Hey, kids, it’s time for more of Mike’s Free Advice For Living Well!
Well, not exactly more advice. This is the very first time I’ve officially doled out free advice. This is virgin advice. *snicker* ”More” just sounded better. It’s like adding “new” to something. It automatically sounds more interesting and exciting. In fact, let me start the whole thing over, okay?
Hey, kids, it’s time for more of Mike’s New Free Advice For Living Well!
Yeah.
Anyway, these are helpful tips I’ve collected from decades of hard, hard living.
Originally, I was going to keep them all to myself because I don’t actually know anybody who actually wants to talk to me, especially if I’m going to give them free advice or use the word actually three times in one sentence. But they’re so good. So good. And then I thought, “Hey, Mike, don’t be selfish with your free advice. Nobody likes selfish people. Unless they’re rich, selfish people and they’re giving away money. Then everybody likes selfish people. Otherwise, though, nobody likes people selfish people. Or people with contagious skin diseases. Not that I have a contagious skin disease, thank God. Because contagious skin diseases are unpleasant, and very hard to get rid of.”
Anyway, with random thoughts like that running through my head, you can probably understand exactly why I don’t actually know anybody.
And anyway, another thing is that I don’t have room to print ALL of my free advice, so I’m just going to give you a few highlights gleaned from my exciting and challenging life. Feel free to use my free advice—daily, if necessary—and to share it with others you love. Or don’t love. Everybody needs free advice for living, loved or not. In fact, that’s more new free advice right there, and I didn’t even put it on my list.
Here goes:
# 1,278 — If you have an important meeting in a small room with your top boss and eight of his top department heads, don’t whisper inside jokes to your immediate supervisor until you both start giggling uncontrollably and everybody turns to see what’s happening.
# Eleventy three hundred and forty six — If your wife is tired and wants to eat at the Genghis Grill across the street from the hotel, do not spend an hour driving around an unfamiliar city looking for a Red Lobster and then end up dining at some lousy place called Cheddar’s.
# 36 — If you need a friend, never let anybody know that you’re needy. They might mistake you for a street person and slide you a buck for a pack of smokes, but they probably won’t let you sleep on their couch when you’re drunk or down and out.
# 413 — If your son is sick and does not need a ride to hockey practice, and you promise your wife that you will call your parents to cancel his ride, do not sit in your cubicle at work daydreaming about how much you’d like to visit Italy instead. Not unless you don’t mind having your entire support system hate you.
# 78 — If the right front tire of your car looks low, don’t ignore it and continue driving on Interstate I-25 at rush hour. Stop at a gas station and put some air in it.
# 987 — If you’re dreaming that you’re in bed and about to wet your pants, and then you wake up and realize you really need to pee bad, then by all means get up and use the bathroom. Immediately.
# 1,002 — Facebook is not necessarily helpful when you’re supposed to be paying attention to the professor who not only teaches your Energy Policy & Law course, but is also in charge of pop quizzes.
# 56 — It can be very helpful to say the first thing that pops into your mind if you’re a contestant on Jeopardy! Elsewhere, not so much.
# 334 — The only thing in life that’s free is bad advice. And a bad bottle of red wine. And a rollable Black & Decker garden hose. And the theater tickets they sent when you worked at the newspaper. And, extremely rarely, an iPad.
# 43 — Never assume anybody cares about you, or what you think. Don’t even trust that they’ve heard or read anything you’ve said or written. They’re probably in their cubicle at work daydreaming about taking a vacation to Italy.
# 17 — Never leave home without a large package of beef jerky in your pocket. You never know when the Nazis will attack and food supplies will get short.
So, okay, that’s enough more new free advice for today.
You’re welcome.
You post this now? You post this after the photo travel essays? You post this after you know I’ve been in a severe funk and unable to even cope with dressing and walking out the door? Fine. Only a couple of these applied to me anyway. The rest were “typical dumb shit male” advise. “When the air in the tire is low”, say what? Arent’ you talking about a “no brainer” thing here? Your son is sick and won’t need a ride, and you said you would call your parents and you didn’t? Your wife is tired and hungry and you want to “drive around for an hour” when there’s a place across the street from your hotel? Nazi’s attacking and beef jerky in your pocket? Do you want them to think you are glad to see them? Now explain to me why Alex packs a “survival kit” to take with him to San Jose. He has fishing poles, weapons, food, water, antibiotics, a compass, thermal underwear (we live in CALIFORNIA), a two way radio, water purifier pellets, waterproof matches, a tarp, and flashlights and flares to name a few things. When I have dreamed I had to pee, I never dreamed I was in bed. I dreamed I was on a toilet. Still, the point is the same. If you dream it, you’d better get up.
In this context, it’s advice, not advise. You see how helpful I can be?
Punk!
Yeah, like I don’t know the difference. Did you change it for me so that people will think you have smart friends? Or are you going to leave it to show off how liberal you are hanging out with a simple Mexican woman?
to advise is wise, but advice can be cold as ice
No, I didn’t change it. My self-esteem needed the boost today, so I left it.
And, yes, I am going to show all my friends–hah!–how liberal I am by hanging out with a simple Mexican woman. Not that she’s simple, but some of them will probably assume she is, and why correct them? They’re idiots, and always will be.
WOW!!! You’re full of piss and vinegar today.
I’m in a bad, bad mood. An evil mood, to be honest. I’ve had it.
That could be the problem, Michael. You say “I’ve had it” and I am guessing that you have not had it. Always puts me in a bad mood too.
I should shut up now. I’m fine.
Hah!
I am here to profess to the world that I have made my husband drive around a strange city looking for something better than Burger King when we are both tired, and hungry only to stop at a 7-11 and eat the worst bagel dogs and taquitos ever, so bad that I with the iron gut had to stop at the next Kum-n-Go for a bottle of Pepto.
#1278 done it,
#36 been there,
#413 similar but not the same,
#78 no worries, know how to change a tire, and I have roadside assistance.
#987 my son wet the bed about a month ago he’s 25.
#1002 we all know how I feel about facebook.
#56 I’m trying to control the turrets fortunately I mostly have a handle on it at work.
#334 you forgot a free tool kit, and a reusable grocery bag, everybody’s giving those things away these days.
#43 a hard lesson to learn, especially as a woman
#17 Beef Jerky is a great idea, I usually only have granola bars and a half full bottle of water rolling around in the car.
PS my captcha is ANL5
Hah! ANL5! Love it.
Confession time: I really like those 7-Eleven tacquitos. The chili cheese is very tasty, and goes well with a large Coke.
#43 is an extremely hard lesson to learn. And re-learn. But the hardest one of all for me is #36. I have this innate drive to share and open up, and it bites me in the ass about 95 percent of the time. This is why I say I would greatly prefer to be a tough, macho, dumb guy. It would be soooo much easier.
#43 does not worry me at all and neither does #36. That you like the 7-Eleven tacquitos concerns the hell out of me.
That’s why you’re you and I’m me. You’re lucky.
I feel lucky.
Why?
Why not?
I like minimalism. I couldn’t live with it, but I like it.
I don’t like anything or anybody. On the other hand, I like everything and everybody.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a little girl once. We were talking about food we like, she said I like salad, I just don’t like any of the stuff that’s in it. So basically she liked the “idea” of salad, but would never eat it.
I love that story. Really, really love it.
You are lying like a persian rug.
(Editor’s note: This comment refers to my comment before my previous comment, not the previous comment it appears to refer to.)
#36 is a tough one too, that’s why I mostly have acquaintances, and very few friends.
Word.
Pour one for the homies
I’ve lost it, haven’t I?
No, I just thought it was funny that all you said was “word”
According to Vanilla Ice, it should be “Word to your mother”…
That’s something completely different. But I’m glad you’re fly like that.
Ah-hah! The truth must out! Linda’s not so simple after all!
Actually, I am.
Funky Mom. You know Vanilla Ice lol!!
Free advice… worth exactly what you paid for it.
I tend to want to impart my wisdom a little too often, as well, but I’m getting better at keeping my mouth shut. Although, the frustration from doing so may be the cause of those zits.
Indeed, Jayne. It all gets bottled up inside and has to come out somehow, right?
Well I suppose this post is another example of why some people need a blog.
That made me laugh, but I’m not sure why. Are you saying I’m crazy? I might be. I feel a little bit crazy right now. I think your comment might be my favorite comment ever, even though I’m sure I don’t fully understand it.
You are a learned man, Mike. I’m so glad you finally figured some of that stuff out.
Yes, please get up and pee unless you want your #1 support-person to be very angry with you…..again. She hasn’t gotten over Cheddar’s yet.
I really don’t understand the choice of “Cheddar’s” either.
It was a mistake. It happens.
Go ahead. Be touchy!
Hey, you don’t have to me with a hammer in the head to set me straight. Not always, anyway.
Speaking of free advice don’t you just hate when someone says “and don’t take any wooden nickels”? I do. Like there’s such a thing as a wooden nickel. Sheesh, like I’m such a fool? I guess that’s why a fool and his money are soon parted. Do they take wooden nickels at Cheddar’s?
I have a couple of wooden nickles, there’s a cool old tavern “Brooklyn Tavern” up in the woods that has a spitoon trough running under the bar. The old dude that owns it gave me a couple wooden nickles, they’re good for free beer.
There’s no such thing as a free beer. There’s no such thing as a free lunch either. And you can completely forget about a free martini.
I used to have some wooden nickels. I don’t think they’re official government issue, though.
Dear Sir:
We would like to express our disappointment at being singled out for criticism on your website. If you were dissatisfied by the service or cuisine at our fine establishment, we would have appreciated it if you’d spoken with our manager rather than denigrate us on the Internet. Furthermore, although our them is much different, our restaurant compares quite favorably with Red Lobster, and is MILES ahead of the pissant dive known as The Genghis Grill.
An apology is in order. We eagerly await your reply.
Sincerely,
Martin VanderScrote
General Manager, Cheddar’s Restaurants
Dear Sir:
Obviously, I meant “theme” instead of “them” in my previous letter.
Sincerely,
M. VanderScrote
Dear Mr. VanderScrote,
Are you aware that your last name is VanderScrote?
Sincerely,
M.E. Whiteman-Jones
You know what sucks? Everything.
That will be $19.99 please.
Thanks for that advice Nicky, I’m glad you pro-rated your rate
All in a day’s work Madge
Hmm. Too critical, you think? Earlier today, I received a very long and very thoughtful e-mail from a reader explaining why Texas isn’t as bad as I made it out to be. I ought to ask her if I can publish it. It’s probably the best critical e-mail I’ve ever received.
Nope, not too critical. And, although I’m sure Texas has its charms, your post was brilliant. It’s just an “Everything sucks” kind of day.
Me, too, Nicky. One of many lately. And a lot of people I know feel the same way, whether they’ll admit publicly or not. What’s up with that?
I didn’t pay for this advice which is in direct correlation to #334 so now I’m not sure if I’m supposed to forget I read this or not.
There goes my non-philosophical Friday. Thanks a lot, Mike.
Well, you probably needed SOME excuse not to work, right?
I need no excuse not to work. I’d be in the other category. I might like to find an excuse to work.
Maybe you could volunteer at the local hospital or take up gardening. That would be AWESOME! (This particular awesome was said in a very effeminate, sing-songy way for effect.)
You are being awesomely jerky today! Was it something I said?
I’m being jerky? I don’t even know what that means, honestly, I don’t, but it sounds AWESOME!
Yes.
Free advice, huh? I’m so not taking any of that. I will take Nicky’s advice for $19.99, though. Nicky honey, your cheque is in the mail.
Okay.
A word to the wise. Never give it away when you can get paid for it.
I’m not wise. Anybody else out there wise?
Isn’t it why pay for the whole pig when all you want is a little pork?
You’re a wiseacre, if that counts for anyting at all Mike.
People used to tell me I was wise beyond my years, but I think my years have caught up with my wiseness.
I’m a wise ass. Does that count?
Counts extra.
Never assume anybody cares? Hell, that’s my reason for getting out of the bed in the morning…now what do I have?
And Italy? Really? You’d risk the wrath of your support system for Italy?
sage advice, Michael.
I can so relate to # 987. Mine would go like this — If you’re dreaming that you’re sitting on a warm toilet seat peeing, and yet you feel yourself horizontally aligned on something solid, get off that bed and run to the bathroom. Immediately.
#334 and #43 still learning. still learning.
Thanks for sharing Uncle Mike :p
You don’t have to thank me for sharing. I’m the king of oversharing.