Europeans criticize Americans for not listening to opera, tearing down any building that’s more than 75 years old, and for not knowing anything about Europe. But Europeans are wrong about what we know about geography.
I took an informal poll of the bona fide American citizens in my neighborhood, and was surprised to learn that Americans know almost as much about Europe as they know about America. Here’s part two of an alphabetical list of European countries and a compilation/sampling of what the people I talked to know about them:
Italy – All the fresh pizza and spaghetti you can eat 24/7, and it’s served by hot-blooded brunette babes who will treat you like a twenty-dollar whore on Saturday night but take your kids to Mass on Sunday morning while you recover from the red-wine hangover. Lots of statues there—not gay statues like they have in Greece, but statues of guys gutting other guys with swords. Leonardo DaVinci lived there. He was the painter who invented the helicopter and flew around in it with that chick in the painting, Mona something or Sophia Loren, or whatever her name was. Remember her? She’s the reason God invented tight sweaters and the confessional. Mea culpa. Home of the Pope, too. He moved there from Germany. He says it was because he likes Italian food so much, but I think he secretly likes Italian sweaters. Mea culpa. Stay away from the mobsters, though. Those guys are nuts. They’ll cut your nuts off with a rusty butter knife and stuff them in your mouth just to prove who’s in charge. Remember The Godfather? That’s the mob. They’re scary as hell, and control all the hookers and drugs in this country. Al Capone killed JFK and Marilyn Monroe, and the Cosa Nostra mobsters pretty much still run the American government. Still, Italy’s a nice country and I’d like to go there and eat some real pizza. I’ll bet it’s not the same as American pizza, except maybe New York-style pizza because they have a lot of Italians in New York, most of them mobsters, of course, but a lot of them just regular people who own Italian restaurants.
Kosovo – What?
Latvia – Sounds dirty.
Liechtenstein – Sounds really dirty.
Lithuania – Isn’t that where they make the really bendy, lightweight metal they use to build space rockets?
Luxembourg – A casino in Las Vegas shaped like a pyramid. I didn’t think they had pyramids in Europe, but I guess they must. Cool.
Macedonia – They find those things frozen in the ice all the time. You can still eat some of them even though they’re hundreds of thousands of years old. You just slice ‘em up and throw ‘em on the grill, Fred Flintstone style. I hear they carve the tusks into chess pieces.
Malta – Where they make Malt-A-Meal. I like the chocolate kind with butter and milk on it for breakfast, or sometimes for a late-night snack. It’s lousy cold, though.
Moldova – She was the sexy vampire milf on The Addams Family. Great show.
Monaco – Princess Grace was the Queen of Monaco and that’s where she lived when she wasn’t making movies or driving her convertible around town. It’s also where James Bond plays that weird card game that sounds like Barcardi Rum. Pound for pound, the richest nation on earth because of the casinos. Princess Grace and her daughters are so hot they could have been Swedish porn stars but they chose to be royalty.
Montenegro – Sounds really dirty and maybe a little politically incorrect, but I think it’s in Africa, which is in southern Europe.
The Netherlands – Europe’s crotch, I guess.
Norway – Everybody there skiis around with sniper rifles all day looking for Russians who are trying to take it over. Fucking Russians. The Norwegians are the king dogs of the skiing and shooting competition in the Olympics, though. The Russians will never take them.
Poland – They’re not much in a fight, but it’s where Polish sausage was invented. Delicious, too! No wonder the Nazis and the Russians keep invading it. I’d invade it, too, if it wasn’t so far away. It’d be great to have all the free Polish sausage you want. They’re great grilled, or in a stew.
Portugal – Christopher Columbus’ homeland. Good thing he discovered America, or we wouldn’t have a place to live. I’m not sure where Portugal is, though. It must be near a port named Ugal from the sounds of it.
Romania – That’s where all the good gymnasts are from, I think. I thought it was Russian, though, not European.
Russia – It’s not part of Europe, but it wants to turn Europe into Communists so it can attack America. They hate us there because we kicked their asses by getting to the moon first. Remember when their president banged his shoe on the table at the U.N. after the Bay of Hogs, or whatever? We fucked him over good with that one. They do make good vodka and those dolls that fit inside each other. I think that’s their main export, vodka and those dolls. The men carve the wood and the women paint them, drinking vodka the whole day to stave off boredom. They have a huge army and a lot of nuclear weapons there and if they think you’re a spy the KGB will beat the soles of your feet with rubber hoses until you tell them everything. The KGB are ruthless Commies, but the Russian mob is even meaner. If you cross them, they’ll shoot you in the face with their Russian Kalackinov guns without even blinking. They’re all like, “Hello, comrade. Fuck you, comrade. Bang!” And then you’re dead with your brains all over the sidewalk and they don’t even give shit that they just killed you even if it was in public and everybody saw them. Nobody fucks with the Russian Mob, nobody. Even the fucking Nazis are scared of them. I’d hate to meet a Russian Nazi. That’d scare the shit out of the devil.
San Marino – That’s a city in Spain. I think Dan Marino’s family is from there. He should’ve won at least one Superbowl, the poor bastard. Now he sells gloves or some shit like that. He’s probably still a hero in San Marino, though, so that’s cool.
Serbia – Sounds dirty, but not as dirty as Latvia and Liechtenstein.
Scotland – It’s the only country in the world where a man can wear a skirt and play bagpipes and still kick your ass using his left thumb while he absentmindedly cleans the earwax out of his ear with his right hand. These people eat rocks for breakfast, dirt for dinner and wash it down with whiskey. They wash everything down with whiskey. Whiskey is like water there. Moms breast-feed their babies with it, children shower in it, adults fill the tanks of their cars with it, families wash their dishes with it. They invented golf, but they don’t play regular sports like we do. Golf is played with rocks and small trees there, and a golf course is like a hundred miles long, stretching out across mountain tops. When they’re done on the course, they throw full-grown trees and boulders around to prove how strong they are. Mel Gibson was born there and led the country in a battle for freedom from England’s oppressive rule. Most people can’t understand a word the Scots say because they’re probably the missing link between humans and apes and can’t talk all that well. Hairiest people on the planet, too.
Slovakia – Sounds like a lung disease miners get. “He got Slovakia and started coughing up blood and bits of his lungs. Died within three months.”
Slovenia – Sounds like a venereal disease. “I got Slovenia, and I thought my dick was on fire every time I peed. But the doctor gave me some penicillin and it cleared right up.”
Spain – It’s where they invented guitars and bullfighting. The women all have jet-black hair and sweat Spanish Fly, so they’re always wanting to have crazy passionate sex with you. Too bad they all speak Mexican, though. It’d be easier for everybody if they spoke English. It’s hard to tell Spanish people from Mexican people. I think Spaniards are taller and don’t drink as much tequila.
Sweden – The Motherland of porn. That’s why Sweden’s the richest nation on the planet, from all the money they make making pornos. It’s not right, but what else are you going to do when God fills your whole country with beautiful blondes, many of them twins? It was their destiny. Oh, I almost forgot: Some of the ugly Swedish people work in the factories building Saabs and Volvos. Volvo, hah! That sounds dirty. Anyway, most of them hardly ever work, except when they’re making pornos, which probably only takes a couple of hours a week, and is hardly like work anyway. I wish I was Swedish.
Switzerland – Best place on earth to get chocolate and watches and pocket knives with so many gadgets on them that you need an owner’s manual to know how to use them. They refuse to take sides in a war, which is pretty damn smart if you don’t want to get in a war but not so smart if you don’t want to get your ass kicked. They have lots of banks there, so they all get lots of bank holidays so they can go skiing pretty much anytime they want. That girl Heidi lived there, too, right? The Swiss also invented the Red Cross, which gives people free food after hurricanes and tornadoes and stuff. I’ll bet they hand out a lot of chocolate, too. I wish my house would get hit by a hurricane so I could get some free Swiss chocolate.
Turkey – Why would anybody in their right mind name a country after a bird you eat at Thanksgiving? It’s not in Europe, either. It’s right next to Afghanistan or something. They’re America-hating towel-heads just like the Arabs. Fuck them.
Ukraine – I crane, too, so what? There’s no harm in looking.
Vatican City – The Catholic Church is big, but it’s not a country. Don’t be an idiot, you idiot.
Wales – Nice try, but they don’t have whales in Europe. The Pacific Ocean’s too cold.