Hey, kids, it’s time for more of Mike’s Free Advice For Living Well!

Well, not exactly more advice. This is the very first time I’ve officially doled out free advice. This is virgin advice. *snicker* ”More” just sounded better. It’s like adding “new” to something. It automatically sounds more interesting and exciting. In fact, let me start the whole thing over, okay?

Hey, kids, it’s time for more of Mike’s New Free Advice For Living Well!

Yeah.

Anyway, these are helpful tips I’ve collected from decades of hard, hard living.

Originally, I was going to keep them all to myself because I don’t actually know anybody who actually wants to talk to me, especially if I’m going to give them free advice or use the word actually three times in one sentence. But they’re so good. So good. And then I thought, “Hey, Mike, don’t be selfish with your free advice. Nobody likes selfish people. Unless they’re rich, selfish people and they’re giving away money. Then everybody likes selfish people. Otherwise, though, nobody likes people selfish people. Or people with contagious skin diseases. Not that I have a contagious skin disease, thank God. Because contagious skin diseases are unpleasant, and very hard to get rid of.”

Anyway, with random thoughts like that running through my head, you can probably understand exactly why I don’t actually know anybody.

And anyway, another thing is that I don’t have room to print ALL of my free advice, so I’m just going to give you a few highlights gleaned from my exciting and challenging life. Feel free to use my free advice—daily, if necessary—and to share it with others you love. Or don’t love. Everybody needs free advice for living, loved or not. In fact, that’s more new free advice right there, and I didn’t even put it on my list.

Here goes:

# 1,278 — If you have an important meeting in a small room with your top boss and eight of his top department heads, don’t whisper inside jokes to your immediate supervisor until you both start giggling uncontrollably and everybody turns to see what’s happening.

# Eleventy three hundred and forty six — If your wife is tired and wants to eat at the Genghis Grill across the street from the hotel, do not spend an hour driving around an unfamiliar city looking for a Red Lobster and then end up dining at some lousy place called Cheddar’s.

# 36 — If you need a friend, never let anybody know that you’re needy. They might mistake you for a street person and slide you a buck for a pack of smokes, but they probably won’t let you sleep on their couch when you’re drunk or down and out.

# 413 — If your son is sick and does not need a ride to hockey practice, and you promise your wife that you will call your parents to cancel his ride, do not sit in your cubicle at work daydreaming about how much you’d like to visit Italy instead. Not unless you don’t mind having your entire support system hate you.

# 78 — If the right front tire of your car looks low, don’t ignore it and continue driving on Interstate I-25 at rush hour. Stop at a gas station and put some air in it.

# 987 — If you’re dreaming that you’re in bed and about to wet your pants, and then you wake up and realize you really need to pee bad, then by all means get up and use the bathroom. Immediately.

# 1,002 — Facebook is not necessarily helpful when you’re supposed to be paying attention to the professor who not only teaches your Energy Policy & Law course, but is also in charge of pop quizzes.

# 56 — It can be very helpful to say the first thing that pops into your mind if you’re a contestant on Jeopardy! Elsewhere, not so much.

# 334 — The only thing in life that’s free is bad advice. And a bad bottle of red wine. And a rollable Black & Decker garden hose. And the theater tickets they sent when you worked at the newspaper. And, extremely rarely, an iPad.

# 43 — Never assume anybody cares about you, or what you think. Don’t even trust that they’ve heard or read anything you’ve said or written. They’re probably in their cubicle at work daydreaming about taking a vacation to Italy.

# 17 — Never leave home without a large package of beef jerky in your pocket. You never know when the Nazis will attack and food supplies will get short.

So, okay, that’s enough more new free advice for today.

You’re welcome.