That’s the title of one of the Twilight books, right?
I’m sure it is. Maybe.
I’ve never read the Twilight books or seen the movies, mostly because I’m not a 15-year-old girl. My knowledge of them is largely limited to movie ads.
From what I gather, the story revolves around an extremely tired-looking 18-year-old high school student named Bella who overcomes a tragic lack of acting talent to fall in love with a 104-year-old vampire named Edward. Edward reminds me of the legendary actor James Dean, if Dean was a very pale girly-man.
So far, so good — although for the record, I’m officially opposed to May-December romances between barely legal teens and undead centenarians. They may seem romantic in a book or onscreen, but when you actually see 86-year-old Hugh Hefner standing at the altar in his pajamas next to his 26-year-old bride dressed as a pink mermaid, it’s creepy.
Twilight’s plot gets very confusing very quickly, and makes my head hurt so badly I’m surprised my face hasn’t fallen off.
There are two types of vampires, for example: The regular ones who drink human blood, and Edward’s clan, which survives on animal blood. Neither type incinerates in sunlight, like real vampires do. Instead they sparkle — as in glitter, or fireworks.
It’s like Count Dracula took tap-dancing classes and set up a disco in his dungeon.
Both groups hate one another, and are in turn hated by the werewolves, which look like regular wolves except they’re the size of elephants and kill vampires by biting off their heads.
That’s just plain silly, because everybody from Tallahassee to Transylvania knows real vampires could simply turn into bats and fly away from the werewolves. Or control their thoughts to make them snore like sleeping puppies.
Also, you can’t kill the undead by biting them. If that were the case, Dracula could be taken down in seconds by any grumpy 2-year-old. You have to pound wooden stakes through their hearts. Vampires would always win a fight against wolves, even if the wolves carried 9mm Berettas, which they wouldn’t because wolves don’t have trigger fingers.
The romance gets equally convoluted.
Bella loves Edward, Edward loves Bella. But then Edward apparently gets very busy at work or takes an extended vacation to visit undead relatives in Romania, because Isabella has time to befriend a heavily foreheaded werewolf named Jacob. He looks like the love child of rock musician Chris Isaak and Science Officer Spock in the new Star Trek films. And perhaps because his acting is as bad as hers — imagine an emotionless Vulcan staring blankly at the setting sun trying to conjure up tears because his hamster died — they fall in love.
I guess they practice safe sex, though, because Isabella suddenly gets pregnant with Edward’s half-vampire, half-human baby instead of a puppy. The halfling violates the ancient vampire rules, which came as a complete surprise to me because I thought one of the major advantages to being undead is that there aren’t any rules.
Anyway, being pregnant creates a lot strife between the vampire clans. And it stresses Bella out so much that she shows actual emotion, although not enough to win an Academy Award, or even an award for helping theater owners sell more popcorn. Oh, and I think she becomes a vampire because her eyes change color.
I won’t give away the ending, not because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but because I don’t know it, not having read the books or seen the movies.
But I’m sure it sparkles.