! Never mind, I did retire young.
Linda has lived her life to the fullest. I like that in a person.
I certainly have, Michael. And I like it in a person too, unless I’m married to them while they are doing it.
I hear ya. Personally, I don’t think people [or stores] should put up Christmas decorations at least until the day AFTER – Thanksgiving. As soon as I see those Christmas lights and hear that Christmas music I immediately feel the ‘holiday pressure’ and it makes me slightly panic stricken!
That’s how we used to do it at my mom’s retail gift shop. Now, of course, the Xmas decor goes up in July.
JULY? Please tell me you’re kidding….
No, sadly I’m not.
There is a right way and a wrong way to start celebrating Christmas. Your neighbor has taken the wrong path. I think Christmas trees should not be seen until two weeks before Christmas. Truthfully, we never even do it until ten days before Christmas or sometimes a week before. When you think about it, the early announcements of Christmas are a marketing ploy to make us all think we need to go out and go shopping and spend money.
Another thing I resent is Christmas music in stores. I hate canned Christmas music. If you are going to have a band of carolers that’s fine, but the recordings in stores or elevators is not fine and makes me shake after the second repetition of “Jingle Bells”. At least couldn’t the play “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt?
Christmas “stuff” must all be taken down by New Years Eve. If you leave your Christmas up until after January 15th, get into a program. You are an alcoholic. If you leave it up beyond the end of January, you are probably a crack addict and need rehab. I have seen Christmas trees way beyond that and can’t even venture a guess at the people who let that happen. Rednecks I’m told keep the Christmas lights up all year round. I am not now, nor have I ever been a redneck so I will not comment on that because as you know, I only talk about things I know about personally.
The television is the one thing I really avoid over the holidays. My family has always been a lot more “Adams Family” than “Waltons” so I really don’t see the point of these shows. I am not really sure that television programming has added that much to my life, except for my few favorite quality shows (“Cops”, “America’s Next Top Model”, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”, “The Khardasians”, etc.) All the rest, eh! I’d rather read.
So add a little hootch to your morning eggnog, Michael. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Linda, a band of carolers is just as bad as a mime hanging out in Central Park. No one’s interested and if the activities continue it may result in violence.
Okay, truth time, I hate carolers too because I don’t like Christmas music.
Heh, heh. The only Christmas songs I generally enjoy are the ‘twisted-tunes’ that came out some years ago, particularly the one, “Walking around in womens’ underwear” (sung to the tune of, “Walking around in a winter wonderland”).
I have never liked “Christmas music”, except “The Messiah”. Weird, since I’m not religious.
How about O Holy Night, or Ave Maria? Those are pretty songs.
Naw. But I do like “Onward Christian Soldiers”. No I don’t. I’m kidding.
It does have a nice militant tone to it. Muslims aren’t the only ones who like holy wars.
No they aren’t (the only ones). We all like a good holy war.
I almost hate to admit this, but I love them all. The silly ones, the sentimental ones, the oddball ones.
I just prefer some hard core rap.
What’s soft-core rap? No butts?
Happy Rap! Think Will Smith! Think “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer! Actually , I like a lot of the old school stuff (Grand Master Flash, etc.). And Blues, and Hip Hop, and Rock, and Metal, and Classical, and Opera, and Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings, and Patsy Cline, and Polka! But no Christmas music. Thank you!
Polka? Really?
No, not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention or faking it. You know.
Mike, when I read your reply to Linda: “I love them all. The silly ones, the sentimental ones, the oddball ones.” I thought you replying to me about the mimes!
Had a good laugh about that as I imagined the silly ones crunched on the ground trying to kick out of an invisible box, the sentimental ones drinking at the bar wiping tears away from an exaggerated crying face and the oddball ones … I don’t know, jacking off and smoking a cigarette at the same time? That’s oddball. Isn’t it?
Good Lord, Sweetheart! I think you have nailed the essence of the Oddball mime right to the door jam!
My comment threads get a little weird sometimes. It’s like we’re all at a party, drinking and smoking, and chattering away about this and that. I totally love it, probably because I have an ADD brain. I love your image of the mimes, but what’s so unusual about jacking off and smoking a cigarette? People do that all the time, don’t they?
I do.
I’m a non-smoker so perhaps that’s where the oddball thing comes in. Now maybe it wouldn’t be so weird if the dude was chomping on a chocolate cigarette. I like chocolate.
Uh, Cardio Girl, Hello! Hello! You are called Cardio Girl and you smoke a pack a day? I think NOT.
I’ve been a caroler, and it was fun. People greeted us with lots of enthusiasm. And goodies. I think it was the goodies that won me over.
Well, there are “goodies” and then there are “goodies”.
I hate mimes. What’s with that not talking thing, anyway?
Like everything else in America, it’s all about the money, Linda. If people don’t spend at the holidays, our economy is doomed. Really, it’s that important.
Also, I love eggnog. I really, really do. Spiked. Heavily.
Damn! I was waiting for you to say it was all about “family values”.
Nobody cares about family values anymore, and why should they? We don’t need to spend time with our families, because now we have choices that are actually entertaining.
I’m all about family values. Goofy kids are great. Grandkids are even better. You can keep my 3 sisters out of the mix because I’m sure I was adopted. Other than that, they are all great. Gin is great too.
Yeah, it just all comes too damn fast. Your neighbor should be fined. As a kid we put the tree up on December 15th, but now I like to get it up on the first Monday of December. Then I’m one of those people who doesn’t take it down until damn near the end of January because (A) I love it and (B) It’s too damn much work.
This year, if I do a tree at all, it will be a small table-top one and more manageable than the 8′ ones I usually get.
Cheers.
I love Christmas lights and I do leave them up in the window and outside until the end of January. I try to tell myself they’re artistic since they’re white lights and that they stand alone as a statement which transcends the Christmas season.
I bet my neighbors hate me.
Of course your neighbors hate you, CG. Anyone would hate anybody so damned “fit”.
I also love Christmas lights. And Christmas in general. Just not too early. I want it to feel special. Personally, I don’t mind it when people leave their lights up. I realize that doesn’t make sense, but lights are pretty all the year ’round.
I knew a woman who kept her twinkle lights on all the time year round. She was a touch bizarre, but not boring.
I love twinkle lights, and if I had any, I’d also leave them on year ’round.
You and this lady would make great friends I’m sure. She hosted a Christmas party for 25 people wearing her bra, panties, slip and and a sheer bed jacket, wearing electric rollers in her hair, and one false eyelash, from her magnificent penthouse atop Russian Hill in San Francisco. I was one of the lucky guests. The twinkling lights just made it all the more exotic.
Were they blinking twinkling lights, Linda? Blinking lights make me fight the lure of a seizure. If they blink she is a touch bizarre. If they don’t blink it’s cool from November til January when the snow is full force.
Past Jan. 31 I can’t get behind the artistic statement.
I think they were blinking, twinkling lights that also sang in your ear. It took gin to survive an evening there.
It is too much work. We’re considering not putting up a tree this year. Maybe we’ll just go hang out at our neighbor’s house.
When you mentioned the movie “The Homecoming: A Christmas Story” I thought you were talking about that movie with the blond kid Ralphie who wanted a bb gun for Christmas.
So I was surprised to learn that the father in the movie was named John Walton. And that he received his leg lamp with tassled shade in the midst of the Depression. Then I realized my mistake and decided the John Boy movie probably sucks and I should stick with watching the movie with the blond kid.
I like both movies a lot. But you should watch The Homecoming. It’s not like the series, partly because it has different actors. Patricia Neal is remarkable in it, and it’s actually a very interesting story, if only because it’s true.
I think you and I should gather up our own band of merry elves to burn down the trees that go up before December? Whaddya say?
I love the way you think, especially the part where you say you abhore inappropriate language. Ya, I fucken hate it too!
Sandra, I’m in! Let’s torch the motherfuckers!
Oops, pardon my language again.
“Hell hath no fury like an elf with scones!” Love it! I usually wait until the week before Christmas to start my preparations… because I’m the world’s greatest procrastinator. Why do something today if you can put it off until tomorrow? In fact it drives me so nuts to see Xmas stuff out before Thanksgiving that I purposely went out and broke my leg this year so I wouldn’t have to venture out in public to see the premature desecrations, I mean decorations… aw, hell… same thing.
You always go a bit too far, Boom Boom. That’s something I’ve always loved in a girl.
That might be taking things a little too far, but I totally understand, Boom Boom. I’m a person of extremes myself.
We already knew that, Michael.
You’ll be happy to know that over here we still live in simpler times. Since we celebrate Christmas on the evening of December 24th, we put up the Christmas tree on December 23rd, never earlier. But we do some minor decorating with lights and such earlier in December.
You should really move to Europe, living in the USA can’t be good for your blood pressure.
I would love to move to Europe. Seriously. I’d fly out there tomorrow if I had a job waiting for me.
“Because if you don’t, I just might drive by your house one night and throw a brick through your fucking picture window.”
Let me know when you’re planning to do this and I’ll try and sneak into the country. I’d be very happy to be the getaway driver.
Drives me stark-staring mad, the Christmas run up.
Jon, you are my official wheel man. I was hoping an ex-patriot might show up to help out. I hope you’re like Jason Statham.
Oh God! I hope so too!
Well, we’re pretty much exactly the same age, neither of us shave that often, both of us have nice accents, but I have more hair.
But do you have more muscles?
Hair is good, although no hair works pretty well for Statham. Even if it didn’t, I’d never say so out loud.
Yul Brynner would have been ruined with hair! But then Baldy Renaldy would look better with hair than he does now.
Mike, I would highly recommend not throwing the brick through the window and you know why. Now, to the Waltons, John Boy got five blank notebooks during that episode which was just so damn touching. A family so poor they did not have paper.
Now, my former insane cliet grew up during the Great Depression, which might possibly explain her insanity, but her family used to go to the daily newspaper to get leftover sheets of paper to write on.
That’s a brilliant idea for the current poor. EXCEPT THERE ARE NO FUCKING NEWSPAPERS LEFT IN THIS COUNTRY. Cripes. I find 25 cent notebooks for the family across the street at our resort on the Skagit River. The children’s father has 38 percent of his liver left, still drinks, has hepatatis C, and they are so afraid of children’s protective services they “homeschool” their offspring. I AM GOING TO FUCKING CRY NOW. Okay? BOO FUCKING HOO HOO!!!!!
It’s okay that there aren’t any newspapers because there aren’t any journalism schools left, either. They’re closing CU’s, for example.
Yeah, elves are basically creepy.
Regarding TV, I’m with you. How did life exist before its invention? And if you’re looking for another great show, “The Defenders” is outstanding. Wednesdays at 10:00.
I think people were busy making candles and sweaters and stuff. And then they died young. Of boredom.
I have not seen yet no decorated Christmas tree.Not even the city is not decoreted…and my city usually is very quickly decorated with all sorts of lights,globes and stars.Lately I have not been through hypermarkets.The supermakets and hypermakets are the first decorated.
I’ll tell you when I see the first decorated tree
)
All the best.!
Please send me regular updates from Romania, Rares. I’m more than curious to know how they do things there.
Oh..sure
.
Yesterday I saw some ornaments on the streets.They began to ornament my city-Craiova.I posted an article and I put some pictures.
Last year,Craiova was the most beautiful adorned city in Romania.
All the best.!
Craiova sounds like something an American would take for bladder problems, but I’m sure it’s a lovely city. Probably much lovelier than Denver, where I live.
Amen.
I loved elves with scones but those that don’t like scones have never had my scones!
Yeah, the tree can wait until after December 1st or 2nd, or 3rd…..
Now got wash your mouth out with soap!
Thank God I won’t be seeing my mom for a few days because she might wash my mouth out with soap. She used to, and it worked; I didn’t start cussing until I was in my mid-20s. Now I’m making up for the lost years.
I really think you and Jepeto were separated at birth! Just yesterday he was bitching out our neighbours who have decorated the front of their home with enough lights to feed a small village in Africa. Or something like that. It makes more sense in French. His eyes lit up when I told him about your threat to throw a brick through the window. I’m kinda happy now that Colorado and Quebec are so far apart.
Just make sure Max stays home for this kind of adventure, Honey.
I would try, but you saw the video…the kid’s got great aim and a hell of a throwing arm!!
I can’t wait till Max comes to visit and plays catch with Harry and Honey. They will love him. Jepeto, we will have to carefully introduce to the pack. They might not understand him immediately.
One more thing, Nicky. I assume the beautiful and talented Max is your baby too. Or did Jepeto just show up at your house with this little dude from another baby mamma?
Hang on a minute, here. Nicky and Jepeto are a procreating couple? And Nicky speaks fluent French. Hang on while my head explodes.
(Gray matter splatters, lifeless body falls to the ground with her hand still clutching the mouse.)
Well, CG, it was kind of a shock to all of us. Still, Jepeto is hunky and Nicky is gorgeous and brilliant, so if Max is indeed their spawn, it’s all good. Now, I could be wrong because Jepeto could have just showed up at Nicky’s house with a baby boy from another baby mama, but I somehow doubt it. If you have watched the video, you will see that Max does indeed favor Nicky with the curly dark hair. He has a lot of Jepeto in him too with his athletic skill and sense of humor. All in all, Max is a gorgeous little boy!
No question that Max has the best of both genes — no matter who supplied them — but in the comment below Nicky said Jepeto lives in France and I’m quite sure Nicky lives in Canada.
Where is Nicky when you need her? I must have answers.
And I did see the video, cute. Now I want to hear Max speak French since I’ve never heard a toddler speak French. Please make him say, “All I want for Christmas is another cat and a bushel of plastic balls. Thank you and good night.”
Sweetie, Jon (from “Jon In France”) lives in France. Jepeto (from “WWFC”) lives in Canada with Nicky, but speaks French. Max, spawn of Jepeto (from WWFC) lives with Jepeto and Nicky in Canada but is tri-lingual. He speaks English, French, and Gibberish with total ease. Amazing baby!
Ohhhhh! Okay, that comment up there did reference Jon. Gah, I’m falling asleep at the wheel over here and it’s only 2:30 in the afternoon. Thanks for clearing that up.
However, I still want to hear baby Max speak French regarding the cat.
OMG! You two are killing me!! Hahahahaaha! Yes Jepeto is French, although he speaks English, and I speak French, although English is my first language, and we live in Canada and we have a baby boy named Max who speaks French and English and lives in Canada. He does actually say a few words in French in the video, but it probably sounds like the third language Linda, who lives in CA, mentioned – Giberish
. In my comment to Mike, who lives in Colorado, I mentioned Jon, who lives in France, because he offered to be the getaway driver. Does that answer your question, CG, who lives in MI?
Nicky you are so awesome. You have cleared so much up and yet Jepeto seems to be like the silent Marx brother, the one with the curly hair and the horn. What was his name? Anyway, it seems really weird that you two are a couple with a child.
And, yes. I am in MI and I am currently freezing even though it has yet to snow.
Maybe Jepeto can join Jon and me when we start trashing the early Christmas people. He can shout obscenities at them in French as we speed away. That’ll confuse and frighten them, and throw the cops off our trail at the same time.
Fine, but I better not be his “one phone call”! If you boys are going to cause trouble, Jon had better be a helluva get away driver. Oh wait, he lives in France. Never mind, they drive like freaks over there. S’all good. Either they’ll never catch you, or you will all go kaboom.
Nicky, all of the relationships and associations are perfectly clear in my mind. (But then of course they would be.) I am indeed glad that the devilishly adorable Mex is indeed yours (no duh), and that you and Jepeto are raising such a superb little first baseman with all those amazing language skills. And I’m equally glad that Jon in France is not in Canada because that would have been confusing to me.
I had a witty and insightful comment this morning, but somehow it was lost in the intricate latticework (?) that is the Interwebs, and I can’t remember it now at nearly 11 p.m. I think it had something to do with television and how my wife and I don’t watch it. We watch DVDs or Netflix Instant Queue, but TV…blech. Next post, I’ll try to have an actual witty and insightful comment. Until then…
I’m not going to hold this one against you, Rambler. We all have our problems thinking from time to time, so consider this one a pass. I’m sure you’ll be brilliant and witty next time.
Well that explains all the rocks and F-bombs at our window. People? Are you sure it isn’t last year’s tree? Cuz, I’ve been busy.
Oops! Sorry, Murr. It hadn’t dawned on me that somebody I know and respect might put their tree up early. Or leave it up late.
It’s the same tree we put up in 1985. We got a flat tree that year and stapled it to the wall. Then we put flat presents under it (books, LPs, prints). It never got in the way so it’s still there.
Ishmael–
Why not celebrate Christmas early the way it’s supposed to be done– by watching Denis Leary in “The Ref”? If Denis Leary holding a dysfunctional family captive on Christmas isn’t a way to warm your heart, why, nothing will!
Thank you for reminding me about that movie, one of my favorite holiday films along with “Bad Santa” and “Home for the Holidays.” Christmas and dysfunction go together like peanut butter and chocolate.
Jen from Redhead Ranting is so bummed out that she can’t have fun over here. She’s got that paying-the-bills-reality thing hanging over her head and she hasn’t been out in the blogosphere much. She’s sort of been spotty over at Tribal Blogs, too, but if you look closely you can find her.
You should look closely. You know you’re welcome over there right? All you have to do is sign in and you can run free in the fields with the breeze gently blowing the locks away from your scalp.
I think you’d have fun over there. Hey! Linda hangs out over there occasionally. Linda? You do hang out over there. Occasionally. You should hang out over there more often.
Jen no longer loves me. She only loves money. I understand, though. I also love money more than myself.
As for Tribal Blogs, I’m a member, and I like it. I’ve just had a little trouble getting around myself lately.
She loves you. She does. Dude, the tribe needs you. Seriously.
CG! I am a member of Tribal Blogs too. And I adore Jen. The problem I have is I don’t really know what it is. I like it but I don’t understand it. I have a “Facebook” account too, and I don’t understand it either. In fact, I look on there and think “Who are these people and what are they talking about?” Still, I like to be in with the “in crowd” so I do stuff I don’t understand in the first place. I’m good with other things but these are too complex for this Simple Mexican Woman!
Linda, Linda. Come over to my tutorial, I will show you the ways of the Tribe. It’s so much easier than FB. I hate FB and yet I have an account that I never use. You’re gonna love the Slumber Party!
CG, Sweetheart, I’ll come over but I am totally challenged when it comes to following directions. I have a good sense of space directions, but not so much of technical. I am great at so many things but never understand what the fuck most folks are telling me no matter how clear they are. It’s a burden!
Linda, I miss you too!!!!!!!!!!!! You must stop by tomorrow, Cardiogirl will show you all you need to know. It’s so much fun.
I’ll go see the lovely CG and I love you Jen. I will try to be there tomorrow eve.
It’s not about trying Linda, it’s about doing! Booya!
Now that’s a can-do attitude!
p.s. The Saturday Night Parties are in the live chat forum so we can talk like we are now without having to type in a captcha code and without having to refresh the page.
WTF is a live chat room. This is hopeless!
It’s on the toolbar but you can also talk in the forum, someone will help you out there. It’s really easy, just go over there and click on the slumber party board. Click on “forum” at the top of the blog page.
Boo your own darn self, Jen. This all is giving me an anxiety attack.
(Holds your hand and speaks in a soothing voice) We can do this Linda. I’ll be right there with you, I will hold the door open.
Both you and Jen enchant me. You delight me. But you scare me in equal measures.
You can do this linda, I know you can.
I do love you Mike, I love you almost as much as I love this lovely weather we are having, and nearly as much as the money I need to buy my kids all the things they want during this holiday season.
I really miss all this fun that has been going on here with you, Linda, Nicky and everyone else. Where is Jayne by the way? I miss all of you guys so much and thankfully Cardiogirl called me on the phone today to tell me what was happening over here, and then she IM’d me to tell me to get over here when she saw I was online (working). We’re having a huge party tomorrow night at the TB Forum and you are one of the quests of honor. I just sent out the invite and even forced some spam on you in the event you haven’t signed up for the newsletter.
Crap. I’m travelling and out of pocket for a few days. Only sporadic Internet access….
Dude. Dude. Dude. First off – I share the same attitude. I REFUSE to enjoy a damn christmas song before Turkey Day. After that – it’s on. Because the economic impact of Christmas is a factor that has grown steadily over the past few centuries in many regions of the world – stores start so early which is annoying enough. but the fact that some douche neighbor starts pimping it out – you should egg his house. By the way, the fact you got 131 comments is world class. I remember the day you almost quit. Rock on…
I also remember the day I almost quit. Seems like just yesterday. Oh, wait. It was.
Are you home Dude? I hope so. All this running around isn’t good for you.
Yes, we got home a little bit ago. I’m tired. Too much running around, and I see that I have a few comments to read.
What I really hate is when Walmart puts the trees up before Halloween, (and I have seen it done.) It’s mostly because I feel sorry for Thanksgiving; it doesn’t even have any songs associated with it. Poor, neglected Thanksgiving.
Exactly, Kam! We need to give our holidays their due or we won’t experience the passage of time in the way that we should and we’ll end up feeling cheated.
I think I broke your comments. I’ll try to leave that one again and if it doesn’t work I will accept the fact that it’s time to step away from this thread.
—–
Hang on, Linda, how’d you get me smokin’ a pack a day? I’d eat a pack of chocolate cigarettes a day if they still made them. Didn’t they used to make chocolate cigarettes in the 70s with a gold foil wrapper that allowed the ends of the chocolate to show through?
I swear they did. Anyway, if Hershey would produce that sort of chocolate I’d eat them with abandon and then workout that much longer on the elliptical machine to combat the ill effects it would have on my hips and thighs.
That was a “NOT” joke, CG. I said “your name is Cardio Girl and you smoke a pack a day, NOT”. Didn’t you see Borat? You hate chocolate and are allergic to it, NOT. See, a “NOT” joke!
Ahhh, I see clearly now. I did not see Borat. Seriously, that’s not a NOT statement, it’s the truth. I’ll have to check it out.
See Borat if you must, but trust me on this one thing, CardioGirl: Close your eyes when the wrestling starts. Or before, if you’re good at predicting what’s next.
It’s been broken for quite a while now, but I’m too lazy to fix it. And I’ve sort of grown used to the jumbled mess it’s become.
I’m a sucker for pretty lights. I kind of wish people kept their Christmas and Diwali lights up all year long. Having said that, I totally see where you’re coming from about celebrating one holiday at a time. Please feel free to drive by my home and throw a brick through my prematurely festive window, but beware of my elven bodyguards. Those dudes fight dirty.
Are you Hindu, kz?
Wait, you just answer that when I come to retrieve my brick from your living room.
I’m a little late on the reply here, but no, I’m not Hindu. I just like me some pretty ecumenical lights.
I was singing Christmas songs a week ago but my housemates have warned me off carols till December 30th. I feel its unfair
. All the shops are singing, the streets are twinkly but luckily..no Xmas trees yet. The English are proper like that..
p.s. I’m a bit confused. Who owns this blog???? Mom, CG or Mike??? lol
Mike thanks for commenting on my blog..
Actually, Ginger Darling, It’s all mine. Everything is mine. Michael just thinks it’s his.
If only it was worth something. Then you could sell it and get yourself a new pair of heels.
I have sold it and gotten a new pair of Prada pumps from it! Thanks Michael!
You’re welcome. I’m sure you look lovely in them, too.
Thank you Michael. I assure you I do. And it’s all due to stealing your blog and selling it.
Mom, you’ve made that claim before about share and share alike. Now I know its true. We’ll try and treat him special since Uncle Mike is the gander laying the golden eggs errr posts..
He is indeed a gander, Darling Ginger. A bit strange but basically a cool dude.
I don’t think I’m strange. I feel completely normal.
I’ll take your word for feeling normal. I haven’t had the pleasure.
Me, either. I was lying. But sometimes I like to pretend I feel normal just to change things up a little.
You were lying? Oh Damn, Michael! Can’t you leave this simple Mexican woman with some illusions?
I hardly think you’re simple, Linda.
I’ve lost control of my blog, which doesn’t surprise me because I lost control of my life years ago. Oh well, nevermind.
I wish you lived closer and I could just pop over with a nice bottle of Bombay Sapphire and we could get you straightened out. One evening and you’d be back in control.
Is that how drinking gin is supposed to work out? It usually seems to go the other direction. Either way, I’d love to have you and your Bombay Sapphire over. I don’t drink enough. Call first so we can straighten up a bit, though. We’re not the best housekeepers.
You drink gin to solve world problems, and enrich your spirituality. Mopping the floor has nothing to do with it.
Saying fuck several times in the same post as you mentioned baby Jesus. OMG!
You’re on Santa’s naughty list for sure. I’m not sure I can hang around with you until after the holidays. I really want a new digital camera.
Hey, you just said fuck in the same sentence that you mentioned the baby Jesus. Now I’m worried that you might not get that new camera.
I am so politically incorrect I could be elected to office. I HATE CHRISTMAS and all it stands for. I HATE CHRISTMAS because everyone is SO DAMN NICE, until December 26, when they’ll gladly smash your face in if they want the half-priced baby Jesus at Walmart and they think you’re reaching for it too.
I bowed to the authority of “they think I should” and bought a tree and put it up November 19. WHY? Because at midnight, December 25, the bastard is coming down and being dragged to the curb, that’s why.
AND I CAN’T WAIT!
But how do you really feel, Dana?
Here Dana is with her Christmas tree already up. I wish I had that! I don’t even have my turkey yet and 16 people are coming here tomorrow. (The turkey is at the butcher shop still.) Are you cooking Michael? I am making an organic free range turkey with sausage and corn bread stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes topped with pecans and brown sugar, a green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, cranberry chutney, fruit salad, fresh baked rolls, a pecan pie, an apple pie, and a pumpkin pie with fresh whipped cream. We also have a wonderful selection of wines from our little wine shop. Just pack up Kerry and the kids, Alison and her sig other, and drive on down. If you leave now, you should be here by 4 PM.
Usually, I roast a turkey, smoke a turkey and make stuffing for the entire family. But this year a stupid thing happened and we’re bringing three, pre-cooked Costco chickens for the family dinner. Fortunately, my sister-in-law planned ahead, and there will be some turkey, too. I just won’t be cooking it.
I would love to come to Thanksgiving at your house (what a feast you’re laying out!), and I truly mean that. Someday, I may, too, so be warned. I might want to tell my deadly Ebola virus story in person. With props.
I like chicken better than turkey and my family for that matter. Maybe I can get a flight.
You are invited, Michael. You and the Ebola thing too since I don’t really know what it is.
Ebola, noooooooooooooooooooo! It’s very, very bad. Highly contagious and deadly. Some scientists believe it will one day morph into an air-borne virus and kill off most of the human race.
Okay leave that at home. Ebola, e-coli, damn e-nasty!
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Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.
Okay, now I’m really puzzled, and somewhat excited. I appear to be dealing with a sentient spammer here. I’ve read about this in science fiction novels, but didn’t know spam technology (or, spamology, as the cutting-edge spammers call it) had progressed this far.
Are you a Russian spammer, or Chinese? I suspect Chinese, because their computer technology and ability to control the Internet has taken quantum leaps forward in recent years. But the Russians are the world’s most sophisticated and evil spammers, so it could go either way.
What’s particularly curious about your sentience, is that you’re obviously aware enough to converse with me, and yet not especially bright. Yes, we’re having this conversation, which is amazing, but it’s about nothing relevant to my post; although I referenced at least two videos in this post, I didn’t use one. It was written almost entirely with words, many of them spelled correctly.
Still, this is an awesome step forward–and, simultaneously, backward–for the human race. A thinking spambot. Not even Jules Verne would’ve imagined it. I only wish Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov were alive to shed some light on this development.
Uncle Mike, I can believe you responded to a spambot…lol. I am almost praying for a robotic dialogue to ensue. That would be so much fun. Maybe in its reply it would talk about your use of Verne Diagrams to illustrate your point….
It’s totally weird, isn’t it?
“Christmas trees and mid-November go together like Charlie Sheen and church.”
This made me LOL.
“But between Oprah and Dr. Phil, I figure you’ve had it up to your ears with all that feel-good family togetherness crap”
Amen to that.
Now I’m going to have nightmares about being stuck in between Oprah and Dr. Phil.
(*shudder*)
Can you imagine being stuck between those two? They’d squeeze you until you turned into gold coins.
Better yet, since we’re carbon-based life forms, wouldn’t we be turned into diamonds?
The same thing is going on here, in Oman.
A COUNTRY THAT DOESN’T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.
The trees & lights & other b.s. were on sale before Halloween was over.
I don’t whether to be encouraged or depressed that this phenomemon has gone global.