Jesus Is Coming, He’s Pissed Off, And He’s Loaded For Bear

My fellow Americans,

Don’t believe the liberal lie that guns aren’t godly, or that we must lay down our arms and embrace love and understanding in order to find peace. Guns and God go together like peanut butter and chocolate—a fact that might stick of the roof of average liberal’s mouth, but is true nevertheless.

Jesus understood true freedom comes only at gunpoint.

Jesus understood true freedom comes only at gunpoint.

Leftists say Jesus Christ was opposed to violence—and therefore guns—because He told his followers to “turn the other cheek,” “love your enemies,” “pray for those who persecute you,” “overcome evil with good,” and, of course, the old familiar saw, “do not make use of force against an evil man.” Also, He allowed the authorities to crucify Him when He could have split the heavens open like a rotten coconut and destroyed them and their courts of corruption with a rain of hell fire that would’ve had the U.S. Marines crapping their pants.

But freethinking liberals quote these passages of Holy Scripture out of context in a barely disguised effort to make Americans soft and usher in the New Age of Godlessness. U.S. citizens wouldn’t anymore let somebody shoot at them without fighting back than they would lend somebody money without expecting it back plus interest, something else socialists claim Jesus advocated. We must never forget the prophet Isaiah’s warning: Godless nations will one day stop training for war and start cooperating with one another by confiscating our swords, melting them into ploughs and forcing us all to become farmers. Substitute the word “swords” for our modern-day guns, and you’ll get the dire picture Isaiah was trying to paint. Liberals will never be happy until they turn America into a nation of PETA-loving, vegetable-eating girly men. And women, I guess.

It’s true Jesus tried not to overreact in certain situations, just like our national hero, Clint Eastwood, remained level headed in Dirty Harry and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. But like His more trigger-happy dad, Jehovah, Jesus also liked to kick ass. When Jesus found money changers like Ace Cash Express and Payday Loans doing business in Jerusalem’s temple, for example, He went on a rampage, driving them out with a homemade whip. He knew they charged too much to cash a check, and He was pissed enough about it to take action. And in Luke 22:36, He said “he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one.” Obviously, Jesus liked swords so much, He’d rather have a guy walk around butt naked with a full scabbard on his hip than go unarmed. And if they’d had gun shops back then, Jesus would’ve been a regular customer there, too, stocking up with the rest of the faithful on large-caliber ammo in preparation for Armageddon.

Jesus is as American as guns and apple pie.

Jesus is as American as guns,apple pie and the American flag.

For the day is coming when Jesus Christ will return to this world to put God-fearing America in its rightful place at the head of the Thanksgiving dining table among nations. And it’s guaranteed that when that great day finally arrives, the Messiah and his angry archangels won’t be armed with slings and swords to fight the devil and his demons. No, the heavenly host will be packing heat—not cheap Chinese- or European-made guns like Rugers, Lugers or Rutger Hauers, but reliable American-made guns like the M16, the AK-47 and the 9mm (.35 inch) Beretta. The devil will have a hell of time doing his dirty deeds with a couple of copper-clad hollow points in his chest.

Good Americans, when you kneel beside your beds tonight to say your prayers, ask the Commander in Chief for the strength to stand by your convictions when it comes to protecting our right to bear arms. Although liberals are desperate to take it away, that right is guaranteed by the Second Amendment in our nation’s most sacred religious document, the U.S.S. Constitution, which was prayerfully written by the Christian Founding Fathers. Pray also for the strength to take accurate aim and squeeze the trigger on that day when it finally becomes necessary to protect your television set, stereo, GPS navigation device, computer, coin collection, car, motorcycle, ski-doo, boat, camper, power tools and small appliances. Oh, I almost forgot—and your loved ones.


Max Payne, card-carrying member of the NRA since 2001

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53 thoughts on “Jesus Is Coming, He’s Pissed Off, And He’s Loaded For Bear

    • Retrospect is fun. Because since the posting of this article, our president has actually loosend gun laws considerably.

      Also, this article leaves one thing unexplored: The golden Rule. Do Unto Others as you would have them do unto you.

      So when people make these attacks, I feel i need to point out that they have not asked one liberal for their opinion, quoted no source whatsoever, and everything they claimed was coming has not in any way manifested in the last two years.

      • I think the IRA’s new motto should be: Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

  1. How expensive is a coat that you can trade it for a gun? Especially an American-made gun like an AK-47 or the Arisaka? I mean — I know guns are relatively cheap, but are they really going for the price of a used coat? And if I’ve got a coat worth the price of a gun, I’ll be damned if I’m giving it up.

    • That’s a very un-Christian attitude, Frank. Sure, you’ll be warm during those Toronto winters. But you’ll have nothing to shoot Beelzebub with when he shows up to take your soul.

    • Ak-47s are made in ex-soviet satellite states and China. The Ariska was the Japanese’s main battle rifle in WWII.
      For the price of a decent winter coat-$150-200, you can pick up a WWII era bolt action rifle and 100 rounds of ammo.
      That SCARY black man in the white house hasn’t taken my guns yet….maybe because I voted for him. Vote for him in 2012 and you might be able to keep your guns, too.

      • Yeah, despite the highly irrational fears that Obama would be anti-gun, that issues appears to be untouchable in the U.S., even by wonderfully liberal Democrats/Socialists.

  2. I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna to kick a little ass, I’m gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, I’m gonna drive a big truck, I’m gonna rule this world, I’m gonna kick some ass, I’m gonna rise up, I’m gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

    • I know what you’re thinking. “Did he write six posts about guns this week or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is my blog, the most powerful blog in the world, and would blow the head clean off your blog, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

  3. Another? OMG!!
    Please tell me you don’t work for the Post Office.

    And if you do, I promise I wasn’t complaining about all the lousy junk mail I get all the time.

    Er… I mean… all those LOVELY and USEFUL catalogs and surprisingly great deals from companies and alumni associations who want my money. Yaaay!

    • No, I don’t work for the Post Office. Not anymore. Not as of this afternoon. Oh, and don’t believe whatever you might here about on television. The media is biased. I mean it. Don’t believe it!

  4. P.S. My translation of Luke 22:36 says we should all sell our garments to buy tacos.

    Which makes sense, because after eating a few dozen tacos, we have to buy larger garments anyway.

  5. Great points…I would note that as someone who really doesn’t write on blogs much (in fact, this may be my first post), I don’t think the term “lurker” is very becoming to a non-posting reader. It’s not your fault at all, but perhaps the blogosphere could come up with a better, non-creepy name for the 90% of us that enjoy reading the posts.

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  7. How did I miss this one last year or did I forget I read it? Anyway, my FOX news watching mail carriers better not see this one. Just yesterday one of them asked me why I don’t like Glen Beck then got outraged the feds are going to increase funds to feed hungry kids at school. He said we need to pull those kids from those poor homes and put them in other ones. And he said assistance to me should come directly out of his pocket, not from social security.

    So the writing is on the wall. My mail carrier is one step away from lock and load I’d say from the amount of bizarre rage I see on FOX news and on his face yesterday as I gently pointed out that some kids get their main meals at school. I am not as concerned about Jesus shooting us, although it appears he might, as our postal workers. Their track record is not all that great.

    • You didn’t miss it. I travelled back in time in my new time machine and posted it there for you to find. Also, I’ve got all the winning lotto numbers for 2011.

  8. You gotta love the fact that of the three guns Max cites as ” reliable American-made”, not only was one (the AK) designed by the famous Soviet Communist weapons designer Kalashnikov and used for decades by communist nations– and communist guerrillas, including the Viet Cong– but another comes from the best-known Italian firearms manufacturer (Beretta). That’s real flag-wavin’ patriotic of ya, Max. The NRA sure hasn’t taught you much, has it? Maybe you oughta read other books than the Bible once in a while.

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  10. I’m perplexed. The quote you attribute to Isaiah doesn’t exist.

    In Isaiah, the only reference to a “Godless nation” is in regards to God’s Judgment on Assyria, the Semitic kingdom in Northern Mesopotamia. The phrase also is only used in the most modern translations. The most common English translation, dating back centuries, uses the phrase “hypocritical nation.”

    However, in the New International Version from 1984, the entirety of the passage is this:

    5 “Woe to the Assyrian, the rod of my anger,
    in whose hand is the club of my wrath!

    6 I send him against a godless nation,
    I dispatch him against a people who anger me,
    to seize loot and snatch plunder,
    and to trample them down like mud in the streets.

    7But this is not what he intends,
    this is not what he has in mind;
    his purpose is to destroy,
    to put an end to many nations.

    8‘Are not my commanders all kings?’ he says.

    9‘Has not Calno fared like Carchemish?
    Is not Hamath like Arpad,
    and Samaria like Damascus?

    10As my hand seized the kingdoms of the idols,
    kingdoms whose images excelled those of Jerusalem and Samaria—

    11shall I not deal with Jerusalem and her images
    as I dealt with Samaria and her idols?’”

    12When the Lord has finished all his work against Mount Zion and Jerusalem, he will say, “I will punish the king of Assyria for the willful pride of his heart and the haughty look in his eyes.

    13For he says:

    “‘By the strength of my hand I have done this,
    and by my wisdom, because I have understanding.
    I removed the boundaries of nations,
    I plundered their treasures;
    like a mighty one I subdueda their kings.

    14As one reaches into a nest,
    so my hand reached for the wealth of the nations;
    as men gather abandoned eggs,
    so I gathered all the countries;
    not one flapped a wing,
    or opened its mouth to chirp.’”

    15Does the ax raise itself above him who swings it,
    or the saw boast against him who uses it?
    As if a rod were to wield him who lifts it up,
    or a club brandish him who is not wood!

    16Therefore, the Lord, the LORD Almighty,
    will send a wasting disease upon his sturdy warriors;
    under his pomp a fire will be kindled
    like a blazing flame.

    17The Light of Israel will become a fire,
    their Holy One a flame;
    in a single day it will burn and consume
    his thorns and his briers.

    18The splendor of his forests and fertile fields
    it will completely destroy,
    as when a sick man wastes away.

    19And the remaining trees of his forests will be so few
    that a child could write them down.

    This has nothing to do with an entreaty by God for nations to prepare for war. In fact, it is about an attack by the Assyrians against Jews who fail to keep the covenant — Biblical experts still debate whether it means Ephraim, or Judah or the Jewish people in general. There are no weapons or strategies that can protect those set upon by the Assyrians — they have been sent by God to bring his vengeance for hypocrites who proclaim their devotion to God but fail to keep the follow the dictates of His covenant with the Jews.

    thus in respect to God’s justice, it is God’s work, but in respect to their own malice, it is the work of the devil.

    I understand that the Bible is important to you, and I honor you for that. But it is always dangerous to use it to advance a particular political argument because, almost without fail, the words quoted are either incorrect, misunderstood or taken out of context.

    Hope that helps. God bless.

    • Thank you for your very thoughtful response. The verse I paraphrased, or perhaps slaughtered would be a better word, is from Isiah 2:4. “He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.” (NIV) Clearly, these are really Godless nations. In fact, they’re very Godly nations, despite, or perhaps because, they are non-warring.

  11. This is rediculous and if you believe Jesus would have enjoyed guns you believe way to hard and abandon logic. #GoSanta #Bigfoot #MermaidsAreReal

  12. Jesus! How can you say that “Jesus is as American as guns,apple pie and the American flag.” That is a very ignorant statement. Just as ignorant as american Christian people… or any christian actually.

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