Religion
Glitter Jesus!
Some Christians are saying Saturday will be Judgment Day. If they’re right, I don’t think physicist Stephen Hawking could’ve picked a worse week to announce that “there is no heaven” and it’s “a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” I mean, it’s one thing not to believe in God, but it’s another thing entirely to thumb your nose at Him.
Atheism is now more popular than John Lennon and The Beatles.
I was relieved to find out that May 21st isn’t the date of the Apocalypse, but Judgment Day. The Apocalypse isn’t scheduled to happen until October 21st. So I’ll still have plenty of time to see this summer’s blockbuster movies, including The Green Lantern, Captain America and Steven Spielberg’s new flick, the name of which escapes me, but I’m calling Stand By Me II: Scary Aliens.
I wonder if the churches that took out ads warning us about Saturday’s Apocalypse paid for them in advance, or on credit?
People
Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, are splitting up after he admitted secretly fathering a child with one of their housekeepers more than 10 years ago. Now see, that’s why I keep my secret children a secret……..Oops.
There are so many Republicans running for president that I can’t decide which one to make fun of first.
Police say a toddler was found wandering the rainy streets alone in Bethlehem, Pa. Saturday. He was wearing a diaper and carrying a pack of cigarettes and a pot pipe. Police didn’t know how they were going to find the child’s father until Charlie Sheen called in to report a robbery.
Business
The chief of the International Monetary Fund was thrown in prison this week after being accused of sexually assaulting a hotel maid. It’s a horrifying story, but I’m not surprised. Wealthy bankers have been raping the American public for at least two years now.
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf who asked for a stool to perform her job as a barista. In its defense, Starbucks pointed out that the smallest coffee you can order from their menu is a “Tall.”
Health
A 12-year study of 48,000 men shows that drinking six cups of coffee or more a day can help reduce prostate cancer by up to 60 percent. No joke here. If you’ve ever had a prostate exam, you know there’s nothing funny about it.
