30 Days Minus 2 of Writing, Day 6: Haven

Haven.

That’s the title of one of the Twilight books, right?

I’m sure it is. Maybe.

I’ve never read the Twilight books or seen the movies, mostly because I’m not a 15-year-old girl. My knowledge of them is largely limited to movie ads.

From what I gather, the story revolves around an extremely tired-looking 18-year-old high school student named Bella who overcomes a tragic lack of acting talent to fall in love with a 104-year-old vampire named Edward. Edward reminds me of the legendary actor James Dean, if Dean was a very pale girly-man.

So far, so good — although for the record, I’m officially opposed to May-December romances between barely legal teens and undead centenarians. They may seem romantic in a book or onscreen, but when you actually see 86-year-old Hugh Hefner standing at the altar in his pajamas next to his 26-year-old bride dressed as a pink mermaid, it’s creepy.

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Edward Cullen looks like legendary actor James Dean, if Dean was very pale and effeminate.

 

Twilight’s plot gets very confusing very quickly, and makes my head hurt so badly I’m surprised my face hasn’t fallen off.

There are two types of vampires, for example: The regular ones who drink human blood, and Edward’s clan, which survives on animal blood. Neither type incinerates in sunlight, like real vampires do. Instead they sparkle — as in glitter, or fireworks.

Sparkle!

It’s like Count Dracula took tap-dancing classes and set up a disco in his dungeon.

*Jazz hands!*

Both groups hate one another, and are in turn hated by the werewolves, which look like regular wolves except they’re the size of elephants and kill vampires by biting off their heads.

That’s just plain silly, because everybody from Tallahassee to Transylvania knows real vampires could simply turn into bats and fly away from the werewolves. Or control their thoughts to make them snore like sleeping puppies.

Also, you can’t kill the undead by biting them. If that were the case, Dracula could be taken down in seconds by any grumpy 2-year-old. You have to pound wooden stakes through their hearts. Vampires would always win a fight against wolves, even if the wolves carried 9mm Berettas, which they wouldn’t because wolves don’t have trigger fingers.

The romance gets equally convoluted.

Bella loves Edward, Edward loves Bella. But then Edward apparently gets very busy at work or takes an extended vacation to visit undead relatives in Romania, because Isabella has time to befriend a heavily foreheaded werewolf named Jacob. He looks like the love child of rock musician Chris Isaak and Science Officer Spock in the new Star Trek films. And perhaps because his acting is as bad as hers — imagine an emotionless Vulcan staring blankly at the setting sun trying to conjure up tears because his hamster died — they fall in love.

I guess they practice safe sex, though, because Isabella suddenly gets pregnant with Edward’s half-vampire, half-human baby instead of a puppy. The halfling violates the ancient vampire rules, which came as a complete surprise to me because I thought one of the major advantages to being undead is that there aren’t any rules.

Anyway, being pregnant creates a lot strife between the vampire clans. And it stresses Bella out so much that she shows actual emotion, although not enough to win an Academy Award, or even an award for helping theater owners sell more popcorn. Oh, and I think she becomes a vampire because her eyes change color.

I won’t give away the ending, not because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but because I don’t know it, not having read the books or seen the movies.

But I’m sure it sparkles.

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31 thoughts on “30 Days Minus 2 of Writing, Day 6: Haven

  1. Hey Mike! You’ll get hate mail, but not from me. This made me chuckle mightily, and I’ve not read them either. And let’s just say I’ve not seen the movies either. We’re not under oath here, are we? As for tap dancing, remember this? This is my favourite piece of yours in the challenge so far; thanks for sharing it and making me smile so much. Encore, Sir! Author! Indigo

  2. Your story has inspired a great idea for a new tv series. The producers of Glee premiere the television version of Twilight. They call it Sparkle. Genius, Mix, pure genius.

  3. I saw the first movie of the Twilight series and I really liked it. Edward was very appealing. Yeah, I know, I can have pretty questionable taste in men. (Tell me about it.) But Vampires as a group can be pretty sexy. (See “The Hunger” and you’ll understand what I mean.) I tried watching the 2nd movie of Twilight, and Edward was still marvelous (even when he sparkled and even with his unnaturally red lips). But the story line went to hell after the first one. Duh. What did I expect? I don’t know how many more movies there are, but the first one rocked. You would love it, I know.

    • It’s his ruby-red lips that bother me, I think. And the pompy-doo hairdo. What’s up with that? The Hunger, by the way, is a very watchable movie. Full of real vampire tension….and Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon at the peak of their lesbian powers.

  4. Sparkling vampires, that’s a new one. Obviously I haven’t seen the movies either. I do hate to be out of the loop on vampire fashion. Thanks for filling me in.

    • Always the critic, CheesyMike. I can’t 28 posts about my face falling off. Actually, I could, but I’m not going to. I’m saving that for the book.

  5. I’m with you on the series, although you do seem to know an awful lot about it for one who professes to have abstained. And yes, Edward is creepily effeminate. Actually, watching these movies just might make one’s face fall off.

  6. I honestly have no idea about these books, other than it seems like a lot of people like them. I learned a bit more from this post. But the best line, I think, was “I’ve never read the Twilight books or seen the movies, mostly because I’m not a 15-year-old girl.” Good stuff.

  7. You, my friend, have seen EVERY SINGLE MOVIE.

    And… MY FRIEND… if my daughter heard you tear Edward apart, she would have you on a plate for supper. I’m JUST SAYIN.

    Oh wait. Scratch that. Since we have seen Warm Bodies, Edward is out and the zombie guy is in. nervous laugh….

  8. I have to agree – you do know an inordinate amount of knowledge about this for claiming you haven’t read the books. I’m very scared.

    I think Bella looks about 104 herself…but I have to agree Hefner does creep me out – and I always think he probably has a really horrible bony butt and I don’t want to imagine anyone grabbing it during sex and saying anything remotely sexy.

    Now, that I’ve grossed myself out – I wanted to just let you know (altho it’s probably been said already – I didn’t read all the comments…all 104 of them) – that Shirley Temple’s mom would say “Sparkle, Shirley, sparkle!” before each take. Maybe that’s why her childhood career spanned so long?

  9. Wait, so you’re saying your face hasn’t fallen off after all? I’m feeling a little ambivalent right now.

    Also, it feels like you got into my head with that “jazz hands” line. As soon as you started to carry on about sparkles, the phrase “jazz hands” bubbled up in my mind for some reason. Spooky. Much spookier than Twilight.

  10. I could not finish this blog. I am even ashamed to admit I was in Forks and have a picture of myself standing next to Bella’s truck. I mean, if that section of Forks did not burn down and I think I read there was a fire at the Twilight museum.

    Pardon the numerous grammatical errors in my rant which is below:

    Perhaps this is best because personally I find this series of books to be the most atrocious step backwards in the women’s rights movement since two horrible films: “An Officer and a Gentleman” (get on the friggin’ ferry girl and get your own job) and “Pretty Woman” (Yes, all protitutes need to be resuced by Richard Gere who interestingly, was in another horrible film: “American Gigilo.”

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