The Rule of 1,000 Humors

Are you boring?

Of course you are. You wouldn’t be sitting on your ass reading this post about The Rule of 1,000 Humors if you weren’t. You’d be out drinking beer with friends, or skydiving.

Skydiving may be the least-boring sport in the world. There are about 32,000 skydivers in the country, according to the United States Parachute Association. They make nearly 3 million jumps a year, and 20 to 25 of them die, not because falling is dangerous, but because sudden stops from tremendous heights are.

“Analysis of skydiving accidents show that most are caused by jumpers who make mistakes of procedure or judgment,” Skydiving Magazine reports. I agree. It takes a serious error in judgment to strap an oversized blanket to your back and jump out of an airplane. I can’t prove it, but there’s got to be a direct link between drinking beer with friends and parachuting.

Some people, many of them sober, jump out of airplanes without parachutes and live.

In 1944, for instance, 21-year-old British Flight Sergeant Nicholas Stephen Alkemade was flying over Schmallenberg, Germany when the Nazis shot his bomber all to hell. Flames destroyed his parachute, but rather than die in a fiery wreck — one of my least-favorite ways to go — he leapt into the ether and plummeted 18,000 feet into a snow bank, suffering a sprained leg for his trouble. I’ve suffered a sprained leg getting up out my chair to go the bathroom, so I’m impressed. But the Gestapo who captured and interrogated him were so amazed they gave him a certificate of appreciation and turned him into a celebrity prisoner of war, which is way more than most POWs got from the Nazis, who weren’t the friendliest evil-doers in history.

Alkemade went on to be utterly not-boring, and so would you if you bailed out of the tail end of a Frontier Airlines flight without a parachute and survived. They’d probably make a movie out of your life story starring James Franco or Anne Hathaway. You’d also be a highly sought-after TV guest and exceedingly popular with the American Birding Association, American Philatelic Society or whatever boring club you belong to. Oprah might even come out of retirement to interview you, ensuring that you’d never be boring again, especially with women, which if you happen to be a guy, is all that matters in life.

But there is an easier way to be not-boring: You can be funny.

The problem is that not everybody knows how to be funny. Out of the several hundred people I work with, for example, I’d estimate that 10 to 12 are deadly serious workaholics, 5 to 7 are ex-Nazis — not the kind who hand out certificates and gold stars, either — and 2 to 3 are funny. The rest are so nondescript they defy categorization.

Fortunately, I have a solution. It’s called The Rule of 1,000 Humors. Here’s how it works:

Let’s say you’re at the annual Christmas party of the National Coin Collecting Association, which is, by definition, boring in the same way that skydiving isn’t boring. And let’s say you anticipated being both bored and boring, and brought a wind-up toy monkey with you to liven things up.

Funny, right?

Of course it is. Nothing’s funnier than a wind-up toy monkey. (If you don’t believe me, check out this video from my good friend and award-winning filmmaker, Ziva.)

Now apply The Rule of 1,000 Humors, which holds that if one one wind-up toy monkey makes people smile, then 100 will make them laugh so hard they pee their pants. So you don’t have to be funny to be not-boring, you just have to be able to wind up 100 toy monkeys.

Better yet, the rule applies to anything funny, from belching and yo-momma jokes to pratfalls and using dirty words like penis. I think we all agree saying penis is funny. But it’s side-splittingly hilarious to say penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.

So stop being so boring. Apply The Rule of 1,000 Humors to your life. Or have a beer or 10 and take up skydiving with your friends. Just don’t come whining to me when your chute fails to open and you die.

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22 thoughts on “The Rule of 1,000 Humors

  1. I always said that if I was to skydive, I’d only do it tandem, for the sole reason that if something went wrong, I could point the finger. But that’s just me.

    How long did it take you to type penis that many times? Regardless, thank God you didn’t choose autoeroticism.

    Fantastically well-written and entertaining post. As usual.

  2. Hey Mike!

    Ha! Yeah, okay, you had me at “p*nis, p*nis, p*nis…”

    (And no, I’m not being prim and proper – the comments tool *heh* regarded that word as spam)

    Of course, that great old British mainstay posterior-euphemism “bottom” is hilarious, even singly. Tho it may be the accent.

    I used to make an American friend giggle by saying “wheelarch”. It comes up more often than you’d expect once you know it’s funny.

    Yes, I think I may belong in the great non-descript masses.

    Indigo

  3. I’m sorry… this was so deep… I was getting so much out of it. And then you said Penis. About a million times. And all I could do was laugh like a windup monkey. One thing you don’t know about me. I actually played symbols with the hot drummers in high school in my senior year. I refused to play flute in a crap band, but I was required to march. So I hung with the cool section… If you give me a pair of symbols and play the Star Spangled Banner, I would rock it. Just like a symbol monkey.

  4. I wouldn’t want Anne Hathaway to play me, she’s pretty alright but she’s got that one weird eye and is always showing her boobs, yes they’re pretty too, but does she have to find a reason to show them in every movie? I think I would want Ru Paul to play me, or maybe a little person like White Out. Cuz you know what’s funny? Hawt trannies and little people.

  5. You’ve obviously never been to the National Coin Collecting Association’s annual Christmas party. Who do you think invented the drinking game “Quarters”? And you think skydiving is dangerous? Try using a 1916 Early Standing Liberty quarter for the NCCA Xmas party “Quarters” tournament and see what happens.

  6. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh I give up, I’m just not that funny. Wait. Jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety jiggety…better…

  7. I’m having the beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer…….((hiccup))…. Can somebody call me a cab?

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